I would like to say in my defense that I am extremely tired …
I’ve been flying here, there and everywhere – going from one time zone to the other – and basically doing my level best to fuck up my body clock once and for all.
Got it?
Good … well maybe you won’t laugh as hideously as Jill, Fred and Andy have been for the last 10 minutes.
OK … so I walked into my hotel and there on the table was a load of fruit.
Amazingly I am trying to continue my healthily eating even though I am away from my daily ‘magic meals’ … so I picked up the reddest apple and while resembling a BBQ’d pig, stuffed as much of it in my mouth and took out the biggest bite you have ever seen.
Literally mid-bite, my eyes caught the gaze of the receptionists and realised that they looked shell-shocked and it was at that exact point the World seemed to go into slow-mo.
While I was hearing various members of the hotel staff shout out a monotonous “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir” , the inside of my mouth suddenly went into full-on gag mode as my brain quickly realised that not only was the apple a fake apple [wax] but it had been liberally coated in bloody furniture polish.
It was about now that I started looking like I was being strangled so I spat the wax-yuck into my hand while a shocked reception area gawped at me not knowing whether to laugh or come across and give me the Heimlich Maneuver.
However in a wonderful demonstration of ‘group ESP’ … everyone in reception decided OPTION 1 was the best move because within 2 seconds, they all went into loud and raucous laughter. The bastards.
Not only was I [and continue to be] mortified – but I know I can never stay in that hotel again because while the staff were very professional and didn’t laugh in my face [even though I told them they should] … I know that at this exact moment, they are pissing themselves and emailing every fucking Westin Hotel in the whole poxy fucking World.
I have brushed my teeth about 800 times now and it STILL feels like there’s a bottle of pledge in there … infact the only good thing about this whole sorry episode is that it cured my jetlag because I’ve never felt so awake in my life.
So there you go … laugh it up you bastards, laugh yourselves silly, especially if you work for Mcann’s!
Karma’s such a bitch … ha!