The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Proud To Be British?
April 17, 2007, 7:15 am
Filed under: Comment

My very clever mate ‘Toddy’ has written a paper about being British which he has ‘promoted’ by sending out one of those ‘spam-fact-emails’.

Because he is great and the subject matter is interesting, I thought I’d present it so you can either all laugh or cringe at the content.

Union Jack

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home … grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way … to sit on some Swedish furniture and watch an American show on a Japanese TV.

And why is this interesting? Because Brits are suspicious of most things foreign!

Then there’s the weird things about being British …

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls then use call waiting so we don’t miss calls from people we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

And if proof were needed that we are fast approaching Yank-levels of stupidity, get-a-load of these sad facts …

THREE Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY TWO Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

FIFTY EIGHT Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

THIRTY ONE Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

NINETEEN Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

EIGHTEEN Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

FIVE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE Brits have been admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

EIGHT Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Italian Flag

I tell you something, I might get drunk on Strepsils … I might embarrass myself on boats to Denmark … I might like Queen and support Nottingham Forest, but my God, am I glad I am only half British!  Then again, I am responsible for this!


60 Comments

I think these figures show that per capita, you slimey limey’s are more fucked up than my American brothers and sisters. Sucked in.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Why do you think I don’t live there anymore Billy!

Comment by Rob

Is this the post when all us expats go off on one?
Morning.

Comment by Winston Churchill

Yes, Winston… I think it is.
Morning.

Comment by Marcus

Go on Winston, go ‘off on one’ …

Comment by Rob

You expats think you’re all so clever don’t you? Just because you made your way to Dover! Shame you didn’t end up in a colonial bog!

While you lot sun in the comfort of foreign life, we, the REAL Brits battle on. We try to make it work over here you know. We really try. And so what if a couple of brave souls peg it because they test foreign batteries with their tongues? That’s courage that is. Real courage. Courage for QUEEN AND COUNTRY.

[cue Elgar]

So while you sup on foreign coffee we will drink tea.
So while you drive ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD we do it all proper like.
So while you lot enjoy the comfort of a foreign currency we will continue struggle to make ends meet because that’s the only way we know. The British way.

AND WE’RE PROUD! WE’RE HONEST! AND WE’RE STILL FUCKING HERE!

Bloody liberals. The lot of you.

Comment by Winston

Oi Winston … nothing makes someone more patriotic than living overseas, so put a sock in it because us lot out here are the ones singing Blighty’s praises, far more than you lot at ‘home’. Now go and drink some whisky and feel better!

Comment by Rob

Ah yes, this country is just as insane as any other…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

bloody liberals

Comment by Winston

This country is not as insane as this blog. Which is good of course.

I can admit to two of Toddy’s little factiods, but I’m not saying which. Fairplay to the expats, it must be tough to be surrounded by cheerful people all day.

Comment by NP

Come on … tell us which two … or we’ll just make them up. [Hmmmmn, I sound like a Sun Newspaper ‘journo’ there don’t I! Ha]

As for people outside of the UK being more cheerful, can I just point out YOU said that, not me – I don’t want another Winston bashing, ha!

Comment by Rob

NP died licking a battery.

Comment by Marcus

Not using screwdriver.
Not finding a bottle opener.

Where is locking yourself out of the car?

Batteries do taste good, but it wasn’t fatal.

Comment by NP

Not using screwdriver.

Not finding a bottle opener.

Where is locking yourself out of the car?

Batteries do taste good, but it wasn’t fatal.

Comment by NP

Maybe drug dealers could sponsor this site? It’s fucking surreal!

Comment by Rob

Legal acid?

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Blog Bong …

Comment Cocaine …

E-Ecstacy …

Comment by Rob

am i going nuts, or did you already post this about a week ago?

Comment by lauren

Conspiracy Theory… First Australian settlers weren’t convicts at all, they were actually the normal ones ESCAPING!!!!

All comments in this thread strongly reinforce this theory.

Comment by Age

You’re going nuts Lauren … or I have altzheimers

And Age … you are probably right. See crime does pay!

Comment by Rob

shit – maybe i’m having serious de ja vu about your blog and that means i really need some fucking help!!

Comment by lauren

SEEK HELP NOW LAUREN … RIGHT NOW!!!

Either that or go into palm reading …

Comment by Rob

hmmm…

Comment by lauren

I know a very rude joke about palm reading.

Comment by Rob

It’s all about the Elgar. Good Worcestershire chap as he was.

Comment by Will

And don’t forget the cancer-inducing sauce that originates from there too.

Put the GREAT into Great Britain!

Comment by Rob

Cancer inducing??

Comment by Rob Mortimer

What has Nottingham ever given the world? Oh wait…gun crime. 😉

Comment by Will

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hereford/worcs/4286991.stm

Check those facts.

