The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Because celebrity endorsements pay well?

Comment by John January 14, 2009 @ 9:14 am

haha, yes I must admit… the link between Dr Hook and brands is a little tenuous even for you Rob! Stay evil.

Comment by Age January 14, 2009 @ 10:15 am

Its one of those wonderful tracks where people play it at their wedding without ever listening to the bitter words.

See also Bon Jovi – Always.

Comment by Rob Mortimer January 14, 2009 @ 4:40 pm

Oh blimey. This is going to set me off…. So ignore this if you’re looking for a one liner. I’m not very good at them anyway.

It’s a great subject Rob.

Lots of dimensions to it and the one that emerges strongest is the subject of jealousy and fear. This is your post but I’m going to rattle on a bit if you don’t mind, about me because I’ve talked about this subject endlessly with friends. I’ll probably write a load of stuff because I know I can just cut and past it one day as I sometimes do in comments, so sorry about this.

I’m a bit odd on the fear and jealousy front; well an exception anyway because I’ve seen this one wreck more relationships than anything else and for some reason I’ve got a really good wiring that I guess has evolved through experience and maybe a certain disposition.

I’ve loads of other faults of course, but I pride myself on how jealousy free I am. It’s probably one of the three best things I like about me. I abosolutely love it when people are doing well, in all things. I find it cheers me up. So the logic extends to my partner finding someone else more appealing. Of course I don’t love it but bear with me.

Anyway, the thing is I’ve got a mindset with any women/lover/partner and so on. It doesn’t matter who they are. If they want to be with someone else. If I can see they are interested. I’m the first person in my mind and heart, regardless of how intensly I feel for them to wish them well. If we really love people we would want the best for them and anything else is just about possession. Or attachment if you like.

Anyway if they decide someone else is more attractive I really want them to have the best even if I think I’m better.

However they need to get out of my life as quickly as possible if the feeling has changed.. Martyrdom for feelings of love is not healthy at all.

Those are the rules and furthermore the person is also never coming back.

Lots of relationships thrive on the fractures of envy. I see that many couples try to prove the extent of their feelings by wanting to have complete control or at least full disclosure of all the information possible. It’s this mindset that pushes people into corners and encourages lying. Far better to let people get on with things. No need to know who, when, why or how. They’ll say if it’s important and they will also keep silent first if deception is required. So questions never help. The create problems.

It’s futile but still those questions seem to be like emotional crack for lots and lots of people.

I wouldn’t dream of reading my partners emails, looking through their private things, or feeling bad if I felt anything was being concealed from me.

There’s an expression I learnt in Thailand and it’s a corker.

“The open palm is the tightest grip.”

It’s really true. I can’t explain it.

It works very well. In the first place women kind of sense it when there’s no fear. They like it too. It doesn’t mean it can rescue a relationship but it is for the better. As is money.

The thing about the jealously feeling is it completely corrupts the mind. It’s like a short circuit. I’ve observed it so many times (spent God knows how many hours listening and listening and listening) but it overides a lot of neural safety nets. If people could see themselves they’d be shocked.

So I’d better put some qualifications down because as we all know I’ve been warming up the subs bench for a long time even though I adore women’s company and often have girls that I meet outside, back for a day or three whether it turns out platonic or not.

So I’d better share that I’ve had the most beautiful women in my life, some in between folk, and one that was not easy on the eye in any way imaginable.

Most would say I wasn’t being harsh if I said she was a minger.

If it wasn’t for her persistence (repeatedly asking to stay over at my place) I’d have never thought it possible, but I kind of admired the tenacity, loved the way my kitchen came alive with proper food, really liked the company and that isn’t even mentioning her business acumen, creative talent and formidable intellect. So one day I learnt to ignore that she was a bit of a ropey and enjoyed the good things. Interesting process.

Because Thai’s are possibly the best looking women on the planet (not the best… the best looking) the only way I could keep my sanity was too look at the ground when we were together. It worked to. Because I don’t care what anyone says. Even though I adored lots about her. There’s no point kidding myself I wanted more. So look at the ground I did. And it worked a dream.

