The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Is My Best Friend Turning Gay?
May 15, 2009, 6:45 am
Filed under: Comment

A few years ago, my beloved Fred came to work high-panting.

I was so alarmed at this behaviour that I set up a blog and asked for your thoughts.

The effect of all this unwanted attention was that Freddie stepped back from the edge of the marmite motorway and normal family life prevailed.

Whilst this news was of great relief to his family, my almost-a-cliché gay mate Dean was devastated, as he’d had his eye on our Swedish lovely for quite a while … and while his spirits soared when I posted this photo of Fred …

… he was to end up disappointed once more when he found out the snaps were simply Fred at the TBWA Christmas party.

Now I find the whole ‘hidden homosexual’ thing quite interesting.

Not in a schoolboy snigger kind of way, but from a human interest perspective – because I can’t imagine how hard it must be to feel one way and act another.

Yeah … yeah … in some ways, we all have a false/aspired image we try and keep up, but this isn’t about some pathetic ‘status’ goal, this is something far deeper and emotional.

The reason I bring this up is that I think I may have found a person I can ask about this … and it’s no other than my oldest and best friend, Paul.

As I’ve said before, I’ve known this man all my life.

We have been through all our life’s highs and lows together and he is the closest thing to a brother I have.

I used to even joke that if he was an attractive woman, I’d of married him … but something has come to light that makes me believe there’s the possibility he would of wanted to marry me just as I am.

Yes I know he’s very happily married to a bloody wonderful woman …

Yes I know he was a bouncer – once to an exotic dancer with a bloody snake!!!

Yes I know he has ‘lads’ weekends where even looking at a flower is deemed ‘gay’ …

Yes I know when he was about 14 years of age he’d occasionally risk everything and go into the one-eyed [that’s not a euphemism] newsagent opposite Nottingham’s main Police Station to buy the latest copy of ‘Razzle’

[Sidestory: Once, after buying a copy, Paul was waiting at the bus stop to go home. For some reason, the magazine fell out of the brown paper bag he was clutching with all his might and landed with an unceremonious splat on the pavement. To make matters worse, it had somehow opened up to reveal the ‘centre fold’ in all its gynaecological glory. Of course I burst out in hysterical laugher which drew the attention from the fellow bus passengers which resulted in them starring at the magazine … then at Paul … then the magazine … then at Paul until the bright red fool managed to bend down, pick it up and stuff it in his jacket. The icing on the cake – for me at least – was that one of the people who saw this sad little perv was a woman who worked as a waitress at the restaurant I was a pot-washer at. Paul stopped popping in to see me for about 6 months. Hahaha!]

Yes I know he’s too ugly and unfashionable to be gay …

Yes I know he’s about as sensitive as an Australian male …

… but something tells me that despite all this, he’s hiding something – not just from me, but possibly from himself.

To be honest I had my suspicions when he decided to get a Superman tattoo even though it was a well known subliminal emblem for homosexuality.

He claimed he got it because Jon Bon Jovi had one – which I admit, threw me off the scent for a bit – though now, 20 years later, I realise that was possibly his first attempt at broaching the subject with me.

Of course I could be wrong … maybe all this behaviour is not a cry for help … so to ensure I don’t upset him and ruin 38 years of friendship, could you have a look at the evidence I’ve compiled and tell me, IS PAUL SECRETLY GAY?

Aged 3 or 4 … and he’s wearing a tie!!!

The heavy rock phase. Or the ‘look-like-a-woman’ phase!!!

Experimenting with ‘high-camp’ photo poses.

Dear God, what was he thinking?

The closet doors finally open?

Whatever the answer – I’ll always love you Paul – I just will ask you to stop hugging me when you see me!

30 Comments so far
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what the fuck are you thinking campbell? what made you do this? it was boredom wasnt it? boredom has just ruined your fucking friendship.

writing about satan on your wifes head when she is asleep is one thing, but this?

and you fucking throw fred to the friendship wolves too. with friends like you, who needs hitler?

i knew you were a strange man campbell but i never knew you were a fucking mental.

thank fuck you dont drink. amazing.

Comment by andy@cynic

oh yeah, the answer is hes gay.

gayer than freddie mercury who lives on fudge tunnel street with 9 male “servants”, a handbag dog and a 5″ butt plug.

you looking forward to dying alone rob?

Comment by andy@cynic

What were you thinking? You’ve just ruined your friendship with the only person who has your infamous “drunk” video on file. Excellent planning.

In your defence, on the evidence provided, Paul does look a little flower happy, especially in the photo where he is trying to replicate Pamela Anderson circa 1985 and that very disturbing gimpesque thing.

