The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

The Meaning Of Life …
July 23, 2008, 3:45 am
Filed under: Crap Products In History


Who comes up with this shit?

Look, I like gardens as much as the next OAP, but to suggest I haven’t lived unless I’ve visited/seen 1001 of the bastards is pushing it a bit far.

No bloody wonder the book is on ‘sale’ – I mean, the only people who could [1] spare the time and [2] give a damn, are so bloody old that they’ll be pushing up daisies before they even reach triple figures of the suggested garden safari.

What next?

1001 Socks You Must Wear Before You Die?
1001 Coffins To Try Before You Buy [Which Hopefully Is Before You Die?]
1001 Prostitutes To Get STD’s From Before You Die?

The only reason to buy this book is if a garden-loving enemy of yours is on their death bed – because as you hand it over, you know their last living thought will be …

“Bollocks, my life has been wasted because I’ve not seen 1001 beautiful gardens”.

If someone buys you this book, smash them over the head with it because they hate you. HATE YOU!

If the publishers really wanted this book to stand a chance at flying off the shelves, they should of done a maximum of 100 Gardens, not a thousand.

A hundred is still be a lot, but in the weird minds of the green-fingered community, it probably represents a number that can be more realistically achieved – though if I was the publisher, I’d of also created the ‘Bloomin’ Beautiful Garden Holiday Tour’ and get garden fanatics to pay to be taken to maybe 10 of the gardens over a 3 week period.

Not only would this let them see the gardening majesty in the flesh [so to speak], they’d also get to share their holiday with a bunch of like-minded individuals – swapping tips, making friends and getting inspired for when they get home.

Well, that’s what I’d do anyway – especially because the book would then become more than just a reference guide, it would represent important and personal memories.

38 Comments so far
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If only you applied that prinicple to this blog.

Comment by John

gardens sounds good. probably a flippy book. but nonetheless one of those books you might find below the magazine rack while in the toilet at the age of 6, inspiring you forever to become… a garden man.

i think the problem thereΒ΄s just the MUST. chill out. take it one shit at a time.

Comment by facu

where the fuck do you find the time to write this shit? judging by the quality, you probably do it while having a piss but youre supposed to be up to your tits in work so youre either the most effective fuck the world has ever known or delegating everything again. i think we both know the answer.

tragically i like the garden tour idea but i really think you have better and more important things to do and ill remind you what they are on friday, unless george snaps and kills you for fucking about and buries you in one of those fancy fucking gardens or something.

work really is a 4 letter word for you isnt it campbell?

Comment by andy@cynic

You realize there is a whole tourism industry based on gardens. My Grandma and my Aunt would LOVE this book. There are also big networks of private gardens that are opened up for tours to other enthusiasts. Even my cousin (my age) went into Landscape design. I’m the only one who turned their back on nature for the lure of the city and the growth of brands vs petunias. Mmmm the smell of a tech brand fluttering in the sun on a spring morning.

Comment by Emily

and im impressed facu had a fucking magazine rack in the bog when he was a kid.

the only reason wed have books in our shitter was if we ran out of fucking toilet paper. how the other half live πŸ™‚

Comment by andy@cynic

dont encourage him emily, hes got enough to do and now the fucker will be starting “campbell garden holidays” then contacting your gran and aunt with a special “introductory offer” πŸ™‚

Comment by andy@cynic

would i be undermining the incredulous tone of your post if i mentioned you bought a fucking cynic allotment space 4 years ago? youve been 70 years old since you were fucking born.

enough of this shit, im going to drink

Comment by andy@cynic

Are you all bored? Well I know Andy is – but the rest of you?

Hi Emily, how is it all going? I do know about green-fingered tourism but I was always of the belief it was more of a cottage industry than something more formal.

My Mum would love this book as well – my comment was just that at 1001 gardens, it might seem quite daunting for the person who actually wants to visit the places for real.

Of course I doubt anyone really would want to do that [except the sort of anorak who no one likes to sit next to on the bus] which makes this post completely pointless – but then most of my posts are rubbish so why break the habit of a lifetime.

Still think the publishers are missing a trick by not organising a proper, formal garden tour though.

And yes Andy, I did get the company an allotment space – and if it wasn’t for George’s kids, it’d resemble the bloody Amazon rainforest as no one has ever bloody gone to visit it, let alone grow the odd tomato πŸ™‚

Comment by Rob

Andy, these are up there as the funniest comments you’ve made on this blog yet! PURE GOLD VENOM!!!

