The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Mind Of Confusion …
September 15, 2009, 6:26 am
Filed under: Comment

I am not a clever person.

I don’t think I’m totally stooooopid … but I’m certainly nothing special, as my 1986 maths exam proves*.

However despite this, I’m still a curious little bastard which is why I often literally find myself having spent hours thinking about why something is as it is.

Of course I could just go on Google and get the answer in a second, but I work in advertising during the worst economic recession since 482BC so it’s not like I have anything better to do.

Anyway, over the years there’s been a lot of things I’ve tried to come up with a hypothesis on – and whilst in many cases, it’s all ended up being a total crock of shit [thank you George & Andy] – there has been the odd occasion where it’s led to us commissioning some formal research so I could try and understand [or be told I’m a complete idiot] why – for example – so many female CEO’s [who work in largish organisations] tend to be underweight.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because there’s one thing I’ve been trying to work out since way back in 2001 and despite having some theories, I am still left with more questions than answers and that issue is this …

Plastic knives.

More specifically, plastic knives on planes.

WHY?????

Yes I know they say it is to do with airline security but if they think a plastic knife can cut some tough-as-old-wellies bit of meat, then it sure as hell could cut the delicate neck of some hostie.

And anyway, who said knives had the monopoly on pain?

Forks can hurt like a bastard.

Remember this?

Sure he didn’t die but I bet the little bastard felt it.

Then there’s Mr Spoon. Sweet, lovely Mr spoon …

Scooping sizable portions of delicate chocolate mousse from its little plastic container and transporting it without so much as a complaint, to your eager and open mouth.

Mr spoon wouldn’t harm anyone, Mr Spoon is cutlery’s kindest son.

My arse.

Have you ever been smacked on the head with a metal spoon at full thrust?

Sadly – and for reasons I won’t go into – I have and it’s not at all pleasant.

To be honest, cutlery aside, the whole food tray offers a wide array of potential ‘tools of evil’ … from the tall glass right through to the shitty food they expect you to shovel down your gob.

Banning metal knives and replacing them with plastic ones makes about as much sense as inviting me to speak at a conference and then telling me I’m not allowed to swear!

And this, dear ladies and gentlemen, is my predicament because for the life of me, I just can’t work out what’s really going on.

[I’m talking about the plastic knives, not the ‘no swearing’ thing]

Oh sure, this decision might of reassured some people after Sept 11th for about 3 minutes – but come on, do they really think the masses believe the airlines are now 100% safe just because they’ve hidden all the metal knives in the kitchen drawer?

Unless you tell me differently, I guess the moral of this post is that life isn’t always made up of rational decisions and that too few companies re-evaluate their policies – even if their clientele think it doesn’t add up – so as a planner, you have to appreciate that in many cases, common sense is either not all that common, or pretty fucked up, hence the soon-to-be unveiled new Rob Campbell philosophy “DEVIOUS STRATEGY”.

Have a good one.

[* 2% if you really must know!]


12 Comments

i wish they used metal knives because it would hurt more when i stick it in your fucking neck for shitty posts like this.

and anyone who writes “the moral of this post” is a sad bastard, even more so when he basically underfuckingsells something we are going to be making a big fucking deal out of in a few months time.

george is going to softly eat you when he sees this.

ps. “mr spoon wouldn’t harm anyone, mr Spoon is cutlerys kindest son.” are you on fucking drugs?

Comment by andy@cynic

What Andy said but with a sterner voice.

I think the moral of this post is you have no morals in relation to the standard of post you write and we must be bored/stupid/lonely/high to read it.

Comment by DH

I’m confused, aren’t all Rob’s posts like this?

Comment by Bazza

Typical conformist thinking from Campbell. I will gladly demonstrate the lethal potential of spoon and fork handles when you next buy me lunch. I know it will be a long wait but this post will sadly live long in my memory.

Comment by John

I’m too upset about Keith Floyd to even think about any of this.

Comment by jamiethepigeon

BA gave me a metal one! Or some combination but most definitely not plastic. But that was first class, the rest just didn’t get stuff worth cutting with a knife. Moral of the story…pay us more if you want to kill people. Ha, is that sad enough? 😀

Comment by andrea

dont blame campbell andrea, the poor fucker can only ascend to biz class when lee or george wangles it for him. he doesnt know how people like us live because hes fucking downstairs and were fucking upstairs.

hang on, you flew first on ba? thats like 9th class even on some two bit ruski airline. the only reason you got a metal knife is because it was a scrap from the engine that fell off.

Comment by andy@cynic

there is no such thing as common sense – cos if it were common then everyone would have it 🙁

Comment by sky tao

ill sound like fucking dodds here but it wouldnt mean everyone would have it, just the fucking majority. what the fuck is wrong with me?

Comment by andy@cynic

welcome to the minority.

Comment by sky tao

It’s a proud moment.

Comment by John

This post reminded me of the opening sequence from Dexter… It’s supposed to highlight the “unnoticed violence” present in some of our everyday actions; like getting ready for work. If you haven’t seen it it’s worth checking out 🙂

Comment by Age




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