The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Kill Yourself In Coffee …
June 29, 2009, 6:08 am
Filed under: Comment

Maybe it’s because it’s Monday – but I’m uber-pissed off today so let’s crack on shall we?

Right, so I was reading one of Jill’s trash mags when I came across this …

Ooooooh, that’s an interesting idea … Jarrah coffee has the ability to help you drift away from all of life’s expectations and demands and slip into your own zone of comfort, isolation and relaxation/rejuvenation.

That’s so differentiated, except for the fact a million other brands have said the same thing for the last 2000 years representing categories as varied as bath salts and liquor to chocolate and tea.

Oh I’m sure they have all sorts of research that justifies this as the right strategy … but you know what, I bet I could get some research that would allow me to do ads positioning Jarrah as the brew that turns you into an Italian temptress.

Fuck, I can see it now …

Close up of Monica Bellucci looking right into the camera. Her eyes are slightly narrowed, her lips parted and glistening slightly.

When you’re hot and steamy, you command total attention.

New Jarrah ‘cino coffee: Be Italian.

But enough of that, let’s look at that visual a bit more shall we?

Maybe I’m being a bit cynical, but am I the only one that thinks Jarrah are saying when you take a gulp of their powered pap, you feel like you’ve been thrown into a bath of boiling hot coffee???

Jesus, can you imagine the burns you’d get … that doesn’t sound very relaxing does it.

But it gets worse.

A LOT worse.

You see to me, not only is this ad saying that one gulp makes you feel like you’ve been plunged into a bath of coffee at surface-of-the-sun-esque temperatures … but it also implies that some bastard will come along and empty a whole bottle of bubble bath in there as well …

Christ, there’ll be bubbles everywhere and – as a man who once empted a family size bottle of ‘Matey’ into the bath only a few years ago – it’ll take a bloody age to clear up.

Seriously, how are you supposed to let all your troubles drift away when your skin resembles a lobster, your mouth, nose and eyes are being filled with [possibly] toxic bubbles and your body is starting to smell like a hobo who has lived in a Starbucks bin for 4 years!

But there’s more …

You think those brown speckles floating on the bubbles are the finest Belgium chocolate?

No … that’s what they WANT you to think … what they really are, are the effects of having boiling hot coffee splashed against your nether regions for 20 minutes.

Yep, I’m saying what you think I’m saying … they’re sprinkles of shit.

What on earth were Jarrah thinking when they approved this monstrosity?

I can imagine what the creatives were thinking when they developed it [“Take this you conservative, powered-coffee, delusional toads”] … but Jarrah!

Come on, do they really think an image of a woman plonked into a bath of boiling hot coffee, with bubbles and shit sprinkles is appealing?

Well yes they do … and not just because they paid for a double page spread, but because if you look carefully, you can see they wrote this on the ad …

Serving suggestion? Fucking serving suggestion?

No offence Jarrah, but even if Megan Fox [sorry Angelina] offered me a coffee, and then served me a cup with her buck naked in it, I’d not find it very appetising.

OK, that’s a bad example. A very bad example … but just what were you thinking?

Is it supposed to be humour? Is it supposed to be funny?

Well sorry to disappoint you but it’s no way near as funny as trying to position your powered coffee as a product that can give you an experience other than sheer bloody disappointment.

21 Comments so far
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funny how when youre fucked off you write better posts and i like you better.

this is shit for all the reasons youve said but the worst bit is im fucking sure the lazy bastards have ripped off an old hagen daz campaign in its fucking entirity.

could be mistaken but im willing to bet your left ball they did something almost identical to this right down to the “serving suggestion” comment.

there are differences though. the ice cream gods used production values that didnt resemble some home made porn shot so it came over as proper sexy, the model wasnt some bored looking housewife having a fucking fiddle and their “serving suggestion” wasnt added as an embarrassed after fucking thought but up fucking front because it was all done tongue in cheek rather than this sorry fucking attempt to look sophisticated and aspifuckingrational.

what a load of fucking lazy, bullshit crap. the only reason id buy that jarrah wank is to clear my drains.

good post campbell now tell uncle andy why youve got a face like youre sucking a nettle.

