The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Biting The Hand That Feeds Me …
June 21, 2007, 3:09 pm
Filed under: Comment

Number Two

So I’ve been in Cannes now 2 days … and after the initial happiness of basically being in a beautiful seaside town with nice weather, great food and astoundingly beautiful people to look at – I’m now angry.

No … this is not because we’ve not been given awards for things we thought we deserved [though I can’t say the same for Andy, ha] … nor is it because everything around here costs a fucking fortune … nor is it because I’ve now the brightest sunburnt head this side of Skeggy … it’s because I’ve been reminded how much I fucking loathe 95% of the fucking advertising industry.

Don’t get me wrong … I actually really love advertising [well, my version of advertising] … but the majority of the people within it?  Give me a gun and I’ll happily pull the trigger.

It started off when I casually picked up Industry Bible “Campaign” and read page after page of arrogant, upper-class tripe from a bunch of smug-looking cocks who have about as much to do with the ‘realities of life’ as the Queen.

14th July - Bastille Day, France

While I am sure most of the fuckers come from the sorts of places that would make Nottingham look like the global city of culture – their attitude, language and posture make them sound like the sort of individuals who would have been first killed in the French Revolution.

I am sure Matt Dyke at DDB [UK] is a lovely bloke, but when you read things like …

“Definitely take beach wear, otherwise you’ll end up splashing 200 [euros] in Hermes” you just end up wanting to lamp the fucker.

For Matt’s sake I hope he doesn’t work on any brand like Macca’s or Cornflakes because in that one sentence, he has just lost all cred in ‘knowing how consumers think’, hahaha!

And he is not alone … a whole host of advertising upper-class yobs talk passionately and positively about what amounts to the vulgar spending of money and it’s all very, very sickening.

No doubt these people think Gordon Gekko from the movie Wall Street is a God and that the 80’s were the single greatest times in advertising! Tossers.

Now I don’t want to sound a crushing bore, but this sort of attitude and behaviour does the industry no good at all.

Sure we should be able to celebrate the power and magic of great advertising … sure we should be able to let our hair down and have a good time … but for it to last a week … in Cannes … right after the Film Festival? 

I tell you, if we asked Freud what he thought it all meant, I am sure he would say it was representative of advertising’s desperate bid to feel superior and important within the social hierarchy … or in short … there’s a bunch of delusional fuckers in adland.

Infact, had I not had the wonderful pleasure of drinking a coffee with my East Midlands chum, Russell, who knows what I may of ended up doing? 

May 1st.

Given all my normal ‘calming influences’ had deserted me [George was in detox … Pete was in shame … DD was in a stupor … Trev was being romantic [with his wife I should add] … Kathryn was at dinner … and everyone else who usually keeps me ‘grounded’ was at home] there’s a good chance I could be writing this post from a French police cell, just like the last time I came to this country. [Long story, better kept to myself!]

Russell, my Mum thanks you for subconsciously keeping me on the safe[ish] and narrow … and on a personal note, I hope next time we can have a longer chat about ‘stuff’ because that’s when life is the most interesting. At least for me, ha!

Cannes is a lovely place … and I do appreciate how privileged I am for being here when so many people are stuck behind desks in Luton … however if it means I have to mingle with the sort of folk that turns this place into a ‘Club 18-90 for the Delusional’, [though I should point out NOT everyone is like this here, just alot of them] then all things considered, next year I’d rather stay at home.

2 more days to go.

Will I survive?  Or probably more appropriate, will the ad industry survive?

PS: Pete is genuinely mortified about his ‘Majestic’ comment yesterday.  We bought him a little toy crown to wear last night to signify his pompousness – which is really unfair as …

1 he’s not like that at all

2 the only ‘grandiose thing’ about the Majestic is it’s name

3 we ate sausages there – about the most un-Cannes thing you could ever do, ha!

PPS: There is not a Starbucks to be seen ANYWHERE in Cannes.  It’s wonderful. 

Sure there’s a Macca’s, but there’s only one and it’s minute … but you get the impression Starbucks was scared/chased out of town so that the small, local cafe businesses which are dotted down every street, could prosper.

This immediately gives Cannes a more intimate feeling … something that is both novel and inviting. Other councils should take note!

22 Comments so far
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Should I say sorry to Pete? You know I only say sorry once a day. It sounds like HELL down there, really horrible – and I don’t want to, you know, make it worse for him.

Although, I must admit, I’m having trouble getting up a decent level of guilt to actually apologise. He did, afetr all, get a nice crown.

Please advise.

Comment by Marcus

Given the poor sod is one of adlands truly wonderful and nice guys … made an innocent mistake [afterall he was just telling George where to go] ANNNNNNNNND has been forced to wear a crappy plastic and paper crown all evening, I think you should use your daily apology on him – he deserves it, especially as he came out with this classic …

“If Osama planted a bomb here tonight, he would go from the zero of the World to the hero”

And what’s sad is that he’s probably right, haha!

