The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Spotting A Wanker Has Never Been Easier …
July 16, 2013, 6:10 am
Filed under: Comment

I travel a lot and because of that, I am one of those weird people that has invested in good quality luggage.

No, not that ‘POLO’ brand you get in knock-off markets.

You know the sort, they’re designed to look sophisticated but actually ends up making you look like a total cheap bastard.

Nor have I bought some LV type bollocks … designed to make you look rich and sophisticated but actually ends up making you look like you’re unbelievably gullible, a total label whore and distinctly muggable.

No, I’ve bought some bog-standard, matching Samsonite stuff.

In black.

Designed to hold my clothes [army shirts, shitty jeans and birkenstocks] … put up with the bullshit care and attention you get from Airport bag handlers around the World … and to stay closed and locked so that it doesn’t fling open on the luggage carousel and reveal my Asda pants to all and sundry.

In all honesty, having a good set of luggage feels way better than you’d imagine.

For a start, the wheels don’t act like a supermarket trolley and there’s a sense of assurance when you close it, that it will stay that way until you get to your destination.

I never thought I’d give a shit about a suitcase, but I do … but let’s face it, that’s only because I use the bloody things so much I could justify the cost, because otherwise I’d of blown the dosh on some technology rubbish.

Now I know that Samsonite had an award winning ad recently, but I didn’t buy it because of that.

Apart from the fact I got my luggage waaaaaaaaay before that ad came out, the fact is I’m not so fucking insecure that I need my suitcase to convey the level of status I think I have. Or should I say, want to appear I have.

Now I know I am hardly the blueprint for ‘average consumer’ [Average, maybe. Consumer, probably not] but I saw an ad recently that smacked of a client and agency that just doesn’t understand their audience in any shape or form.

This is it …


Are they seriously trying to say that this is the luggage of Rock Stars and VIPS’s

Do they really think this makes them look cool and desirable?

Are they really that fucking deluded?

And why does it look like he’s wearing too-big-for-his-feet ‘pixie’ shoes?

Let me give the people behind this bollocks some advice …

1. Your ad makes the luggage look like it is the bag of choice for assistants and roadies, not Rock Stars or VIP’s.

2. It looks more like a poster for a bad Jean Claude van Damme movie than an ad that is designed to entice the public.

3. We are no longer living in the 80’s. Or 90’s.

4. People who travel a lot [for business] care more about function than style.

5. People who travel a lot [for pleasure] have so much cash that they don’t need a bag to show they’re wealthy … they come in on their own bloody plane.

6. Only people who are try-hards would want a bag that makes them feel like they are successful and travel a lot.

I cannot tell you how much I hate this ad.


It’s everything wrong with advertising.

It’s not even effective in making people think they would look successful if they were seen with it.

It’s more likely to attract pity than glances of envy.

Which I suppose is one thing we should be grateful to Halliburton for … because in one execution, they’ve ensured that women who travel alone do all they can to avoid any man they see walking up and down the check-in area with their Halliburton bag.

45 Comments so far
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The angry man is back. In your defence, that ad deserves it.

Comment by George

slightly angry man. hes still a fucking softy to the old days. when i semi liked him.

Comment by andy@cynic

Wasn’t the Samsonite ad a scam ad?

Comment by George

who the fuck cares?

Comment by andy@cynic

Oh it definitely ran George. Sure, it wasn’t exactly an international – or even national – campaign, but it definitely ran.

Coincidently, just at the right time to qualify for the award season. Funny that.

Ooooh, I’m such a bitch.

Comment by Rob

bet youre fucking gutted samsonite doesnt come in campbell camouflage. loser.

Comment by andy@cynic

Even I wouldn’t stoop that low. Actually I probably would. Damn.

Comment by Rob

maybe the pricks massive pixie shoes is a subliminal attempt to say men who buy halliburton bags have massive, misshapen cocks? though im betting its like cocks who own ferraris and they really have pricks like a drawing pin.

by that reckoning, whats your best mate with the donkey cock drive? a scooter?

Comment by andy@cynic

probably needs an 18 wheeler just to carry the fucking thing around.

Comment by andy@cynic


Comment by DH

He does have a 4×4. But then so do you.

Comment by Rob

I think I have just inadvertently complimented you. I obviously didn’t mean that.

