The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Chips Should Be Put In Your Mouth, Not On Your Shoulders …
October 23, 2008, 6:47 am
Filed under: Comment

Yes it’s another anti-Oz post.

Look I genuinely love the country … I spent nearly 10 years of my life there, I have an Aussie [well, half Aussie] wife, property, friends … it’s more my home than Nottingham … however there’s one thing I detest about the place and that’s its desperation to be seen as a global player.

It wouldn’t be so bad if they concentrated on the things they’ve given the World that have really made a positive and lasting difference, but no – they focus almost exclusively on anything to do with fucking movies, music and sport which means Australia is subliminally saying they’re the most superficial place on Earth. Maybe.

Anyway, what made me write this post was an article I read about actor Aaron Eckhart …


Yep, because this American actor spent a year at a school in Oz, this fuckwit magazine [tongue-in-cheek or not] is claiming the country deserves the credit for his success.

They said the same about Cameron Diaz [spent a few months living in Sydney’s ‘Cross’ area] and that complete pain-in-the-ass, Renee Zellweger because some distant relative is an Aussie or something.

Listen guys, you have a great country – you don’t need to latch onto things that are obviously not yours in a desperate attempt to feel important – you’re great on your own terms, so for the last time, let me tell you …

AC/DC are Scottish

Crowded House are Kiwi

Russell Crowe is a Kiwi

Hugh Jackman is English

As is Naomi Watts

Men At Work were fronted by a Scotsman

As were Cold Chisel

Mel Gibson is a Yank

As is Aaron Eckhart, Cameron Diaz and Renee Bitchface.

And amazingly, Abba were famous even before Australia ‘took them to their bosom’.

Look I I know this might be hard for you to hear over the sound of you patting yourselves on the back but I hope you understand because you have plenty of ‘stars’ of your own to be proud of – like Greg ‘choker’ Norman, Pat ‘headband’ Cash, Nicole ‘married for fame’ Kidman, Kylie ‘exploit my illness’ Minogue, Keith ‘Suburban’ Urban, the entire cast of Home & Away and of course your glorious PM, Kevin ‘chipmunk’ Rudd.

Oh, and just a word of warning … if you really want to argue the toss that people like Russell ‘go Russell go’ Crowe are Aussies, then you will also have to accept I too am one of your countrymen and I’m sure the thought of that is even worse than having John Howard back.

Right, onwards and upwards … πŸ™‚

68 Comments so far
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i hope everyone who reads this blog understands this post shows how fucking brave campbell is.

yes brave.

you might think its a cheeky dig at some insignificant country that has sun and some top birds but this is a post by a man who is tougher than clint eastwood as dirty fucking harry. if dirty harry had shit taste in music clothes and electronics.

you wanna know why? well ask mr fucking residency suicide what oz immigration have him doing at the moment and then youll know this is one of the bravest acts youll ever of seen.

hang on am i saying brave? i meant fuckwitism.

if youre in the market for property in australia dont fucking despair i think theres going to be some nice houses going cheap in a few days unless he has to sign them over to the wife to stop her divorcing him.

well done campbell now just slag off iran and north korea and youll have no where else to fucking turn unless theres a seat going on galatica

Comment by andy@cynic

keith suburban urban is the best description of the warbling hairdresser you should be at nme or your fucking beloved kerrang

Comment by andy@cynic

i have nothing to say.

Comment by lauren

Suburban is also a kiwi.

Comment by John

lauren fucking brown has nothing to say? what the fuck? i am assuming its because you are a boiling cauldron of hate but im not ignoring the fact it could be because you agree with planner rob. for fucks sake make it the former, the latter would be too disheartening for me to fucking bare.

and thank you campbell for clearing up my over eagerness with the fucking enter key. you have some uses sometimes

Comment by andy@cynic

i knew youd know dodds. i can see you walking down tot court road in your cowboy hat and spurs. do you come in chaps as well? πŸ™‚

Comment by andy@cynic

dodds i have left campbell a voicemail with explicit (very fucking explicit) instructions to transcribe it into an email and send it on to you so dont press “trash” like everyone normally does when they get a rob email. stop shaking with excitement

Comment by andy@cynic

and its because my email is fucked again not because i see campbell as nothing more than a secretary. theyre much more useful than a planner

Comment by andy@cynic

If you hadn’t written such a funny comment about ‘chaps’, I would tell you to piss off – but as it made me smile on this early morning, Mr D can expect an email winging its way into his box.