Comment by Will

You cheeky bastard …

Nottingham has given the World Robin Hood / Lace / Raleigh Bikes / Credit Reference Agencies / Paper Lace [the band] / Nottingham Forest / Me / Professional Footie Clubs [Notts County / Boots / John Player Fags / The Price Is Right [filmed down the road from my parents house] / Trent Bridge / Goose Fair and … yes … Europe’s premier location for drug and gun crime.

Nottingham is pretty crap isn’t it? Damn …

However compared to Stoke and it’s ‘output’ of Robbie Williams, Slash and Pottery … well, we’re miles ahead!

Comment by Rob

I love Lea & Perrins … I’d vote for it to be PM

Comment by Rob

L+P is ace.
Stoke is pretty crappy, Robbie Williams and Nick Hancock…

Cheap place to live though, you can get a lot of house for your money; without the guns and drugs of Nottingham…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Yes … but it’s Stoke!

Comment by Rob

Stoke is VERY crappy. Just happens to have the world’s best football team, as a fortunate thing.

I’ve met Nick Hancock. Legend.

The only thing I give to Nottingham is Professional Football (1863 I believe). Stoke were the 3rd pro team.

Comment by Will

Nick Hancock … over Slash. Mental!

Comment by Rob

Stoke is a bit crappy, but its not had the development that Nottingham has had over the years.

Sheffield FC, just down the road from my house; officially the worlds oldest football club.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

i’m having a beavis and butthead moment right now…
heh, he said cock and slash in the same sentence.

Comment by lauren

Whilst Hancock’s guitar wizardry is as yet unproven, I’m sure he could generate the kind of fiercesome licks not seen this side of Sweet Child O’ Mine.

Does Slash support Stoke? No.

Case closed.

Comment by Will

Slash hated Sweet Child O mine at first, the riff at the start was a riff he did as a piss take…

But I bet Hancock is a mean shredder.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Hahaha … next you’ll be going on how ‘The Full Monty’ was based in Sheffield!

And Lauren … it is comments like that, that makes us love you even more!

Have some sniggering over this …

“Ms Fanny picked up her pet cock and stroked it till she felt it stiffen with pride”

Jesus, this is mental!

Comment by Rob

One of my English tutors used to moonlight as a Mills & Boon writer. She once used the term ‘purple headed warrior’ in a sentence, which brought tears to my eyes.

I know about Slash – interestingly, the riff to ‘Today’ by the Smashing Pumpkins was also done for a laugh. Fucking great tune.

Ask not what Nick Hancock has done for you, but what you could do for Nick Hancock.

Comment by Will

What could I do for Nick Hancock? Stick a gun in his throat and gladly pull the trigger, that’s what, ha!

Comment by Rob

Purple Headed Warrior?

Sounds like Barney with an AK47!

Comment by Rob

I could, TFM was a great film. But id rather go on about how Sheffield was the first (and for a long time only) city in the UK to understand electronic music. (Cabaret Voltaire, Human League, ABC etc)

Really Will? I love that song. Quick quiz, name three more songs with ice cream vans in the video…

But NH is classic cynical wit, surely you must respect that!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Country House by Blur, Because I Got High by Afroman, Vindaloo by Fat Les.

Nick Hancock is much funnier in real life. Especially when Stoke score a last minute winner.

Comment by Will

Fyi, that was top of my head, not googled. I’m ‘supposed’ to be working. But all the work is done….

Comment by Will

barney with an AK47!! ha ha ha!!
it’s comments like that which make me love you rob!!
it’s my new euphemism…

Comment by lauren

Nicely done Will, you could have also had Leave it Alone by NOFX and Lately by Skunk Anansie.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Nicely done Will, you could have also had Leave it Alone by NOFX and Lately by Skunk Anansie…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Robin Hood was from Yorkshire

Comment by NP

Indeed he was, well spotted.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

See? Nottingham = Rubbish.

Comment by Will

I love Britain, I just don’t like it very much.

Comment by Marcus

The old Robin Hood from Yorkshire shite … you jealous bastards, haha. Don’t tell me, there’s proof Jessie Boot really started his company in Liverpool, ha.

Comment by Rob

Why would anyone steal from the rich in Nottingham? He would be out all day just to find enough for one theft 😉

Comment by Rob Mortimer

..and he would have a gun.

Comment by NP

No bow and arrow for Nottingham ‘Robin’ … only AK47’s and grenades!!!

Comment by Rob

Eleven British lost to South Africa by 9 wickets and 18 overs to spare at their last chance to be in the semi-finals of the Cricket World Cup, once again maintaining their dubious record of never having even once won the world cup of a game they invented.

Comment by Hari

DH Lawrence (writer) came from Nottingham!
You can now add a touch of culture to that list.

Comment by lauren

Yes he did Lauren, from a super rough part of Nottingham, but Nottingham all the same. Other Nottingham sons (that you may or may not know) are Stan Laurel (Laurel & Hardy), Robert Lyndsey (Citizen Smith), Sue Pollard (Hi De Hi) and regardless what they say, Robin Hood. Not the most exciting lot is it, haha.

Comment by Rob




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