Comment by andy@cynic

Your comment made me happy Andy, I love it when you get all pansy-like in your anger, ha!

And yes, I think you’re right about the Haagen Dazs campaign. I think it ran in the mid-90’s which proves another point I’ve banged on about for a while – if creatives/clients stopped thinking the World’s population had memories like goldfish, this sort of thing might be less common.


Comment by Rob

This post makes Simon Cowell look like a nun.

Comment by Lee Hill

megan fox in a bowl of coffee? i think you just created age’s ultimate wet dream.

i love instant coffee ads. they’re more delusional than most.. ‘cos anyone who’s ever drunk coffee. like proper coffee, never drinks that shit. and given the amount i fork over for said coffee every week, those instant kids have got the wrong end of the money stick.

Comment by lauren

Rob at his best. This is crude, lewd, rude and accurate as hell. Why don’t you show your “coffee racist” ads, they were brilliant and made drinking crap coffee less ermmm crap.

Comment by Bazza

You do go on, don’t you? I could drive a bus through your arguments about scalding and evacuation. The ad is crap, as you said, because it makes a bland claim that is utterly generic. That’s all.

Now if you could have left it at that and used the rest of our valuable time to explain what sort of bizarre romantic notions lay behind your Matey-bath episode, we’d all be far more entertained. Morning.

Comment by John

Thank you Baz, that’s so lovely of you, ha!

And it wasn’t “coffee racist”, it ended up being “coffee prejudice” because the client had a choking attack when we presented the original idea, ha.

Comment by Rob

You know, that serving suggestion is really, really funny.

Comment by Marcus

Yes … but something tells me it wasn’t humour they were looking for, though god knows what else it could be.

Comment by Rob

Oh I know it wasn’t supposed to be funny. But it is. Imagine what you could do with that idea.

Comment by Marcus

Well I know a serving suggestion for carrots … and it would tap perfectly in the single female market, I’d call it the “Bridget Jones delight”

And Mr Dodds … yes I do go on, have you only just worked that out??? Christ, I used to think you were quite smart but then I haven’t been to your blog too much recently, ha!

As for the Matey story … I think it is more likely to make you sick than entertained.

Comment by Rob


Comment by Fotos Hollywood Celebrity

“I’m forever blowing bubbles, bubbles in the air…”

Comment by Rob Mortimer

maybe starfucks should buy jarrah because they both seem intent on being masters of the fucking shitcoffeeverse and together they could corner the market in hot brown filth

Comment by andy@cynic

Okay Rob, what about this one

BTW, confess I have tasted it once and your comments don’t go far enough.

Comment by PC

OH MY GOD … that is a truly terrible ad.

So because some bird in cutoff denims likes the taste of Moccona over some homebrand shit, we’re supposed to accept her view is law? Who does she think she is? George Bush.

Anyway, it’s obvious the reason Moccona tasted better is because it was in a mug with a big Moccona badge on it, that makes all the difference doesn’t it. Hey, don’t knock it – it’s about as believable as the rest of the ad.

Comment by Rob

That post just got you another 3 fans over here!

Comment by PC

Where’s over here? If it’s Australia, you’ll probably hate me once you’ve delved into some of my other posts, ha!

Nice to have you hear though PC … though they could be the most inappropriate initials on this blog ever, ha!

Comment by Rob

the ad reminds me of my mum telling me to always wear flip flops when going to a public swimming baths. now i guess that is weird, but i can t help it and it s not as weird as drinks or food being advertised with strangers bathing in it. quite yucky and pointless, if you ask me. i get the idea of some hottie in a glass of champagne, but that s about the hottie and not about the champagne… also, if i get in the mood of taking a bath (which means relaxed and dizzy), i don t know if i should have that coffee…

Comment by peggy

the making of…

Comment by scott

They forgot to put “serving suggestion” on the film …

Comment by Rob

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