Hmmmmn, another euphamism there …

And Lauren, what’s the point of writing baiting posts if you don’t bite? Mind you, following our discussions about the Australian outpost of a company rather close to my heart/life, I think Andy might be right when he said you didn’t respond because it’s true. πŸ™‚

Comment by Rob

lol, Andy you’re on fire.

Rob, this post is littered with sad, sad truths.
Can i add something called the “Aussie’s hate the successful” theory where as soon as any of aforementioned celebs fail to represent the traditional Aussie mentality of the “battler” they are bascially shunned/disowned by society.
Until of course something really awful happens to them and they get cancer (or buy a league club), then hey, they’re fucking A-OK in my books mate. “They represent the Aussie spirit brother!”

Gives me the shits.

Comment by Age

Tall poppy syndrome eh? I love how Australia even thinks that’s something unique to them when it’s been in existence in many countries for centuries – and to be honest, even then I question is Australia really lives up to this because as long as they fly the ‘union jack [and a few stars]’ flag on a World stage, they’re treated like all conquering heroes.

As I said, I do genuinely love the country and think it has given the World a whole heap of wonderful and amazing things – I just don’t believe it’s limited to just sport, music and film, quite the opposite infact – which is why it’s lack of publicity [which Australian Government wholeheartedly encourages] makes me ill.

Anyway I should stop with this cultural cliche stuff – I recently got told off by my Mum for inferring Italians are cowards – especially because her family were quite well known for fighting against social, cultural and economic wrongs. I tried to tell her it was all a joke and I’m an equal opportunity insulter, but it was to no avail – so I think it’s best I move onto tomorrow’s post as quickly as I can, haha!

Comment by Rob

Your Mother is always right Robert.

Comment by Lee Hill

Would love to hear what you think about the French πŸ˜‰

Comment by Geert

the frogs have top birds so they cant be all bad. not like those fucking ugly pointless welsh bastards*

* lees wife and gold digger zeta jones excluded

Comment by andy@cynic

Thank you for not insulting my soon to be client Andy. You are showing a new found level of maturity and business sense. πŸ™‚

I’m with you on Kylie Robert. I used to think she was sex on legs but there’s a sense of opportunist about her at the moment which I find a little unattractive. Then at 40+ she can’t keep going around in hotpants for much longer so she’s most likely making decisions based on a need to keep her pension topped up. πŸ™‚

It is at this point I publically declare my wife Sarah is my number 1. I’ve learned from Andy’s mistakes. πŸ™‚

Comment by Pete

At least you Brits ackowledged Zola Budd was a convenient import when you stole her from us. Didn’t do you much good though did it? πŸ™‚

Comment by Bazza

On Kylie…

I think she’s rubbish because for a women who has grown up through the industry, relationship turmoils, has had cancer, beat it and come back… her music is still brainless, meaningless pop shit. I mean, DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING PERSONALITY? DO YOU LIVE? If she had REAL talent she’d be able to (ask her writers to) pen a track which makes me connect with her and maybe feel something for Christ’s sake, even Britney’s writers create topical songs for her.

Anyways, whatever…

Comment by Age

You know nothing of, or care nothing for, facts. For example, Hugh Jackman is Australian. Not English. He was conceived in Australia, born there (in Sydney), raised there, schooled there…he’s an Aussie. Get a grip.

Comment by Ronan

perhaps australia needs to include ‘celebrities’ or ‘successful people’ on its monthly trade accounts:

imports: aaron eckhart (US), naomi watts (UK)
exports: heath ledger (US), peter andre (UK).

that way, we’ll get a more accurate picture of our ‘assets’.

Comment by lauren

oh dear.

Comment by Marcus

You really think it’s best to move on to another post? It’s your optimism that I admire.

Comment by John

The best thing ever to come out of Australia:

More room in our prisons.


Real answer: Shaun Mccallef

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Well I’m glad this post got the desired response though it’s quite disappointing only “Ronan” took the bait.

