The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Biting The Hand That Feeds Me …

So I’ve been in Cannes now 2 days … and after the initial happiness of basically being in a beautiful seaside town with nice weather, great food and astoundingly beautiful people to look at – I’m now angry.

No … this is not because we’ve not been given awards for things we thought we deserved [though I can’t say the same for Andy, ha] … nor is it because everything around here costs a fucking fortune … nor is it because I’ve now the brightest sunburnt head this side of Skeggy … it’s because I’ve been reminded how much I fucking loathe 95% of the fucking advertising industry.

Don’t get me wrong … I actually really love advertising [well, my version of advertising] … but the majority of the people within it?  Give me a gun and I’ll happily pull the trigger.

It started off when I casually picked up Industry Bible “Campaign” and read page after page of arrogant, upper-class tripe from a bunch of smug-looking cocks who have about as much to do with the ‘realities of life’ as the Queen.

While I am sure most of the fuckers come from the sorts of places that would make Nottingham look like the global city of culture – their attitude, language and posture make them sound like the sort of individuals who would have been first killed in the French Revolution.

I am sure Matt Dyke at DDB [UK] is a lovely bloke, but when you read things like …

“Definitely take beach wear, otherwise you’ll end up splashing 200 [euros] in Hermes” you just end up wanting to lamp the fucker.

For Matt’s sake I hope he doesn’t work on any brand like Macca’s or Cornflakes because in that one sentence, he has just lost all cred in ‘knowing how consumers think’, hahaha!

And he is not alone … a whole host of advertising upper-class yobs talk passionately and positively about what amounts to the vulgar spending of money and it’s all very, very sickening.

No doubt these people think Gordon Gekko from the movie Wall Street is a God and that the 80’s were the single greatest times in advertising! Tossers.

Now I don’t want to sound a crushing bore, but this sort of attitude and behaviour does the industry no good at all.

Sure we should be able to celebrate the power and magic of great advertising … sure we should be able to let our hair down and have a good time … but for it to last a week … in Cannes … right after the Film Festival? 

I tell you, if we asked Freud what he thought it all meant, I am sure he would say it was representative of advertising’s desperate bid to feel superior and important within the social hierarchy … or in short … there’s a bunch of delusional fuckers in adland.

Infact, had I not had the wonderful pleasure of drinking a coffee with my East Midlands chum, Russell, who knows what I may of ended up doing? 

Given all my normal ‘calming influences’ had deserted me [George was in detox … Pete was in shame … DD was in a stupor … Trev was being romantic [with his wife I should add] … Kathryn was at dinner … and everyone else who usually keeps me ‘grounded’ was at home] there’s a good chance I could be writing this post from a French police cell, just like the last time I came to this country. [Long story, better kept to myself!]

Russell, my Mum thanks you for subconsciously keeping me on the safe[ish] and narrow … and on a personal note, I hope next time we can have a longer chat about ‘stuff’ because that’s when life is the most interesting. At least for me, ha!

Cannes is a lovely place … and I do appreciate how privileged I am for being here when so many people are stuck behind desks in Luton … however if it means I have to mingle with the sort of folk that turns this place into a ‘Club 18-90 for the Delusional’, [though I should point out NOT everyone is like this here, just alot of them] then all things considered, next year I’d rather stay at home.

2 more days to go.

Will I survive?  Or probably more appropriate, will the ad industry survive?

PS: Pete is genuinely mortified about his ‘Majestic’ comment yesterday.  We bought him a little toy crown to wear last night to signify his pompousness – which is really unfair as …

1 he’s not like that at all

2 the only ‘grandiose thing’ about the Majestic is it’s name

3 we ate sausages there – about the most un-Cannes thing you could ever do, ha!

PPS: There is not a Starbucks to be seen ANYWHERE in Cannes.  It’s wonderful. 

Sure there’s a Macca’s, but there’s only one and it’s minute … but you get the impression Starbucks was scared/chased out of town so that the small, local cafe businesses which are dotted down every street, could prosper.

This immediately gives Cannes a more intimate feeling … something that is both novel and inviting. Other councils should take note!

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