What’s the lesson?

I guess I’m saying that if a relationship isn’t based on the important stuff. If it’s about the superficial stuff, how we look or how much we make, Then it’s already fucked. It’s just a matter of time. There’s a balance with the money issue because a woman likes to know a man can make his way in the world but it’s important that it only a badge of masculinity. The cash itself isn’t going to keep the love going. It helps of course.

So I think I’ve always had that consistent quality in all my partners. I liked them as people. Even the first who, I kick myself now because even thouugh I really liked it that she was a model and looked like Audrey Hepburn. I didn’t know that I was fucking Audrey Hepburn at the age of 16. I wish someone had told me that at the time but I digress. Beautiful women are rarely beautiful inside because it’s a distorted world they live in. It’s mainly guys that create this problem but hey!

So to wrap up, because this is about my thoughts now and maybe it’s just as much for me to use this in the future to build on if I want to write about the subject or point people towards here rather than explain everything because I’ve talked about this many times.

But to conclude. When I look at you and your wife as I’ve seen the odd picture. Sure I see your wife is prettier than you but that’s hardly an evolutionary leap given pretty isn’t where a fella should be.

I see two people who look like they are a good match based on the little information I know. One a pretty woman and the other a pretty amazing guy.

What’s so hard to understand about that? It’s not flattery it’s the facts.

More than that I think that way more important than the way we look is character. The odd friend will say I’m easy on the eye, but the truth is I used to walk into Go Go bars 15 years ago and the dancers would scream. Now I’m lucky if they even sit next to me and ask for a drink. I’d go to restaurants and sometimes the entire joint would turn around.

But the thing is I never ever knew the confidence to enjoy the way I looked when I was younger. I’d over think it all and couldn’t be relaxed enough to have the confidence to be just me. One of the best chicks who hit on me in the last few years did so when I was sitting glum in a nightclub, and being very distant to everyone.

So I’m trying to say that character is very important and you’ve got that in spades. But I’ll also share one more thing because I’m pretty good at pointing out good stuff. I notice things.

You know when I met Russell Davies in the Pub in 2007. The first thing that leapt out were his eyes. You can’t see it on any screen or from a picture.

Deeply intelligent people’s eyes are on another level. From burning with intellect to zen like. Go check out the Western monks in any decent temple and you’ll see what he’s got. I could give you 10 adjectives that describe his eyes because they are quite remarkable but the point is I recall you when I met, as having the eyes of a person who was quite remarkable. Believe me that’s the sort of equipment that no amount of neo classical good looks and mens hair spray can stand against. When I look at beautiful womem, it’s the flaw I always find first but the eyes. Well you can’t buy them frankly. I bet your missus could explain.

One last thing. Because this is surely the best thing I know about your wife (which is very little)

When you first met, she chose to sit beside you and not opposite you. Despite all that social engineering and deeply ingrained custom for basically a polarized and binary view of life. Face to face. Man and Woman. Her view your view. Menus in between too is what pisses me off.

Your wife chose to sit beside you and somehow I see that as a methaphor for the way you will be always.

Right I’ve said my piece. Your whole post is probably about some subtext I’ve overlooked but when I got something to say… well you know me by now. Anyway, I’ve got a visitor coming around to bum a few grand (Baht)

Don’t forget Rob

THE open palm is the tightest grip.

There are only a few things I’d get up on the soapbox for but this is one of them.

Comment by Charles Frith January 14, 2009 @ 5:02 pm

Great expression Charles. That’s going to see it’s way into a lot of presentations I’m sure. As for your go go experience – I guess it just reiterates the youth fixation of the gay scene.

Comment by John January 15, 2009 @ 12:53 am

John. You have no idea how easy my life would be if I just danced on the other side of the ballroom. Instead I’m compelled to rely on your evidence. Bless ya!

Comment by Charles Frith January 15, 2009 @ 7:31 am

is anyone else as bored as all fucking hell with this dr hook post as I am?

its like too many fucking ads. nice on first view but wears thin within minutes. story of campbells life

Comment by andy@cynic January 16, 2009 @ 12:02 pm