Saying that, I think I can counter Ronan’s point because whilst Hugh Jackman was born in Australia, his parents were/are British so that means he’s actually a Pom.

Lets face it, if I was born in Iraq whilst my parents were on holiday there [ahem] I wouldn’t be an Iraqi, I’d still be half English, half Italian … so given Hugh’s folks were both from [not so] Great Britain, the Peter Allen Wolverine thespian is an immigrant of Australia rather than an Australian.

But then is any Aussie a real Aussie apart from the Aboriginals πŸ™‚

Come on lets have some oomph on this please – I’ve just been in a preso with Landor and have steam that needs releasing.

[For the record, I made a “comment” within 11 minutes – even quicker than I expected!]

Comment by Rob

Dear Ronan. Hugh Jackman was born in Australia BUT his parents were born in England and his career began in London’s West End. So the only thing Australia did was give him a place to be born. But thanks for popping by and now please let you grip take you on and bother someone else, muppet.

Comment by Seb

Now back to business. What’s up with Andy? He’s in the shape of his life. Having a fired up monologue here. Bloody hell.

And I can’t really follow all your rants about Australia. It has sun, it has beaches. Hey, I’m a kraut, I should be the one ranting about my country.

Comment by Seb

I think I’m in love with Seb … Billy was right, cynic HAS turned into a Freddie Mercury themepark πŸ™‚

Comment by Rob

Oh and thanks to Andy for pointing out Australia actually wants to kick me out. How bad must someone be for the World Jail to regard them as a non-desirable. It’s almost an honour!

Comment by Rob

you know what i hate about your oz-bashing posts rob? i go from being a card-carrying member of the cynical society against the fuckedness of australia, to a mildly patriotic defensive douchebag… i hate it!

part of me wants to object to the mindless shit you pick on the country for (like dumb-ass rag mags, and stupid tourism ads, which are the dumb same the world over) and challenge you to really take to task the important things that are fucked about this country, like mandatory detention for refugees, disparity between the rich and poor, LCD everything else and indigenous human rights abuses (not just a cursory, smiley comment in there somewhere)

and then i realise that i’m starting to sound like a fucking tracksuit wearing, holden-driving (sorry age), herald-sun reading bogan and future wife of ronan (having divorced my first husband) and then i have to shut the hell up.

see? it pisses me off! so next time, i really am going to say nothing and pretend i’m from some other planet, where giving a fuck about the place you’re from doesn’t even rate and having a sense of humour about stuff does.


Comment by lauren

I have 3 passports and 4 nationalities.

Comment by niko

When cynic turns into a Klaus Meine or Rudolf Schenker themepark, please let me know. I want a job then. Thank you.

Comment by Seb

Tall poppy syndrome exists worldwide and always has – if it didn’t the celebrity magazine business wouldn’t be so huge. It also reflects all our “if only” delusions and perhaps an innate human desire for equality. As I’m getting far too serious, I’ll end by wondering allowed why the germans invented Schadenfreude?

Comment by John

nothing wrong with a bit of homeland lovin, mss Brown.

But then again I am biased on this issue.

Comment by niko

i know niko, but i go through ‘homeland lovin’ everytime rob bitches about the place and i hate the whole concept of nation-based allegiance or vilification

Comment by lauren

Thing is Lauren – if I mentioned those horrendous and very, very serious acts of wrong [even though I have talked about some of them – and in a serious way – before] I’d be accused of everything under the sun by people who lose all sense of objectivity the moment their home country is called into question … and the fact is I love Oz – it’s an amazing, beautiful country – I just don’t love what it’s turning into.

And as for Cynic turning into the funground of Klaus Meine or Rudolf Schenker – have you forgotten this???

Right, I have a bloody long video conference with my lovely and polite [cough cough] colleagues so until then, I bid you all farewell and say that you can keep your Jason ‘drug lovin’ Donovan’s and your Kylie ‘let me launch a perfume to capitalise on the publicity my illness got’ Minogue and I’ll stick with my Frank Sidebottom’s and Eddie The Eagles because I’d rather have a celebration of people following their passion – even if they’re shit at it – than a culture that regards winning as being more important than human rights, acceptance and equality.

