The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

How Not To Sell …
May 29, 2007, 3:45 pm
Filed under: Comment

I got this email today from a research company who want me to buy ‘something’ from them.

Just a quick note to let you know about XXX – a core technology and digital marketing services firm located in Belfast and Toronto.

XXX technology and services, enable clients and business partners to engage and monetize their most important user communities (24×7) via integrated, 2-way, multi-channel messaging across mobile phones, instant messaging, email, web and RSS – in a way that unifies, promotes and measures modern electronic “engagement marketing” activities.

Our company (and patent-pending technology) is rooted in research conducted in the field of biology and exploration into the ways animals communicate / collaborate to produce positive outcomes in nature (specifically: ants, bees, geese and dolphins – and their use of “short messaging”)

I’ve read, re-read and re-re-read it and I’m still not sure what they do.

I thought I had it then they threw me with the bees, ants, geese and bloody dolphins! 

How the fuck can a dolphin communicate via SMS. Do mobiles even work underwater??

The only thing I can get out of this email is that interms of Bullshit Bingo, they are the undisputed champs!

Another perfect example of a company forgetting the secret to success is making people want to buy rather than trying to sell.

16 Comments so far
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Ah, it sounds interesting to me. Especially since I learnt that ants will select the best fit ant to bridge a hole, and walk over him.

Sounds like an early morning commute to me.


Comment by Will

99% of Business to Business contacts I see are PURE bullshit. Its like many businesses seem to think that other businesses only appreciate selling on an absolute blatant hard-sell level.

And believe me, I have plenty of experience of listening/reading that bollocks.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Your business communication analysis fully proves the point our result-driven think tank (a group of managers we want to think outside the box in oder to get value-adding content to be a consumer related business) elaborated with during brainstorming session. Blah.

Comment by Seb

I once had a client ask me how I would change their communication tone to suit their business clients.

I pointed out that people who work in companies are actually human beings too – so don’t actually need communication that features people wearing suits, talking wine, playing golf, owning aspirational materialism or talking in corporate cliche language.

Infact, if truth be told, they are more likely to respond to an ad in a business media channel that DOESN’T DO THIS because they will appreciate being treated like a human being rather than patronised with ‘aspirational corporate advertising’ PLUS it will stand out from every other ad that follows this ‘unwritten code’ for dealing with ‘corporate clients’.

That may of worked in the 50’s but not now … which is why Apple dont’ treat their commercial/corporate clients any differently and have a brand that is aspirational to all people, not a particular fucking market segment.

Oooooooh this sort of thing makes me mad!

Comment by Robert

Sounds a bit like one of my former clients.
“The product shoot needs to have appetite appeal, generate covetuosness and focus on our competitive selling proposition taking into account the aspects of a relaunch.”
The word you are looking for is “tasty”. It needs to be “tasty”.

Comment by Seb

“truth be told”…reminds me of that McCann slogan…what was it?
truth well told?

Comment by Seb

A perfect example is investment ads. They always look and sounds ifuckingdentical (not a new apple priduct..).

Jeez. Business people are just like normal people but much harder worked. The LAST thing they want is to use a dictionary to translate your shitty cold-call email for a service they dont need.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Like the optical specialist who ensures the maximum efficiency of light can be administered to environments so that work efficiency is at all time highs?

Better known as window cleaners.

Comment by Rob


Seen worse than that though!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

I wish the client I am doing some work for at the moment would understand that corporate clients are also humans. Maybe I should quote Rob M and say “the LAST thing they want is to use a dictionary to translate your shitty website”.

Comment by Jade

Feel free to do so.
Anything to help stop the tide of bullshit.

I write for over 15,000 small business people and they always go for the simply written, easy to digest things.

Make it simple and they spend more time thinking about whether they need your product instead of do they understand your wording.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Oi Mr M … write about that issue on your blog, people need to know this shit and yet they still think using big words makes them seem clever!

Comment by Rob

I shall do so!
It might help facilitate their *THWACK*…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

In my experience, the longer words people use, the less they know what they’re talking about.
I get sick of research people selling me a process to get out telling what they actually do.
I must have suffered at least 500 PC world ads and I still don’t know the difference between dual core, pentium processor,AMD Athlon or any of the bollocks they go on about.

Comment by NP

Even if you could understand it probably wouldnt be true!

One ad said that dual core processors give you quicker internet, which is complete bollocks unless you count the fraction of a second quicker that Firefox will load…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

That “bullshit” game is great!

Comment by Age

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