Yet I do understand your book rage Rob. And I quite like how you actually went the next step and suggested a better alternative to how the publisher could have done this better. It’s easy to rubbish something but thinking about how to improve it is the hard part. Nicely played.

Comment by Age

for anyone who wishes to send me a birthday gift, i’d like rob campbell’s 1001 Coffins To Try Before You Buy. i already have a limited-edition, double-chamber coffin and feel like there’s a whole world of coffin culture that i’m missing out on.

Comment by lauren

How silly I was to think Google may tame your cynic streak πŸ™‚

I really like the garden tourism idea and it would be easier to organize than you think. It’s these sorts of concepts that can make a real difference to how a brand is perceived and it can have a real impact on a companies profitability as well. The disappointing part is too many organizations would see this kind of idea as being outside the realms of their core business, but it’s actually a natural extension to the leisure creation business they are already operating in.

If you seriously are interested in offering this idea to the publishers, I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is.

See you Saturday.

Comment by Pete

rob – i read this bit of news today and unsurprisingly thought of you. expect a garden gnome in the mail soon. πŸ™‚

Comment by lauren

I lose count after any number over 10 so its all a load of nonsense. Workload lightening up is it?

Comment by Charles Frith

You’re not on gardening leave are you? πŸ˜‰

Comment by Charles Frith

Could you keep it down please? I have a hangover.


Comment by Marcus

Shows how well Campbell is informed, std and prostitutes??

if the pootie thang ain’t clean, they gets no green, every kid knows that.

So if you wanna be facilitating the supply of organs for money, best know the basics..

Comment by Iceberg Slim

Come on Rob, when will this blog be coming back full time? You can’t help yourself so bite the bullet and just get on with it.

Comment by Bazza

Bazza is right. And I know you’re itching to come back so just do it.

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

Just when I thought this blog couldn’t go any lower, there’s a post about gardening. You were made for Frisco πŸ™‚

Comment by Billy Whizz

What the Whizz boy said. A new low has been reached on this blog, the only advantage of which is that it’s so low that even Bazza can now see it.

Comment by Marcus

i feel i should protect bazzas honour after that comment but it was fucking excellent plus the little shit is sitting pretty in his fucking gold plated ivory i-tower so bollocks to the micro midget, he owes it all to me anyway πŸ™‚

insightful comment there billy, are you ill?

Comment by andy@cynic

so much for the new optimisitic opi…

Comment by lauren

i guess youre going to make me pay for fridays lunch now arent you bazza? what if i dont bring billy, will you pay then?

you rich people make me sick, always feeding off the poor and defenceless

Comment by andy@cynic

im off to see campbell today, does anyone want me to pass on any messages other than his blog is shit and hes a lazy fuck?

Comment by andy@cynic

could you let him know that the australian federal police want to chat to him. something about organising sex tourism under the guise of gardening trips…

Comment by lauren

I’m very optimistic Lauren, but that doesn’t mean I’ve turned off my brain.

Comment by Marcus

I concur with Lauren..those swapping tips for likeminded people who garden in the flesh sounds dodgy…even for me

Comment by sigmund

doddsy, erm, sigmund, don’t lie, you’re the tour guide.

marcus – you’re absolutely right. nor your wit. as you were.

Comment by lauren

Lauren, we got ourselves a mystery…I am not John dodds…who am I

Comment by sigmund

Bloody Campbell, that’s who you are.

Comment by Marcus

sorry marcus, you get one more guess..

Comment by sigmund

Excuse me Lauren, but any “sex pest” reference has to assigned to Mr Dodds.

Sorry, but it’s a contractual obligation – you don’t work that hard to then allow it to be flippantly awarded to someone else.

On behalf of Lauren, I hope this issue hasn’t caused you any undue distress Mr D.

Comment by Rob

yet I am not him and I am not you.. you could cheat and find out, but that would take the fun out of the game for the rest of the guys..

Comment by sigmund

I’m too busy being accused of being a scientologist to worry about the sigmund’s of this world aspiring to my stature.

Comment by John

scientologist? you get all the fucking compliments dont you dodds?

Comment by andy@cynic

I’ve got an ology!

Comment by Charles Frith

After your fun and games, I’ve decided to invite my whole family for Friday lunch Andy, I’m sure you won’t mind, not if you want to keep my business πŸ™‚

Comment by Bazza

i’m confused, rob. i are suggesting that i’ve offended doddsy by suggesting that he was a sex pest, or that he wasn’t?

and sigmund, to be honest i dont’ give a fuck who you are. all i know is that i’m fucking livid and have made a complete fucking twat of myself twice this hour alone. analyse that.

Comment by lauren

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