So last year we had a ‘What’s The Best Meat’ online competition – and whilst the answer is obviously sausage – we lost.
In some ways I was happy, because during the duration of sausages involvement, all productivity at cynic [not to mention Virgin] basically stopped – however because he’s mad, lovely, mischievous and smart, the ever-lovely Marcus/Kaiser has decided we should all have another competition so this time the aim is to find out ‘What’s The Best Drink’
Now because I drink copious amounts of the stuff – plus work [or worked, depending on what we disagree with on any given day] I’ve been bestowed with selling the virtues of Diet Coke.
I could talk about how it is the second most popular soft drink in the World or how it was the driving force behind low calorie drinks or how it’s advertising promoted female empowerment when most ads were generally negatively stereotyping women or how it helped push ‘calorie control diets’ into the mainstream … but you know what, I’m not going to do that, infact I’m going to do something radical – I’m going to ask you NOT to vote for me.
Now there are many reasons for this, and over the course of this post, I’ll be covering most of them – however lets start with the issue of who Diet Coke is ‘up against’ in round one of the competition …
1 Red Bull
2 Innocent
3 Spring Water
In that list, the only brand I’d rate Diet Coke higher than is Red Bull.
I fucking HATE Red Bull.
I know our dear Charles has just won the account in China [well done on that by the way] and I worked with them in Europe and Australia for a few years – but that still doesn’t excuse the fact the drink is disgusting, looks like wee and is owned/run by some of the most misguided German’s since a certain small moustached twat tried to take over the World.
I hate their shitty ads … I hate how they ignore the influence of the nightclub in its sales success … I hate how they think they are uber-cool … I hate how they keep talking about it giving you energy when most people consume it as [1] a mixer [2] a hangover cure … I hate the German marketing person who insists on being called DR just because in Krautland you can be a DR of Marketing [delusion anyone?] and I hate how they sponsor extreme games when the most radical thing about that drink is that it can kill you if you consume too much. [Which to be fair, is pretty radical]
Ooooooh I feel better now. I feel much, much better.
Right, now lets get onto the other two shall we – Innocent and Spring Water.
Well they’re good aren’t they.
Sure there’s certain accusations that have been thrown at them in the past [Innocent is not as nicey-nicey as they pretend and if Spring Water was as pure as they claim, how come the bottles have a sell by date] but compared to Diet Coke, they’re pretty fucking untouchable aren’t they.
Think about it … a brand that invests in proving it genuinely wants the World to be a happier, nicer place versus a brand that is created purely by mother nature versus a brand that is owned by a massive international conglomerate who spend billions each year controlling the distribution channels, brainwashing the masses, encouraging younger and younger consumption and trying to drive out all the smaller players from the marketplace.
Not a tough decision is it?
Then there’s the issue as regards the health benefits of Diet Coke.
Sure it’s only one calories but one of the key ingredients is something called aspartame – an element that has been alleged to be responsible for all manner of illnesses, from headaches through to depression and pretty much everything in-between.
OK, so after pressure from Walmart they released a Diet Coke variant that swapped the controversial element with the more health-friendly Splenda – however they spent little cash promoting the product [focusing on Coke Zero instead] and thus demonstrated their lack of concern for the people who make them rich.
If you want to read more, then I suggest you go here but you may rather ignore it because it makes for pretty frightening reading.
What about the fact a simple Mentos mint can make the product do this …
That’s not normal is it – but then either is the fact a dirty copper coin can come out sparklingly clean once dropped into the stuff for 10 mins or so.
Now to be honest, I’m getting abit bored with this post and I’m sure you’re feeling the same, so to aid in my quest for you to NOT vote for “DC”, I will fall back on the tried and tested lazyman blog post, and write a list of points …
1 Rather than improve the taste of their product, they decided to confuse consumers by making weird Diet Coke flavour combinations [ie: Lemon / Cherry / Lime] so you couldn’t compare it to the high-sugared ‘mother brand’ that so many of you love.
2 They have made some of the most fucking appalling ads ever – especially the recent ones [see here and here – though Kate Beckinsale looks amazing in her ad whereas the other spot is just pathetic and a rip off the Club 18-30 campaign]
3 They pretend to be a woman’s brand but approx 40% of their sales come from men. Over 40.
4 They think they’re better than they are – they’re just a soft drink for fucksake – and yet they act like they’re the second coming of Christ.
5 Rather than represent female empowerment [despite a large majority of their core consumers being men] they have become an advocate for superficial material possession.
6 They’re making their bottles/cans bigger so they can increase the volume of liquid you consume to make up for the shortfall they are experiencing as people choose naturally healthier drinks.
7 They’ve launched a Diet Coke with added minerals and vitamins. I mean, that’s like eating 5 kebabs and washing it down with a water and thinking that makes everything OK again.
8 They’re schizophrenic – in some markets they’re DIET COKE, in others they’re COKE LIGHT and in Japan, they’re NO CALORIE COKE.
9 Coke’s strategic goal is to ‘never be more than an arm-length away from a Coke/Diet Coke.
10 Despite alleged health issues, Diet Coke are currently claiming to be ‘healthly heart advocates’
11 Coca-Cola once spent millions trying to copyright the colour ‘red’. Millions. In the end they only managed [I believe] to secure the rights to the colour when used in context with their white ‘swirl’, which is copyrighted anyway.
12 They’re from America – and in typical American fashion – contribute a massive amount to the World’s rubbish.
13 The Coca-Cola brand ruined the 1996 Atlanta Olympics with all their fucking signage.
14 Some of the Diet Coke executives sit on the boards of American Companies whose goal is to [allegedly] destroy consumers freedom of choice.
15 We’re dead busy and I can’t afford my team to be pre-occupied like they were for ‘sausage’.
Is that enough?
It should be … unless you’re a [1] Coke exec, [2] A myopic American and/or [3] a total fool.
OK – so here’s my final pitch.
I once sat in a meeting in Atlanta where they proudly announced Coke and Diet Coke were the most loved brands in the World.
When I asked why, they said it was because their products sold in greater quantities than any other brand on the planet.
After I pointed out this simply meant they were the most well distributed brand in the World and it had no reflection on how much they were loved, I was ignored for the next month.
If you let Diet Coke win this competition then you are not only aiding in marketing delusion, but you’re going to make a brand with one of the biggest egos around put Bono into the shade.
Look despite all this negativity, I still drink the stuff like it’s going out of fashion [hell, I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs, I need one vice] and to be honest I don’t give a toss if you vote for Innocent or Spring Water – all I am asking is that in this competition you please, please, please DON’T vote for Diet Coke or Red Bull. Is that too much to ask?
Right, go and do your bit against globalisation [hahaha, that’s another reason] by clicking here.