Comment by Rob

Dear Seb,
Hugh Jackman’s career most emphatically did NOT “begin” in London’s West End, and Australia gave him rather more than just a place to be born. The Australian-born Mr. Jackman spent ALL of his school time in Australia, learned his craft in Australia, made his stage debut in Australia and in fact had two acclaimed (award-winning) stage roles in two different musicals in Australia before ever going to work in London, made his TV debut in Australia, made his film debut in Australia…are we sensing a pattern here? Yes, Mr. Jackman did star in Oklahoma! in London’s West End and that became a launch pad for his U.S. career, but he already had a career in acting before going to London. The Aussies quite decidedly already had Mr. Jackman first. By birth, I believe Mr. Jackman does hold dual citizenship in Great Britain, but he doesn’t consider himself British. The Aussies still have him; Mr. Jackman quite proudly, and quite rightly, proclaims himself to be an Australian born and bred. Shouldn’t that settle that particular matter? In everyone’s case, not just Mr. Jackman’s?

And dear Rob, by your logic, I am Welsh, or perhaps Scottish, despite the fact that I was born in the U.S. and have resided there my entire life, since my great-grandparents were Welsh (maternal) and Scottish (paternal). Please, let’s be serious. No, it is not likely that most of us can be called truly indigenous to our home countries. I understand your point about parents who travel and have a child in a country other than their home country…but we all claim a “home” country. I think that might be the point of all this…what IS “American”, or “Australian”, or “British”? Does a piece of paper make us one nationality over another, or is it our immigrant antecedents that determines that, or does it only come down to how tied we feel in our hearts to a country and its people? I’m just asking…

Comment by Ronan

Dear Lauren,

Thank you, but I already have a husband, so I don’t need a wife–I’m filling that role quite nicely in my family, thank you. I’ve GOT to remember to thank my parents for giving me a name everyone automatically assumes is male in gender, eeesh.

Comment by Ronan

Ronan, the fact is we DO need a piece of paper to determine which country we can call home – that’s why so many people put themselves through incredible dangers to achieve that very goal … however I do understand what you’re saying and you’re right, I’m just being a pedantic shit however I also think Australia is one of the worst culpritd in its total myopic attitude towards it’s achievements and place/value in the World … and that’s a shame because the things that are truly great are often overlooked and the things that need solving are hidden under the carpet.

Would you like me to do a post on “WHY DID MY PARENTS CALL ME THIS?” … maybe we’ll agree on that πŸ™‚

Comment by Rob

“the Aussies still have him”

fuck me ronan dont you see what youve done? youve fallen right into what campbell was saying about your beloved ozland. please dont do it again because the bastard will be a smug shit for the rest of the day.

and for what its worth you can keep him, we dont want his grandma wife anywhere near us. πŸ™‚

Comment by andy@cynic

and campbell a few points.

1 youre supposed to be on a vc with us. i know its boring but it might be nice if you do what the fuck youre paid to do once in a while

2 you should keep your ipod singing shit in a very dark cave and forget about it because bringing it up reminds people about it and makes them show it your google friends

3 youre a twat

4 but youre my twat

Comment by andy@cynic

If I was reading this blog I would accept what you are saying but I’m not, I’m concentrating on what George is being very serious about!

Comment by Rob

I am Hollywood.

Comment by Hugh Jackman

All the girls in the office agree Hugh Jackman is yummy and we don’t care where he comes from.
Jemma x

Comment by Jemma King

You all sound very smart and talented, Jemma and friends. Ever consider careers in film?

Comment by Hugh Jackman

Sorry Hugh but our bosses are too hot to leave.
Jemma x

Comment by Jemma King

This is the greatest (and most disappointing) insight you’ll ever get into the myopic view of Australia… read the comments.

I’m actually ashamed…,22023,24540298-11088,00.html

Comment by Age

ps. read from the bottom up to get the flow…

Comment by Age

fuck i hate this country.

Comment by lauren

That’s shamefull but my adopted home still leads the way on bigots because some people call Obama a Muslim terrorist and actually mean it plus after 9/11 hundreds of radio stations banned the Beatles “Oh bla de oh bla da” for being Arabic. Sadly that is not a joke.

