Hello, how are you all?
I assume you have all had a turn for the worse now I’m back.
Oh well, shit happens.
Yes, I had an amazing time.
Yes, my Mum had a great birthday.
Yes, I miss her ridiculously.
Actually ‘ridiculously’ is the perfect choice of word because the feeling of loss I am experiencing right now is overwhelming.
Now of course, whenever you leave someone you love, you’re going to feel upset … but for some reason – despite having gone through this very scenario probably 100+ times over the past 17+ years – I feel it to a much greater degree this time.
Maybe it’s because she’s turned 80, which in my weird, twisted mind, qualifies her as being ‘properly old’ – I’m not sure – but despite knowing I’ll see her again in 3 months and that she is, fortunately, fit & well for her age … I’m finding it especially hard being back at work.
In China.
Miles away from her.
Sure, you could argue that is my choice – and I suppose it is – but life doesn’t always work out where every aspect of your life is satisfied and maybe that is why I am always so appreciative of our time together.
There’s something warm and lovely and reassuring knowing the people you love are just a wall away.
I know some people would find that idea horrendous, but not me.
I would have absolutely no problem if my Mum lived with me.
Sadly, she doesn’t feel the same way because when we asked her, she has said no.
However it’s not because she hates me or doesn’t want to live in China … it’s because she doesn’t want to feel like she is ‘imposing’ on my life, even though the words ‘my Mum’ and ‘imposing’ are impossible to put together.
Waking up and knowing I could say hello to my Mum and give her a big hug was wonderful.
Sitting in the lounge and knowing she was in the same room as me was incredibly comforting.
Watching her face as she did the crosswords was just really special.
Little things.
Everyday things.
Normal life things.
While technology has definitely made it easier to ‘manage’ being away from the ones you love, it never can replace the feeling you get being there … in the same place and space.
Don’t get me wrong, technology is amazing and wonderful but one of it’s problems – at least in relationship maintenance – is that it encourages unnatural interactions … a feeling of needing to say or do something … a never ending stream of contrived, stilted conversations, designed to ‘fill a moment’ rather than an emotional void.
Of course that isn’t true for everyone – including me – but the fact is, the deepest, most important relationships aren’t based purely on continual verbal communication, but emotional closeness from just being there.
Together.
Sharing space, time and moments.
And technology hasn’t quite managed to achieve that yet.
While I am thankful for Skype and email & everything else that lets me stay in constant touch with my Mum, I am eternally grateful I was able to spend last week with my Mum.
In her house. In her lounge. In her kitchen.
It’s something I treasure.
Because I miss her.
Love you Mum, see you soon.
Rx