Yep, today I am officially just 12 little years away from hitting the big 5.0.
That’s even more frightening than just being 2 years off 40 or the fact that according to latest figures, I have almost reached the official ‘halfway point’ of my entire life.
And yet, while I am a bald bastard, with bad eyes and white hairs sprouting out of my face – I cannot believe I have reached this age.
Oh hang on, that sounds like I’m claiming to have lived such a life of debauchery that it’s amazing I didn’t die years ago … and as dodgy as I look, the fact is I’ve never done drugs or fags and haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since I was 15 … so what I am trying to say is that basically I cannot believe I am at this age.
I should explain that doesn’t mean I go out acting like some 21 year old … nor does it mean I do all I can to ‘look’ young [and if I did, I think it would be fair to say I’ve failed, ha] … it’s just that mentally I feel [and sort-of believe] I’m around 28.
I don’t really know why this is the case – maybe it’s because I am a delusional old bastard or maybe it’s because my life took some dramatic twists and turns when I was around 25 and always felt that’s when I became ‘an adult’ – but regardless of the reason, it opens up some interesting issues for me to contend with.
One of them is Fatherhood.
You see I have always wanted to be a Dad … infact when I was a teenager, I was interested in adopting [!!!] … however while I am now at an age where I am supposedly more mature and financially strong [not to mention finally being married] – my desire to become a Father is less dramatic.
That doesn’t mean I don’t want to become a Dad – and I know I will be in the near[ish] future – it’s just that I feel abit conflicted because whilst I know a child should be next on my agenda, it just isn’t. At least not yet.
This could be because having got married less than a year ago, I am enjoying spending a selfish amount of time with my wife [and cat] … or it could be that despite many of my friends being happy and proud parents, my oldest and dearest friend also isn’t a Dad yet so my situation doesn’t seem that strange … or there’s the fact that after a life of ‘semi-struggle’ I am now in a position where [within reason] I can afford most of the things I want, even if I don’t act upon those desires very often [plus have generally cheap tastes. Except in technology, ha!] … however whilst there may elements of all these things behind my change in attitude, I think the core reason is because – as I said earlier – I believe I am much younger than my actual years so have somehow convinced myself that at ’28’, I’m too young to become a Dad.
Mad eh!
The thing is, I know having a child – be it at 28 or 58 – wouldn’t stop you achieving anything.
Sure things/goals may change, but it’s not like life stops – infact it grows – so when you take into account that [1] the goals I have in life can be just as easily achieved with a child as without [2] I’ve never have wanted to be an ‘old Dad’ and [3] I really do want to be a Father, I know I’m being a bloody fool and will have to address this issue pretty soon.
I should point out that when I say “I have to address this issue soon” it’s because I am 38 years of age – it’s certainly not because my wonderful [and younger] wife is putting pressure on me.
The other issue that my ‘real age’ brings up is professional.
Let me start by saying I have never been one of those people with a career plan … the sort of person who devises their professional journey till retirement with military precision.
For me I’ve always been happy as long as I felt I was being challenged and doing things I found interesting.
Don’t think that doesn’t mean I’m not ambitious – I am – it’s just that I’ve always gauged my success on achievement rather than title.
However here’s the thing – sometimes I have found myself looking at other people in the industry and thinking I am doing pretty well in comparison – only to remember I’m actually a decade older than I think I am so have actually achieved pretty much the same as everyone else, if not slightly less. [I am talking professionally here, I’ve never been competitive interms of material possession]
Of course evaluating ‘achievements’ is a highly ambiguous area [is it agencies you’ve worked with or clients? brands or campaigns? ads or business?] plus there’s the undisputable fact that none of it actually fucking matters [especially if I am doing the things I want to do which is a privilege in itself] however what I do find interesting/confronting is that this highlights just how insecure I am – especially where work is concerned.
You see throughout my advertising career I’ve always felt abit of a fraud.
Some of that is because I’ve generally only worked at agencies with great reputations so felt any success was more due to the brilliance of the agency than anything I may have contributed plus having never been a drinker, smoker, drug taker, or ‘cool dude’ … I always felt [and was made to feel] abit of an outsider.
What this means is that whenever I achieved a degree of success [either personally or as part of my team/agency/client] I always felt I was giving the middle finger to the advertising elite … those people who made me – and countless others – feel like we had no right to be in [or even consider to be in] this industry simply because we didn’t come from the right city / school or background.
Yes I know this is probably an attempt to feel like I’m living the ‘triumph over adversity‘ stuff that I love [and I do realise I’ve not really triumphed over anything – certainly nothing truly worthwhile – let alone faced any real adversity] however while the industry is very different to what it once was, its still got its inherent prejudices and if proof was needed, you just have to look at someone like Marcus and realise how in the main, the industry still doesn’t like to embrace clever people with alternative views and backgrounds.
Jesus what a fruitcake I am! 🙂
To be honest, I don’t know why I am writing/saying any of this … plus I appreciate it sounds like a man going through a mid-life crisis [and given that I am close to my official life ‘midpoint’, it would be justifiable, ha] … however I guess I am just coming to terms with who I am and where I am and while that might be very late compared to the rest of you, at least it shows that people don’t always fit into nice, simple ‘generalisation boxes’ that the advertising and research industries like to have us believe.
Jesus this post is depressing – and yet it wasn’t meant to come out that way at all.
The fact is I know I am a very fortunate man, however I guess I am just starting to accept that I’m actually a very fortunate middle aged man and should stop living/ruling/judging my life by some bloody stupid ‘age expectation rule’ that doesn’t actually exist.
Right, I think it’s time I went because this is starting to sound awfully like a DR Phil show so I promise tomorrow will be abit more ‘normal’ [I’m writing it now because I’m speaking at a Market Research Conference] so as long as the delegates don’t lynch me after they hear what I say, I’ll see you on Monday.
So lets end this post with a sing-song …
Happy Birthday To Me …
Happy Birthday To Me …
Happy Birthday Dear Happy Slightly Bonkers Birthday Boy/Man …
Happy Birthday To Me …
________________________________________________
I wonder how much of this post was influenced by this …
It’s a bloody birthday card from the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in Kuala Lumpur.
Apart from the fact I can’t even remember staying there, everything about it is soooooo depressing – from the paper they’ve used to the cheesy photo inside – so all in all this CRM program is more likely to put me off the hotel than to get me to book, especially given they attract the sort of person I usually hate.
Fucking Mandarin Oriental, they’ve ruined my birthday. The bastards 🙂