I’ve written a lot about my hatred of pushchair companies.
How they try and sell their seat-on-wheels as a fashion item or a bloody 4×4 vehicle.
But now iCandy – one of the worst offenders – have decided to fuck me over by releasing this:
I know my hatred is bordering on irrational but I hate this so much.
I hate the name.
MiChair. MICHAIR.
Apart from it being utter bollocks, why can’t they spell it properly.
Oh I know why, because by making the ‘i’ in MiCHAIR lowercase, they think it makes it sound like it’s some kind of next-gen product when all it is, IS A FUCKING HIGHCHAIR FOR A BABY.
Then I hate the Dad in the photo.
Look at him …
They might think he looks young, relaxed and good looking – the sort that holds down an uber-successful job in the city – but I just think he’s a smug fuck who is sleeping with his secretary. Probably in the marital bed when his wife is out at her sisters.
And don’t get me started on that kitchen.
Oh you just know the client demanded it to look clean and contemporary because that reflects ‘the brands values and aesthetic’ or some other contrived marketing buzzword bullshit.
And the irony is, by doing that, it highlights how much bollocks this all is because anyone with a kid will tell you that regardless how immaculate a place may be when you start to feed your child, the moment you try and put food in their mouth, the entire room will resemble a war zone within 3 seconds flat.
But I can even overlook all that compared to the worst bit … the line.
LIVE EVERY MOMENT. LOVE EVERY STEP.
What the fuck?
Seriously, what the fuck?
Love every moment of what? Feeding your kid?
Are you insane?
Unless that chair can strap a kid in like their Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs, you’ll never live every moment … you’ll be too busy trying to avoid it.
And then there’s that LOVE EVERY STEP.
Maybe they mean it in terms of how the chair adapts to the different life stages of the kid, but even if it does [which I totally made up, by the way] IT’S A CHAIR … IT CAN’T GO ANYWHERE SO WHY ARE YOU USING WORDS LIKE STEPS???
OK … OK … I need to take a deep, deep breath but I hate how these companies try to exploit the love we have for our kids by making us feel that we are not treating them well unless we put them in some pretend designer bollocks.
To be quite honest, that strategy – while sadly effective – is utterly evil because what they’re saying is it’s the stuff you put around your baby that is more important than the way you actually treat them.
Bastards.
I would absolutely love to know how many of the people behind this are parents.
Then I’d love to know how many have called their kids Tarquin or Apple-Baby-Boo.
I don’t know why knowing their kids name would be important, but I’d just like to know.
Because I’m angry. And irrational. And just really, really fed up of how these companies are turning kids into a fucking accessory for certain parents to show off how fucking rich and stylish they are.
Though I admit, if Birkenstock did a high chair, I’d be there with fucking bells on.
ARGHHHHHHHH!
[I’ll be better by tomorrow. Promise. Well, semi-promise]