Comment by Pete

no fucking wonder hugh jackman pretends to be an aussie. the fuckers would turn on him if he fessed up and said he was a proud fucking brit.

hey ronan i didnt see your comment on that sport story or did you write under an assumed name?

Comment by andy@cynic

All I can say is…so, I hear you live in Singapore?

Comment by katherineliew

Hi Katherine … of course I do, you don’t expect me to slag off a nation whilst actually still living in it do you? πŸ™‚

Comment by Rob

Playing to your Italian heritage Robert? (Sorry Mrs C, I’m only joking)

And Katherineliew should be careful with what she say’s because I’m guessing she lives in Australia which means she’s probably living in a house Rob owns given he is one Australia’s premier land barron/evil landlords. πŸ™‚

Comment by Bazza

I think this is where I counter your argument with a careful crafter response.


Yep, I think that puts you firmily in your place, ha!

Comment by Rob

Interesting way to talk to a client Robert. I wonder how George will view it? πŸ™‚

Comment by Bazza

So it’s come to that … the old power-play.

To be honest I’m impressed with how long you’ve with held playing that card because if I were you, I’d of used it from day 1, haha.

OK, in the interests of George’s heart [he’s still fragile after my Diet Coke diatribe] I shall clarify what I may of said previously for fear of it getting lost in translation.

What I meant to say was …

“What a wonderfully witty response, your brains are truly disproportionate to you physical stature.”


Comment by Rob

Rob: People in glass houses lah. Anyway, most Singaporeans seem to…very quietly.

Bazza: I’ll sell my soul to Adland but that would be too far, don’t you think?

Comment by katherineliew

Oh don’t worry about me Katherine – all joking aside – I am happy to throw stones because the too many people in this World [especially in countries like Oz, US and Singapore] adopt an attitude of “as long as it doesn’t bother me, it’s OK” and that’s one of the most destructive and inhumane attitudes around.

Lets remember Australia is the country that picked up the homeless when the Pope came to visit so the World would be presented with a ‘clean image’ when the homeless are exactly who the Pope should be using his power to help. But hey, as long as “our Nicole” gets a nod for an Accademy Award the World is fine isn’t it.

Sorry – but as you probably guessed, underneath this pisstake post are issues that really bother me πŸ™‚

Comment by Rob

Despite the silliness of this post, your last comment shows how passionate you are against social injustice.

This is one of the reasons why we work with you, though George is the main reason.

Comment by Lee Hill

How long have you been waiting to use that eh Lee? Thanks alot … you win the award for biggest backhanded compliment EVER. I wouldn’t be surprised if I learnt Andy wrote that for you.

Worse, I am grudgingly impressed by it – so I can’t wait to see you next week with my 2 cups of boiling starbucks πŸ™‚

Comment by Rob

…I wish that was the worst thing wrong with Australia.

I don’t think there was any papal comment about that either, so ‘should’ be helping is about right.

Comment by katherineliew

Notice how we in Australia are not claiming you Rob!

Comment by skid

Or Richard Wilkins … πŸ™‚

Comment by Rob

And be careful Skid [ie: Todd] … you might get me looking into your family tree and finding out you’re more British than me!!

Comment by Rob

i’m in new zealand and contemplating defecting – just to even up the numbers… they have a proper political system here and proper snow on real glaciers too!

Comment by lauren

And the Flight Of the Concords is funnier than Kath & Kim [excluding the 1st series] so all in all, the Kiwi’s are better/nicer than Aussies.

Anyone feel they want to add to this thread? Ha.

Oh and Lauren, Jonathan is ‘talking to someone’. Don’t know who or what this means, but hope to have some news for you very soon.

Comment by Rob

thanks rob, you’re awesome. and right about flight of the conchords – although hardly a fair comparison, really.

Comment by lauren

OK, to even it up – how about the fact the Kiwi’s have the ugliest prime minister in the World while you lot have the ‘most like a chipmunk’?


Hell, I’d rather have a chipmunk than teflon Johnnie – the smuggest bastard alive. Till he lost. Hahahaha.HAhaHahAha.HahAHaha!

Comment by Rob

yeah, but at least our prime minister can tell the chinese prime minister to get fucked in his own language πŸ™‚ you gotta admit, that’s cooler than helen clarke at the rugby!

Comment by lauren

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