I don’t agree with Andrew comparing you to Hitler, but I would say you have strange friends, because despite this I know they still adore you and will laugh. Are they all on drugs?

Comment by George

You don’t see it do you?

This is what friendship is about. I’m not humiliating them, I’m saving them. Saving them from a life where they have to hide their inner feelings, their innermost desires and dreams. I don’t care if they’re gay, straight or a train spotter [OK, I couldn’t handle the train spotting] … this is the ultimate declaration of friendship, encouraging them to be true to themselves or stopping them from being stupid to themselves.

This is friendship … this is love … this is why Paul, Fred and a few others who stupidly sent me some “WHATHEFUCKWERETHEYTHINKING” photos as an innocent gesture don’t beat the living crap out of me.

I hope.

Mind you, they’ve got to find me first. Which I doubt they will because I’m sharing the same hiding spot under the stairs as Obama and Mr Rushdie.

Besides, Paul’s gone on holiday for 2 weeks, ha!

Comment by Rob

This is my favourite post. Ever. You’ll be shot on sight but it was worth it.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Mr CAMPbell may I remind you I may be on holiday but it is called the World Wide Web you know, anyway you may have pinched a few dodgy photos of me but may I remind you that it was YOU that only yesterday on facebook offered me a “hand job” and I’m thinking is it YOU who has the little secret really ???????? What do they say……revenge is a dish best served cold,with a side of blunt force trauma !! WATCH OUT !!!!!!

Comment by Paul

I didn’t offer you a handjob … you said you were very bored and I simply suggested that if you embarked on a mild dose of masturbation, it might help.

Of course, given you are secretly ‘a gay’ means you might simply be expressing your innermost desires, but this isn’t about upsetting you my dearest, oldest friend – this is about trust, and letting you know I will be there for you even when you admit to an unhealthy obsession with Dale Winton.

Now go have a great holiday – and remember, in a month we’re officially on the ‘final countdown’ to our special holiday in June 2010 so we have to make plans, as long as they don’t involve dropping the soap inthe shower and expecting me to pick it up.

Love to you and your ‘throw-them-off-the-scent’ wife … Rxxx

Comment by Rob

make the fucker pay paul. were all behind you, but not like you wish mr receiver

Comment by andy@cynic

Right Rob in picture order I would like to contribute:

1) how can you comment on Paul wearing a tie which no doubt his dear Mum has forced on him when you voluntarily used to wear a green felt jacket monday to friday? VOLUNTARILY I stress.

2) Yes the long hair and highlights were a bit of a disaster but I think he proved himself 100% hot blooded male when I said cut them off or I won’t marry you. But then again sadly he probably should not of cut them off and saved us both a tremedous amount of heart ache but thats life for you he never was good enough for me.

3) that photo on the field is no worse than your sad bangok shake poses in fact its far better.

4) that photo and event was entirely master minded by you so you clearly had a desire to see Paul naked with a stocking on his head and being whipped – and at this stage of your life I am almost certain you were still a virgin so who is the gay one?

5) no comment other than Paul looks very smart which is something I can honestly say I have only once seen you look!

Have a lovely holiday Paul and Shelley and look forward to killing Rob when you next see him.

Rob you should know better than to write a post like this its as good as inviting me to comment on Nottingham is the shittiest place on earth ;).


Comment by BTBB

why is obama hiding under the stairs?

Comment by lauren

1/ So you’re saying it’s Ann’s fault … nice.

And I didn’t wear the green jacket exclusively, there was a fucking awful purple/blue thing as well – but I agree it was better suited to on a TV gameshow host … a gameshow that would be probably be broadcast on Central TV at 5:30pm.

2/ He used a CAN of hairspray a day. A CAN!!! Forget everything else – all I can think of is he caused the ozone problem.

3/ Bangkok Shakes = 1989. Paul = 2008. I rest my case on this point.

4/ Actually on all these points you’re not quite right – but I still remember the look on your and Paul’s Dad’s faces so I am willing to put this photo aside because I did feel a bit of shame in having something [but not all] to do with it.

5/ A bloke is trying to snog him. It doesn’t matter he is smart – a bloke is trying to snog him. And I’ll have you know I’ve been smart 5 times in my life – but then we haven’t seen eachother for bloody years so I appreciate you might not know.

But putting this all aside, you – as well as Mr Hill – know that I love him as much as a man who isn’t gay, could … and for simply bringing back some mad memories, it was worth it.

Hope you’re doing well lovely … take care and speak soon.


Comment by Rob

He he I had forgotten about the blue/purple jacket probably violet would describe it well my god and we thought it was normal!

