So I’m in Singapore for the next couple of days and as usual, I like it and miss it.
That’s not to say I don’t like Shanghai – I bloody love it – but for some reason, Singapore feels more like home than pretty much all the other places I have some sort of direct connection with, so it’s good to be back.
And this leads to the point of this post: belonging.
The reality is I have spent my whole life feeling like I don’t belong.
That doesn’t mean I feel – or have felt – alienated, isolated, uncared for or unloved … it’s just I feel I have never really ‘fitted in’ with certain groups or situations that have ended up dominating large parts of my life.
Without doubt, some of this [most of this?] has been self inflicted.
Not because I am someone with a self-destruction switch but because I have certain needs and insecurities that have led to me making personal choices that has resulted in my feelings of disconnection ending up as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Which leads me back to Singapore.
Despite so many things that annoy me about the place, it feels like home.
OK, so for me, the true definition of home is always going to be where my wife [and cat] are … but interms of a place that feels like I have some definitive and active roots in place, Singapore is it.
At least currently.
I wish I could truly explain why that’s the case but I can’t.
Knowing my way around the place and having some friends and history here can’t be the reason because that’s true of many places I’ve lived over the years – plus I was only in Singapore for 4 years which isn’t very long, especially compared to some other countries I stayed – so who knows what the reasons are, but it’s good to be back even if the only way for me to get rid of that familiar ‘stranger in my own town’ feeling is to go to Funan Mall and buy a shitload of electronic tat.