For reasons I don’t even want to go into, I have written up a test that appeared on Oprah “God Complex” Winfrey’s show a while back.
It was performed by that [allegedly] sick, sexist quack – Dr. Phil – which automatically means it was designed to be [1] complete and utter bollocks and [2] appealing to bored, middle American married women who have nothing going on in their lives other than to sing along to Gloria Gaynor songs.
Apparently Dr. Phil scored 55 [quelle fucking surprise!] and the yo-yo dieter got 38 … I, on the other hand, got 41, which both scares the living bejesus out of me because it probably means I’m a fucking egomaniac cockhead [no comments please] as well as pleases me because it means I’m ‘3 better’ than that bloody woman off the telly.
Hang on, according to the ‘score chart’, it says I’m “sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head” … which means I’ve already proved this test is a load of bollocks.
Anyway, there are 10 questions, so find out if you’re a social leper, a social climber or a social psychopath but remember that:
1. Evaluating your own behaviour is like asking a criminal to decide whether he’s guilty or innocent.
2. If you are general enough – yet use highly descriptive language – you can make anything seem relevant. [Classic manipulative/amateur planner ploy]
3. If you believe these sorts of tests it highlights you’re the sort of planner who looks for convenient “answers”, rather than doing any real fucking legwork to find out what’s really going in people’s lives and minds in the real World.
4. If you believe these sorts of tests, it says more about who you are than anything these tests could ever prove.
Anyway, enough of all that … ready to play?
Good. Then we will begin …
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1. When do you feel your best …
A) in the morning
B) during the afternoon and early evening
C) late at night
2. You usually walk …
A) fairly fast, with long steps
B) fairly fast, with little steps
C) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
D) less fast, head down
E) very slowly
3. When talking to people you …
A) stand with your arms folded
B) have your hands clasped
C) have one or both your hands on your hips
D) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
E) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you sit with …
A) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
B) your legs crossed
C) your legs stretched out or straight
D) one leg curled under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with…
A) big appreciated laugh
B) a laugh, but not a loud one
C) a quiet chuckle
D) a sheepish smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you …
A) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
B) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
C) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
7. You’re working very hard, concentrating hard, and you’re interrupted …
A) welcome the break
B) feel extremely irritated
C) vary between these two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most …
A) Red or orange
B) black
C) yellow or light blue
D) green
E) dark blue or purple
F) white
G) brown or gray
9. When you’re in bed, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are …
A) stretched out on your back
B) stretched out face down on your stomach
C) on your side, slightly curled
D) with your head on one arm
E) with your head under the covers
10. You often dream that you are …
A) falling
B) fighting or struggling
C) searching for something or somebody
D) flying or floating
E) you usually have dreamless sleep
F) your dreams are always pleasant
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POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e ) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.
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OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should “handle with care.” You’re seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don’t always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you. You probably have at least 2 ex-wives and complain about planners. A lot.
51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality, a natural leader, who’s quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once, someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting, someone who’s constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding, someone who’ll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you, realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you’re shy, nervous and indecisive – someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn’t want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don’t exist. Some people think you’re boring. Only those who know you well, know you aren’t. You probably also go by the name of Billy. And have lots of tatts. Lots of tatts.