The most expensive ‘small thing’ in the World. [OK, in MY World!]
So I think some of you out there know about the ‘weirdness’ going on in my life at the moment – however at the weekend, I did one of the best and most sensible things I’ve ever done in my life.
I got engaged to Jill.
Despite me being 36 years old … despite me taking the piss out of her with Jillyism’s … despite me dragging her all around the World … despite me having physical similarities to Woody Allen and Bob Dylan … despite me having an alarming lack of maturity and responsibility … despite me having weird friends … despite me releasing a bunch of my skeletons to the wider World … she said yes and I couldn’t be happier.
Of course I was dead romantic. Oh yes.
I spent ages thinking of ways to ‘pop the question’ … including doing it on this blog[!] … and after a surreal conversation with her parents asking for permission [which somewhat scarily they gave!] I’d decided to go out, buy some coffee’s and put the ring inside the bag then casually mention I’d bought a ‘little treat’ so she’d rush over to the bag and rip it open [she likes treats] only to see the ring lying there in all it’s overpriced glory.
More enjoyable than a diamond ring?
However, after some thought, I realised Jill loves sweet treats so much, she’d probably be really disappointed if I hadn’t really got her a muffin so in the end, after a sleepless night, I nervously woke her up early Saturday morning and with tears in my eyes [happy tears I should add] I performed an adaptation of my one and only ring trick [see below]
Because she was half asleep, her first reaction was “I’ve seen this trick, why are you showing it to me?” but then, when her eyes caught sight of the bling and she realised what was really going on, she shouted yes and I suddenly had a fiance. [OH MY GOD!]
Now I know this isn’t exactly the thing to say … but can someone tell me why diamonds cost so bloody much. [I don’t think it’s a coincidence fiance sounds so close to finance!]
Yeah … yeah … they are a precious stone – but the thing is I can walk down any high street, in any city, in any country and find the bloody things in every Jewellery Shop window – so I have to ask, just how ‘rare’ are they?
Then there’s the fact diamonds have about 8,000 different ‘grading’ attributes – which either drives up or drives down the cost of the little things.
There can be 2 seemingly identical diamonds but with a price difference of thousands of dollars, simply because some so-called ‘expert’ tells you one is a ‘A’ grade while the other is a ‘D’. I wouldn’t mind except in most cases, you can’t tell the bloody difference between the two.
[Mind you, that’s ‘blokes’ who can’t tell the difference … women are educated from birth about how to spot a quality diamond so you can’t pull the wool over their eyes, however hard you may try. Damn!]
However there is one thing the Diamond Industry have come up with to keep the price of their ‘output’ high … and it is quite possibly the best marketing scam EVER.
In the REAL World, if you buy a product, you tend to get a guarantee that states …
1 The item is what you believe it is
2 If anything goes wrong, it is proof of purchase and they’ll fix it for you.
Not with diamonds though. Oh no.
If you want your diamond to have an official ‘guarantee’ [ie: if you sell it one day, the purchaser knows it’s a certified diamond] they con you into paying another 25% for the thing.
That’s right, they charge 25% more FOR THE SAME DIAMOND just so you can have a piece of paper that says “This is a diamond. Honest!”
So not only do the bastards try and guilt-trip you into spending 2 months of your hard-earned salary on a minute stone that comes from bloody coal … then they say you have to pay a whole heap more of cash just so you can be ‘sure’ it’s genuine!
Isn’t that astounding? Almost as astounding as the fools who do it! [ie: Andy who has bought god knows how many during his numerous marriage and engagements!]
Now don’t think I’m a cheap bastard – I’ve bought some expensive things in my life … car, house, guitars – even my watch – but nothing in the World has cost me so much cash for …
1 Something so small
2 Something I don’t even get to keep
.. I am sure it’s an anti-male conspiracy … and 2/1 Germaine Greer has something to do with it!
The Happy Couple [The one on the right is slightly happier as she got the ‘goods’!]
So there you go, I’m officially ‘off the market’ … though given my facial issue, it’s fair to say I’ve been off the market for a very, very long time. Ha.
So to my darling Jill … thanks for being the most wonderful, beautiful, loving, smart [despite the odd ‘Jillyism’] funny and [sometime] patient woman I’ve ever met … thanks for not judging on looks … thanks for saying yes … and may our lives together be full of fun, laughter and experiences. [But never going shopping for bathroom cabinets or carpets, Especially on a Sunday!]
HOLY FUCK, I’M GOING TO GET MARRIED.
Woo-hoo!
Taken just before I reminded her about the ring …
… then strangling me while proving ‘Diamonds ARE A Girls Best Friend!’