My very clever mate ‘Toddy’ has written a paper about being British which he has ‘promoted’ by sending out one of those ‘spam-fact-emails’.
Because he is great and the subject matter is interesting, I thought I’d present it so you can either all laugh or cringe at the content.
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home … grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way … to sit on some Swedish furniture and watch an American show on a Japanese TV.
And why is this interesting? Because Brits are suspicious of most things foreign!
Then there’s the weird things about being British …
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls then use call waiting so we don’t miss calls from people we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
And if proof were needed that we are fast approaching Yank-levels of stupidity, get-a-load of these sad facts …
THREE Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY TWO Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
FIFTY EIGHT Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
THIRTY ONE Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
NINETEEN Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
EIGHTEEN Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
FIVE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE Brits have been admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
EIGHT Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
I tell you something, I might get drunk on Strepsils … I might embarrass myself on boats to Denmark … I might like Queen and support Nottingham Forest, but my God, am I glad I am only half British! Then again, I am responsible for this!