… but despite it sometimes giving me the total shits, I still kinda call Australia home – which is why I’m quite glad I’m popping back for a few days as of tonight, even though it is for quite serious reasons.
This means 2 things …
1/ There’s no more posts till Monday [I have exhausted my supply of pre-written posts and haven’t replenished my stocks – how slack is that?]
2/ If you live there and have made the fatal mistake of ever acknowledging my existence, you might get a call asking if you’re free for a coffee. Of course I’ll pay for your double decaf latte with soya milk [I wouldn’t expect you to be seen in my company without getting some sort of “benefit”] however it looks like you’ll be safe because my trip has seemingly been planned to the nano-second, probably to make sure I don’t disrupt and annoy any more people than I absolutely have to.
[While I’m going to be in Sydney, I might have to pop down to Melbourne, so you’re not safe either Lauren!]
Right, let’s go and see what the Aussies have done to piss me off shall we?
Expect rabid ranting as of next week, ha!
Actually why wait till then …
The photo above was ‘borrowed’ from the long-running Qantas advertising campaign.
For years they’ve flown a bunch of angelic looking little bastards all around the World and filmed them while they sing one of the most self important/delusional ditties since Bono tried to get his band to play a song he’d written called …
“I am the greatest living person in the World. No one can touch me for talent, style and care to mankind. Even that God bloke pales into insignificance. Without me, the World would be nothing, and U2 would be a pub band. I am, quite simply, amazing.”
Seriously, how ungrateful can these kids be?
They get flown all around the World … getting access to the sorts of places even explorers dream about … and what do they do? They whine they’re not home.
Pricks.
“But Rob, you’re missing the point” I hear you cry, “… they’re saying exploring the World is wonderful, but there’s no place like home.”
No they’re not …
They’re saying exploring the World is OK, but why would you bother when there’s no place better in the whole fucking universe than Australia.
Hell, it’s almost as if Qantas are encouraging people to NOT travel … but to be fair, that might be something mandated by the Government in an attempt to subliminally encourage foreigners [read: immigrants] to stay where the hell they are.
Maybe.
If you hadn’t guessed, I don’t really like Qantas.
Sure, they’re not as bad as Garuda, Malaysian, Air India or British Airways – but they’re working hard to be as ground breaking in awfulness as those distinguised organisations.
I’m not saying this because of my associations with Virgin, I’m saying it because it’s true and everytime I see one of their ads featuring a little sod warbling their hearts out singing that fucking song, it reminds me that even if the ‘flying kangaroo’ did get its act together and offered half decent planes, service and facilities – I’d still explore other options before I flew them.
Saying that, these ads do give a good insight into the Aussie attitude because if you follow the underlying message of the song [which isn’t hard as it’s about as deep as a puddle] you realise the reason why Qantas resonates so deeply with the Australian public is because it speaks their language …
“Buckingham Palace might be impressive, but the Wooloomooloo wharf serves cold beer and doesn’t mind you wearing shorts and singlets.”
“NYC might be exciting but I get more goose bumps when I watch the Aussie edition of ’60 Minutes’ on a Sunday night.”
“Eating Thai food in Thailand might be novel, but it doesn’t taste as nice as Australian Thai and the people talk funny.”
Hey, I’ve always said moving cultures is better than moving the category so I guess I should bow down to their brilliance – especially as they seem quite content ‘talking to their own’, which is proving to be a far more successful strategy than any of their recent global tourism campaigns the countries run, especially the recent ‘great hope’ that flopped as much as the movie it was tied to: Baz Luhrmann’s “Australia”.
Seriously, what’s wrong with being associated with Sun/Beach/Koala/BBQ’s?
Most other countries would kill for that association – but the powers-that-be don’t think it demonstrates Australia’s progressive attitude.
Well there’s a reason for that … Australia isn’t as progressive as many of the people think.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s an amazing country with amazing people that has – and continues to – achieve amazing things, but it’s not this home of global innovation that some of the folk like to delude themselves with.
But putting that aside, if they’re so desperate to present a more modern image to the World, why the fuck did they put all their eggs in the basket of a movie that shows Australia when it was a bloody dust bowl?
Not only that, but regardless of her Oscars and high profile life, the ice-Queen – Nicole Kidman – probably puts more people off the place than it attracts. Infact, the only thing I think they could of used her for was if they did ads that simply said: “NICOLE DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE”.
Jesus, where did all this come from?
How the hell will I be when I’ve actually come back from the place?
Who knows … but before you Aussies get your knickers in a twist, I’m only teasing – I love the country and I love [most] of the people … though I really do hate those Qantas ads.
🙂