The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

So last week – as you all have been bored half to death by – I was away attending research groups.

Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of sitting behind a one-way piece of glass knows how painful this can be – however because of a certain incident with the key researcher, it was even more painful than usual.

Well, I say painful – but it was actually laughable and achieved a new low in the value of the focus group.

But I digress.

For reasons I still don’t know, I found myself in a nightclub in some godforsaken Chinese town at 2am.

There’s so many things wrong with that sentence …

NIGHTCLUB … GODFORSAKEN CHINESE TOWN … 2AM

… and yet that is what happened.

To be honest – if I put aside the fact that I’ve NEVER liked those sorts of places – I did find the whole thing quite interesting.

As I walked in and surveyed the scene, it became obvious the owners had seen a video of a Miami nightclub circa 1985 because the whole place felt like it had just been lifted from some Hollywood movie scene. Believe it or not, that’s actually meant as a compliment.

However, whilst they had put in all the physical elements to ensure a good night … including the loudest fucking sound system I’ve heard since AC/DC at the Monsters Of Rock … the reality was it seemed the people didn’t know how to interact. Seriously, it was like a school disco with all the guys on one side and all the ladies on the other …

Infact I saw more blokes dancing with each other [and before you say it, it wasn’t that kind of bar] than I did couples … you could almost sense the frustration and confusion from both parties in how to mingle with the opposite sex.

Even when every 30 mins, they interrupted the music to get some of their hot female staff [and the odd dodgy gay looking man] to strip down to their bikini’s in a very sexually suggestive manner, it did no good.

It was weird.

VERY weird.

You could feel the tension but still no one acted on it.

Infact, apart from the dodgy Westerners in there [which I’ll come to in a moment] the only person I saw getting lucky was a guy who was pretending to be P. Diddy by buying a bottle of sparkling wine and getting surrounded by a gaggle of Chinese beauties who all thought he was the height of sophistication.

I don’t want people thinking China is sexually repressed … it isn’t … just ask Frith, ha!

However the ol’ cliché of ‘face’ is alive and well and to put yourself in a position where people could laugh at you or step out of accepted cultural ‘norms’ of behviour is very unlikely to happen.

Saying that it’s not just China that does this.

One of the things I do when I’m in Malaysia – a Muslim country let’s not forget – is going into a shopping centre and turning the Bluetooth on my phone.

Because I’ve given my phone quite an ambiguous name, within seconds I am inundated by Bluetooth messages from horny guys who are hoping to get lucky/quickie without [1] risking ridicule [2] openly disregarding their religious values.

Of course if they ever found out they’d sent a message to a 39 year old, bald, rough looking bloke from Nottingham, they’d kill themselves … or me … but it helps prove that for all the talk of ‘cultural and religious rule’ some things are all conquering.

[It’s not just men either. Much to the horror of certain groups, women’s sexuality is going through a period [not the best choice of word there] of liberatation and whilst they are utilising similar ‘face saving tactics’ to attract attention, their ultimate goal of a ‘shag’ is the same – which is contributing to a surge in STD’s and unwanted pregnancies throughout the region.]

But back to the dodgy Westerners.

No, I’m not talking about me … nor the Germans … I’m talking about the new cockroaches of International travel, the Russians.

OK they’re not cockroaches really – infact, the ones I’ve met are top [if slightly scary] individuals … however there are 2 things that amazes me about these folk …

1/ They’re bloody everywhere.

3/ They can’t dance for shit.

[Turn your head to the left for evidence]