WARNING FOR MY MUM:
HI MUM, IF YOU COME ACROSS THIS POST, PLEASE DO NOT READ IT.
I’M SERIOUS … TURN AWAY, THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
PROMISE?
GOOD.
LOVE YOU, SPEAK VERY SOON.
_______________________________________________________________
Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls … how are you today?
I had a lovely holiday thanks for not asking.
So as we enter the final quarter of 2011, I was hoping I’d end the year on a stream of highs and then I saw this:
Now to you it might look like an innocuous headline, however to me, it brings out my immature side – a side that you’ll be shocked to learn, lies just beneath my surface.
To understand why, you have to come on a journey with me, one that starts 7 years in the past …
Jill and I had just started going out when she turned to me and said,
“Do you know what space docking is?”
I said no to which she said I should try and guess.
I asked for a clue and she said – to my delight – it was something “sexual”.
Sadly, after a number of guesses I still hadn’t got the answer so I asked her to tell me.
“Well …” she said, “… it’s where a man shits into a condom [don’t ask], puts it in the freezer and then anally penetrates their lover with it once it’s frozen”.
Now I’m no prude, however I went as white as a sheet and nearly ran to the nearest police station to declare I was in the presence of a fucking sicko … however when she saw my reaction, she burst out laughing [LAUGHING!!!!] and told me not to worry because it was simply what her ultra-gay friend, Glen, had told her he did.
I’ve had many conversations in my time … I’ve talked about things that few may ever get round to discussing … however I’ve never, ever, ever discussed freezing my shit and doing someone up the arse with it. Ever.
Not with my straight, gay, twisted or just plain deviant [that’s you Jimbo!] friends.
NEVER.
EVER.
And yet I was kind of fascinated about ‘space docking’ … not from a practical sense, but in more of a where the hell does someone think of something like that?
It’s a bit like when I was a kid and people said if you had mag wheels on your BMX and they got buckled, if you put them in the freezer, they’d sort themselves out.
Or if you spill red wine on your parents carpet, you should shove a fuckload of salt on it and the stain will come out.
How the hell does someone discover that?
I mean, who was the first BMX rider to go …
“Oh fuck, I’ve buckled my wheel. I wonder what would happen if I put it in Mum and Dad’s deep freeze? Bugger me, it’s fixed it!”
OK, so Glen was an ‘interesting character’.
Jill told me one story about him that basically put me off ice cubes for about 3 years … but still, the practicalities of space docking are hardly the sort of thing you’d come up with over a cup of tea with your parents.
And that’s the thing about the mind, it’s bloody mental and can come up with an astounding array of ideas, suggestions and solutions … so why 95% of ad agencies always come up with a 30″ TVC or some derivative of that is beyond me.
Hmmmmn, that’s quite a link isn’t it … probing someone’s anus with a condom of frozen poo to the state of adland, I’ve even impressed myself … so with that I think it’s best I go and leave you with these two snippets:
1. It would appear the last quarter of blog posts might not be very sophisticated.
2. You now know the reason why the headline in that paper made me laugh.