Comment by Rob

Pete – I’m sorry.

Comment by Marcus

but youd still rather be there than slaving away in the office wouldnt you, you hypocritical shits. actually the fucking scary thing is you probably wouldnt. what the fuck am i doing with you guys and george, i have the name of a great divorce lawyer because it sounds like youre going to need it. 🙂

Comment by andy@cynic

Kick a man when he’s down eh Andy!

Funnily enough, that explains why I like you though, hahaha!

Comment by Rob

the feeling is entirely not mutual.

Comment by andy@cynic

I suppose Pete can be forgiven, was it a BK crown though?!!

Ive been to Cannes, (not the festival) its a nice place but it really suffers from the feeling that its up its own arse. And thats without adland there!

Id nod in agreement about how much of adland is made up of wankers, but I need a job, and frankly there are bugger all planning jobs about without slagging off half my potential employers…

Besides, isnt the idea that we can help make things better? If these people are sliding away from public perception, its our job to nudge them back for the good of both people and the industry..???

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Rob M – am I right in thinking you’d like Rob to get a big stick poke adland’s finest with?


Comment by Will

Rob, if you spot a group of truly miserable people who:

1. Are shaking their heads
2. Crying in their vodka tonics
3. Saying something like “there’s always next year”
4. Kicking the shit out of each other

that will be the representatives of the German advertising industry. Go easy on them, they’re having a really hard time dealing with the fact that they are shite and nobody loves them

(except for Seb – he won a bronze don’t you know).

Comment by Marcus

Pretty much Will! Especially the ones who didnt employ me 😉

Well done Seb!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Thanks Marcus for your apology and I am deeply sorry I sounded a pretentious tit. No, it wasn’t a BK crown, that at least would look slightly regal, this made Christmas cracker hats look expensive and they made me wear it all through dinner. And Rob Mortimer, not all people in advertising are wankers, even Rob would agree, there’s just a lot more of them around than say teaching because they stupidly think doing a 30 second ad puts them in the film industry where wankdom is the norm.

Comment by Pete

I didnt know they made cheaper hats than cracker hats!

Pete – Yeah. I’ve certainly met plenty of decent ad people; it just seems to be a shame that the wankers are the ones who seem to produce so many of the ads we see everyday. They all think they can become Ridley Scott and move from Hovis to Aliens…but without the talent!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

I know this will sound like I am trying desperately to make ammends for my behaviour yesterday, but well done Seb on the award great news and I’d love to see the work it was for.

Comment by Pete

I wouldnt worry Pete, if Marcus can forgive you then im sure everyone else already has!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Nice one Seb. Good for you mate.

Comment by Will

Marcus if you think the German ad industry is bad, I’d love anyone there to try and get a photo with an Aussie! And no, I don’t mean those Multi-National Creative Director absolute fucking tools from Campaign Brief that go just for the sake of “being there” when in reality, no ad spewing from the doors of their shitty St Kilda Rd high rise is ever going to make it to Cannes let alone win anything. The Aussie industry is so void of truly creative work it’s a joke, and those over paid big wigs use all their power sitting in their massive companies crushing all the little guys who ironically, are producing the best work we see. Sad.

Ok, obviously I need to go to bed now. Have… errrr fun Rob!

Comment by Age

Marcus, you’re a very mean old man. Though I must say it’s a embarassing and depressive watching a) an “I love being in Cannes wearing two colourful scarves and my arty-farty-glasses while shooting for German creativity-TV”-ponce and b) Jean-Remy von Matt stumbling through a primary school text at outdoor lions press conference ( ). Anyway thanks for the nice words. Would have loved to pick up the thing by myself only to meet Rob and seeing George passing out with a crown on his head.

Comment by Seb

Hey Seb, just to clarify, Pete wore the crown whereas George did the passing out. Hope that makes it all clear now. 🙂

Comment by Rob

yay for campbell’s flavoured vitriol! i’ve not been to cannes (for film wank fest, ad wank fest or otherwise) but i’m getting a craving to go next year – if only to cause a bit of public mischief.

pete – well done to actually wear the crown with (i’m assuming) fairly good humour. congrats seb.

Comment by lauren

Hello Lauren, if you can call wearing a hat because you’d been threatened with violence, good natured, then I suppose it was.

Comment by Pete

How good it is to read an angry Campbell rant just after lunch.

I wonder if your sunburn is worse than the one I got whilst sleeping in my hotel room at the Holiday Inn in Shanghai. At least yours is natural.

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

Has the head blistered yet?

Comment by NP

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