Comment by Rob

the only reason ive commented so much is because im at home waiting for a fucking repair man to make excuses for not turning up. im no fucking sad bastard loser who uses this blog as his social club. oh fucking no.

Comment by andy@cynic

This blog becomes readable when you’re here Andy. Please come back. When you’re not here they talk about planning and shit.

Comment by Billy Whizz

He’s a dad now Billy, he has other things that undermine his time and patience.

Comment by Rob


Comment by Jennie Crosby Denny

Are you a mental?

Comment by DH

Jenny all you need to do is not read the blog and not comment. It’s not that difficult really it’s not

Comment by Northern

Lets face it I considered it when he made me look like Freddie mercury
It’s ok now he likes the smiths

Comment by Northern



Jeez, talk about reframing the situation. What are you, a planner?

Comment by Rob

Are you sure you’re not confusing “repair man” with wives” Andy?

Comment by Bazza

That was funnier in my head. Now it just looks mean spirited. I didn’t intend that. Sorry Andy.

Comment by Bazza

You bastard Baz. Cold hearted bastard.

Comment by DH

That’s what they said about iOS7.

Comment by John

dont worry baz, i never paid any fucking attention to anything you said anyway. give me a new apple everything and well call it quits.

Comment by andy@cynic

nice slamdown doddsy. youve been practicing while ive been having a life.

Comment by andy@cynic

What’s a life?

Comment by John

About $100 an hour apparently John.

Comment by Rob

Criticising footwear. Interesting stance. Can only assume your bag-carriers have never dropped a Samsonite on your foot.

Comment by John

I’m guessing it was an all male team who did that ad. Either 18 years of age or 50. Neither are getting laid a lot. Billy? Was this you?

Comment by DH

Fuck. You.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Snappy come back Billy.

Comment by Rob

When I saw the title of this post I thought it was about planning departments.

Comment by Billy Whizz

I was shocked how many comments were on here, then I saw Andy had been on stirring up trouble and it all made sense. Welcome back Andy.

That ad is horrible. Not just for the reasons you’ve stated, but because for the people who already own Halliburton luggage, they now look like wannabe’s which is a sure fire way to ensure they won’t be buying the brand again in a hurry.

The only thing in their favor is that there is only so much luggage you can buy in your lifetime so the loss of business from existing customers is possibly minimal.

Comment by Pete

Maybe that was the strat Pete …

People tend to buy one set of [good] luggage and so if you already own one of their pieces, there’s no point wasting your marketing dollars trying to get them to buy again.

I don’t know if I agree or accept it – or, let’s be honest, if that’s what they did, but it still doesn’t excuse that rubbish ever seeing the light of day.

Comment by Rob

I wondered if that was the Halliburton and turned up this which seems to me to be full of better avenues to pursue starting with oil-field durability.

Comment by John

If Rob worked with them, he’d push them to build the halliburton zero car.

Comment by DH

On a related issue, I’ve always been curious to know why luggage makers (including Samsonite) think that an airport departure area (airside especially) is a good place to put a retail store? There’s usually three or four at every major airport.

Surely no-one needs to buy another bag when they’ve already packed and checked in, or they’ve got their hands full with the carry-on?

Does anyone has a half plausible explanation for this? Has anyone ever bought new luggage at the airport?

Comment by Ian Gee

Maybe they classify it as marketing expenditure – so rather than be there to sell the stuff, it’s to connect themselves to travellers at key places in their journey. There’s definitely better ways to do it – but they may argue it still works out cheaper than a traditional ad campaign.

Now explain why Tie Rack are always at airports. I know ties might be more readily bought than a suitcase, but seriously …

And don’t say it could be a last minute gift because nothing says “I hate you” more than a bland tie from a shop at an airport.

Comment by Rob

A Salvatore Ferragamo one, make no mistake.

I think it’s aimed at women. You never know when you need an extra, empty suitcase to bring back lots of stuff from your trip.

Comment by Andreea

For your duty free Gitane Ian.

Comment by Ian Sawers

Well if that’s the case … (pun intended)

Comment by Ian Gee

Must get one of those super cases for Korea
If they let me in after the judging I’m doing Freddie and I are going a bit Simon Cowell

Comment by Northern

Well they’re letting me in and I only gave 4 things over a ‘3’ so maybe they’re associating ‘bald’ with ‘bastards’.

Comment by Rob

That’s a gang bang I never want on youporn.

Comment by Billy Whizz

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