As for 4) I humbly apologise for laying the entire blame at your feet but yes I seem to remember a certain Mr Churchill’s involvement now (who I saw a couple of weeks ago with his lovely wife all that family are very well).

5) the bloke is trying to lick him I think that’s even worse – with no offence mean’t are you sure its a bloke?! I would say that is questionable!

I’m good thanks although had a horrific week with family illness again (check out facebook). This post has made me smile on a day when the world seemed to be ending again so thank you Rob. xx

Comment by BTBB

Actually Mr Churchill wasn’t the only one – I think Mr Singer also had a rather big hand in its manifestation. And yes, ‘violet’ is a much better description – though how I wish it wasn’t, haha!

Now I’ve just read/interpreted the nightmare you’ve just gone through – and thank goodness it seems like there’s some positivity now happening – so take care, not just of your family … but of you as well, because whilst you’re a super woman, you’re not superwoman and everyone needs to take care of themselves.

And that is an order.


Comment by Rob

Hi Rob,
Just back from a fab holiday and am loving the suggestions that my husband may be gay (although after 4.5 years with my last partner he decided to turn the other way so maybe its me????).
I was rather wondering about this issue myself as I see a lot of “brolove” at his place of work – recently at his work colleagues daughters christening I saw Paul being taken roughly from behind over a table by a bloke (ok he was being dry humped but its still rather disturbing) although I think it was more of a shock for the 90 year only great grandmother who was sitting on the next table! (This really happened!).
Oh hang on – I’m supposed to be convincing us all that he is not gay so here goes:
Today 11:40 ish: Peugeot garage receptionist in normal office wear:
“Shell, why is that woman flashing her tits at me”?

Today 13:30 ish, Victoria Centre woman sorting child out in pushchair
“Shell, I can see that womans tits”
Today 1600 ish , Bella Pasta restaurant, Nottingham, pretty waitress in non reavealing clothes
“Shell do you think she facies me with my tan?”
Today 1730 ish , Sainsburys supermarket Nuthall
“Shell, do you see that womans g string”
10 minutes ago – BBC – The One show
“Shell I can see Christina Blackleys pants”

Its obvious he is either in severe denial or he is a complete pervert!!! Either way I love and adore him the way he is (although he could do more around the house) but if he is gay then don’t you think he would have better dress sense????
Love to you Rob and Jill – we miss you come home soon XXX
Shelly, long suffering wife of gaypervertpaul

Comment by Shelly

Congrats Shelly – this could be the greatest comment EVER in the history of this blog.

You come in. You conquer. You leave.

Typical woman, hahaha!

Comment by Rob

so shelly admits shes married a 3 year old who thinks being anally savaged at a christening is acceptable and can turn men into raving homahs.

i like you. i like you a fucking lot. but i hope to fuck that i never actually meets you.

Comment by andy@cynic

brilliant. fucking brilliant that was.

Comment by lauren

why the fuck were you in bella pasta at 4pm? thats close to chav behaviour but not as close as anal savagery at christenings.

Comment by andy@cynic

Please go to Pauls facebook site asap to see the image one of his mates has posted (before he deletes it)!!!!
PS Andy, when Paul is not camping it up or being ‘annally abused’ we sometimes just do normal things like havin pizza n wine on the last day of our hols X

Comment by Shelly

but 4pm? isnt that just early or is the pasta a clever way to justify fuckloads of nottingham vino? now thats smart.

whats this photo of paul he might delete? being dry spit roasted at a funeral?

Comment by andy@cynic

4pm is mid afternoon – you ever heard of afternoon tea?????? (ok afternoon wine in this case?)
Image of Paul is open on facebook but only to his friends – Rob you are just about still his friend after this so you might get a look.

Comment by Shelly

The canny bugger took it down before I could see it Shelly.

I expect a full debrief when I see you, Rx

Comment by Rob

Andy I would like to see Rob write a post about you that provokes a response from the ex-wives and wife now that would be entertaining!

Comment by BTBB

Nikki, you mention ex wives – your the only one I know of – are there more????

Comment by Shelly

Shelly not that I am aware of but I think that fella of yours is a bit of a dark horse so who knows! No seriously I mean’t plural as regards to Andy and his ex-wives as I gather he has rather a lot of them! It is amazing we have never met as I run into the Hill family frequently its a small world but not that small x

Comment by BTBB

campbell can write what he wants, theyre too busy gorging themselves on my monthly hush money to risk having the well of unfuckingdeserved wealth shut off.

Comment by andy@cynic

Whoever said a woman scorned make that an Andy scorned!

Comment by BTBB

Hell, this blog is more effective than the united nations!

Comment by Rob

And about as relevant.

Comment by John

not quite sure to agree – here s what they say

Comment by peggy

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