Following on from last weeks ‘intellectual’ variant, today we will focus on the ‘cool-as-fuck’ variety of the planning species.
1/ They will wear a t-shirt that either features the Motorhead logo [even though they will probably only know ‘Ace Of Spades’] or a brand the rest of us have never heard of but just reeks of being as cool as fucking fuck.
2/ At the end of every sentence, they’ll say “yeah?” as if he/she wants to be sure the audience is keeping up with their genius, even though secretly, they’ll be sure that is an impossible ask.
3/ Every reference they use will come from Fast Company or some underground music mag.
4/ They’ll use keynote with every fucking effect it can produce on every fucking slide.
5/ Their presentations will feature one word and some random – but gritty- looking image.
6/ Or just an abstract video.
7/ Or a photo of them. Stage diving or something. Probably from their facebook page where they can ‘accidently’ show they have 74,000 friends.
8/ And every presentation will start with a quote … either from a dead rock star, an indie song or a skateboarder.
9/ Then – when they present it – they’ll ignore everything on the screen and just walk about in their skinny jeans, sucking their cheeks in and saying things like, “You won’t of heard of these guys but …” and then proceed to show how they’re best mates with this bunch of losers/lucky bastards and that they hang out at the sort of hotspots only the hottest of filmstars go to. And they all take drugs together. Or talk about budhism.
10/ They absolutely, definitely, one thousand percent will talk about being a DJ. And they’ll say it in a tone like they’re the fucking bomb and if anything, planning is just their side project.
11/ Or photography. They’ll definitely be the greatest photographer in the World and will probably use their shots in their presentation. Either featuring miserable, drug addled teens or cliched hipsters. In a coffee shop.
12/ They will never, ever describe themselves as a planner. Always a trend hunter, chaser of the cool or follower of the fucking amazing.
13/ They only rate people with an arm of tattoos.
14/ They are convinced all the chicks in the room fancy them. And the men.
15/ They never. Never ever. Never, ever, ever talk about the general public or masses.
16/ They genuinely believe they are the smartest, coolest, most in touch person in the room … exemplified by their condescending views and remarks on the habits and beliefs of the audience, covering everything from their sad mainstream choice of music/fashion/tech/mags/cheese through to their naive views on who is the best writer of the modern age. Which will always be a magazine writer. Always.
17/ They’ll throw so many random facts at you that you’ll not realise till much later they haven’t voiced a single opinion or insight of their own, they’re just copied and pasted words/facts/terms that other people have told them, reported or actually got off their arse and done.
As there are 17 reasons compared to the usual 15, the rule is if you recognise 3 or more of the above traits in yourself – or someone you know – act swiftly and decisively because quite frankly, “normality” is going to kill you, you give us mere mortals the fucking shits and you’re not nearly as ‘connected’ or ‘brave’ as you think you are.