So a while back I was in the US and as usual, I was jetlagged to within an inch of my life.
So to distract myself for a bit, I turned on the television and I saw this:
Yes, that is a white haired old man doing something disturbing with him hands as a super, in the bottom right hand corner, proudly announces “The Future Is In Your Seed”.
No, it’s not the porn channel, it’s the religious channel.
I must admit I’m quite obsessed with late night US television … or should I say, late night advertorial and/or God shows … mainly because I find it fascinating how they sell their stuff and who they sell it too.
As I wrote about the dodgy porcelain dolls, given these types of shows have been continuously on television for seemingly ever, someone must be buying/watching them to justify their production.
The thing is, whether it’s a 30 minute program showing how a Z-grade celebrities cosmetic range can make you look 90 years younger or some four hour religious special talking about how you can live a ‘higher life’, they both seem to use the same premises and promises in their pitch.
1/ Always use happy, attractive people.
2/ Make sure they are dressed in the sort of colourful clothing that outside of a television studio would have them arrested.
3/ If talking about something serious, use older presenters. But older – attractive presenters.
4/ If talking about family, always ensure there are photos of the presenters family in the background.
5/ Never do a show without some ‘World renowned’ expert on hand.
6/ Have perfectly white, crowned teeth.
7/ Pretend everyone is an old, old friend.
8/ Have a set that is either futuristic house or a replica of a typical middle America home.
9/ Intersperse supposed ‘real life customers’ throughout the program, where they talk adnauseum about how their life has been changed for the better because of product X or god Y. [Before and after photos are always a nice touch]
10/ If you ever have to say something negative, always shake your head side-to-side in an overly exaggerated way.
11/ If you can run to it, get some celebrity to endorse whatever it is you’re selling. The fact that your show goes out at 4am means they can be assured their core fanbase will never see it. The benefit to them is that it’s much more convenient to earn a shitload of cash than flying all the way to Japan.
12/ Always promise the happiest, healthiest, wealthiest life … but only if you follow the ‘instructions’ to the letter.
And there you go … the 12 key rules to make a late night/early morning television show, regardless of what you’re trying to sell.
Now the weird thing is that despite them always following the same template, I can’t take my eyes off them.
It’s like a car crash … you know you shouldn’t look but you can’t help yourself … but what do you expect when you get religious nutters saying things like “Your Future Is In Your Seed” with an absolute straight face or whole programs dedicated to selling some of the worst tat ever created, even though they try and sell it like it’s the technological breakthrough of the century, like this – the iPhone TV hat.
And before you ask, yes, I have ordered one … but at least it’s cheaper than a Dalek.
That isn’t a good enough excuse is it? Oh the shame …