The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

If Only The Russians Were Inhibitied …
June 19, 2009, 6:24 am
Filed under: Comment

Not her, obviously.

So last week – as you all have been bored half to death by – I was away attending research groups.

Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of sitting behind a one-way piece of glass knows how painful this can be – however because of a certain incident with the key researcher, it was even more painful than usual.

Well, I say painful – but it was actually laughable and achieved a new low in the value of the focus group.

But I digress.

For reasons I still don’t know, I found myself in a nightclub in some godforsaken Chinese town at 2am.

There’s so many things wrong with that sentence …


… and yet that is what happened.

To be honest – if I put aside the fact that I’ve NEVER liked those sorts of places – I did find the whole thing quite interesting.

As I walked in and surveyed the scene, it became obvious the owners had seen a video of a Miami nightclub circa 1985 because the whole place felt like it had just been lifted from some Hollywood movie scene. Believe it or not, that’s actually meant as a compliment.

However, whilst they had put in all the physical elements to ensure a good night … including the loudest fucking sound system I’ve heard since AC/DC at the Monsters Of Rock … the reality was it seemed the people didn’t know how to interact. Seriously, it was like a school disco with all the guys on one side and all the ladies on the other …

Infact I saw more blokes dancing with each other [and before you say it, it wasn’t that kind of bar] than I did couples … you could almost sense the frustration and confusion from both parties in how to mingle with the opposite sex.

Even when every 30 mins, they interrupted the music to get some of their hot female staff [and the odd dodgy gay looking man] to strip down to their bikini’s in a very sexually suggestive manner, it did no good.

It was weird.

VERY weird.

You could feel the tension but still no one acted on it.

Infact, apart from the dodgy Westerners in there [which I’ll come to in a moment] the only person I saw getting lucky was a guy who was pretending to be P. Diddy by buying a bottle of sparkling wine and getting surrounded by a gaggle of Chinese beauties who all thought he was the height of sophistication.

I don’t want people thinking China is sexually repressed … it isn’t … just ask Frith, ha!

However the ol’ cliché of ‘face’ is alive and well and to put yourself in a position where people could laugh at you or step out of accepted cultural ‘norms’ of behviour is very unlikely to happen.

Saying that it’s not just China that does this.

One of the things I do when I’m in Malaysia – a Muslim country let’s not forget – is going into a shopping centre and turning the Bluetooth on my phone.

Because I’ve given my phone quite an ambiguous name, within seconds I am inundated by Bluetooth messages from horny guys who are hoping to get lucky/quickie without [1] risking ridicule [2] openly disregarding their religious values.

Of course if they ever found out they’d sent a message to a 39 year old, bald, rough looking bloke from Nottingham, they’d kill themselves … or me … but it helps prove that for all the talk of ‘cultural and religious rule’ some things are all conquering.

[It’s not just men either. Much to the horror of certain groups, women’s sexuality is going through a period [not the best choice of word there] of liberatation and whilst they are utilising similar ‘face saving tactics’ to attract attention, their ultimate goal of a ‘shag’ is the same – which is contributing to a surge in STD’s and unwanted pregnancies throughout the region.]

But back to the dodgy Westerners.

No, I’m not talking about me … nor the Germans … I’m talking about the new cockroaches of International travel, the Russians.

OK they’re not cockroaches really – infact, the ones I’ve met are top [if slightly scary] individuals … however there are 2 things that amazes me about these folk …

1/ They’re bloody everywhere.

2/ They’re always MASSIVE.

3/ They can’t dance for shit.

[Turn your head to the left for evidence]

Yep, this whole bloody post was just an excuse to show a video I took of some Russian bloke doing the epileptic dance. Thank god he didn’t see me or I might be feeding the fishes – unless Niko could negotiate me out.

13 Comments so far
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i should fucking hate this post as you have some posturing planning bollocks in it but only you would fucking video some fucking ruski mafia bastard and put it on your blog you sad twat.

didnt you learn from your china airport fuckup videoing sad twats in public is a danger to your fucking health. and it is nothing like happy slapping its sad bastardering.

2 things.

1. have you considered the mickey jackson with epilepsy is related to katerinas fucking ruski mafia monkey brick shit house?

2. how the fuck did you find out about that fucking bluetooth blind shag introduction service shit? it blows my mind but not as much as those horny shits want their 2″ cocks.

what the fuck do you do with the messages? knowing you you fucking blackmail the little wankers or sell them on to george michael but do you think its advisable writing this in public after fucking ripping the piss out of jill yesterday.

robisms. now thats a fucking blog in the waiting.

if im not back in a week call the police because it means mary has killed me. probably because i killed auntie for ordering a half of fucking half pint of mild in front of some ruski babes who will be refusing my bluetooth declarations of knee tremblers.

so long suckers.

Comment by andy@cynic

I know Andy will rip me apart but I found this post informative and not because I have always wondered about the dance moves of the average Russian traveller.

But I agree with Andy on one thing and that’s his question relating to how you found out about the shopping centre bluetooth proposition.

It is either genius or something I would rather not think about but there must be a better way to apply the approach or adapt it for use in categories other than the cottage dogging industry within Malaysia shopping centres.

Comment by Pete

You can rest easy Pete, I’m not Billy/Andy/Dodds … and even if I was, I’d still get no luck because there would have to be a point where the propositioner would see my ugly mug and no one – not even Susan Boyle – could be that desperate, ha!

For your information, I found out from our friends at Lonely Planet and ever since then, have got hooked on seeing how desperate/ballsy some people can be. Not sure if it’s something going on everywhere, but its worked pretty much every time I’ve been in Malaysia, ha.

And Andy … good luck, you are most definitely going to need it.

Comment by Rob

live in malaysia: check
bluetooth on: check
alluring name – Russian Blondiebabe: check


Comment by Jacob

Russian Blondiebabe?

That’s got “planning bloke” written all over it!

Hey, did you get my email re: you-know-what!

Comment by Rob

Funny you should talk about indiscreet behavior when you were the embodiment of it this week. I’m still in bad books so you can forget any more favours from me for a while.

That aside, I like the post but its a lot of words for a bad video.

By the way, the bluetooth dating thing was something the gay community used in nightclubs a few years back. I think they referred to it as effective promiscuity so maybe that was where it was picked up from because you know how far Asia is behind the mighty West. 🙂

Comment by Bazza

Are you OK Rob?

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

Can’t comment – too busy checking my phone.

Comment by John

what is it about russians in muslim countries going nuts? the only girls game enough to flaunt shariah law in dubai are the russians. cleavage? tick. short skirts? tick. bling and stilettos? tick.

and the bluetooth blackmarket is full-on there too. in fact, i wanna set up a bluetooth art project there sometime soon. maybe i should try malaysia first 😀

Comment by lauren

Russian Blondiebabe = “planning bloke”

Thats probably why no one in the office fell for it. I was looking to use the incident as a legs up. Got to rise on the corporate ladder one way or another. What are some better names?

no i haven’t received any new email, the emailing ceased on wednesday after i replied to ‘quickie”

Comment by Jacob

I didn’t get your reply then Jacob, can you send it again please.

And you did the bluetooth thing in the office? Of course its not going to work – but hey, if it did, what a great blackmailing tool that would be, ha.

Comment by Rob

i put it into action right away..

so far 0 replies in 1 mall, but 1 side effect: my alarm clock doesnt work when bluetooth is on, which i found out this morning.

Comment by Jacob

I just got an email from Youtube with the sad dancer and I think you’ve missed the point. Most people aren’t very good at dancing and this guy while trying a bit too hard is just trying a bit too hard to have a good time. If we all just stood around and criticized dancers that aren’t very good then nobody would dance.

It’s easy to take the piss but harder work to get up and have some fun. Or even harder to inject some fun into the process.

Just my tuppence.

Comment by Charles

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