The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Love Isn’t …
March 5, 2014, 6:13 am
Filed under: Comment

So I know the moment passed for this post a few weeks, however:

1. I think the issue I’m going to rant about goes
beyond this particular ‘special’ day.

2. That’s never stopped me in the past.

So what’s the story I’m threatening to bore you with?

Well, it’s this … about a month ago, I received this email:

Yes, it’s from NEST – those clever chaps who have just been bought by Google – but there’s a couple of things wrong with it.

The first is the whole ‘buy a smoke alarm or learning thermostat’ for your true love.

OK, so they had the good grace to point out it’s not very romantic [which is more than can be said for this] and – to be fair – if a woman bought it for a man, they’d probably like it because the real reason men want kids is because it gives them an excuse to buy a new DSLR camera [thank you Toby Young] but come on … can you imagine the face of your beloved if you handed this over on the 14th Feb?

It would similar to buying your wife some bathroom scales for Christmas or a new kitchen bin for their birthday [the first done by my Dad in a very rare moment of mental and the latter done by my best friend Paul, who to this day, continues to argue, “… but it was a bloody expensive bin”] which, let me tell you, does not get a positive response from the receiver, however good your intentions may have been.

I would love to know how many of these were purchased by guys for their other halves for Valentines Day. I’d also love to know how many of them are now single.

This whole ‘any excuse to get people to buy our stuff’ really gets on my nerves.

I particularly hate it when car manufacturers/dealers start running ads saying things like:

Show how much you love her this Valentines Day by buying her a new Toyota RAV 4

Look, I know the best presents are the ones you’d love to have but could never justify to buy yourself, but a new car – are you bloody kidding me?

Only the uber-rich, insecure or stalker would do such a thing … though I am sure they justify it by arguing it’s not really to sell cars on Valentines Day, but to get the public to start thinking about the idea of purchasing a new motor, which takes on average 13 weeks or so, before you actually take action.

That aside, another thing that annoys me is how these ads are always aimed at the man, have you noticed that?

Of course I understand why, but it annoys the hell out of me.

What next, running ads in the funeral column saying:

“Yes it’s sad they’ve died, so use the life insurance to cheer yourself up with a new BMW 3 series”


But the other reason this email is daft – and not just because I’m anti-Valentine’s Day – is because I already own all their products which is, I assume, how they got my details on their database list in the first place.

Yes, I appreciate they don’t know my marital status so they could argue I could still be in the market to buy one of their products for my significant other, but it all highlights the problem with database marketing … it tells you what happened, not why it happened, which ends up with brands cluttering inboxes with offers that people don’t want or make no sense.

The saving grace for NEST is – as I said – that they highlight they’re not your ‘typical’ Valentine’s gift and they genuinely make toptastic products, but it still bugs me I got sent this, but that could be because my metamorphosis into a Grumpy Old Man is nearly complete.


Always topical.

Comment by Bazza

hell be writing about the fucking titanic sinking tomorrow.

Comment by andy@cynic

1 thermostat, 8 smoke alarms and at least 7 pastel shades of romantically shaped tablets. What more could an evening require?

Comment by Chris

Anyone but Rob?

Comment by DH

Have you considered that Nest’s database knows you very well? There is plenty of evidence that you purchase things you don’t need or already own. iPads for example? While database marketing may not be able to explain the reasons behind your actions, I would argue this post shows the power of database marketing rather than their weakness.

Comment by George

what youre trying to say is nest knows the fucker loves himself and the best way to say it is to buy himself another fucking gadget on valentines day.

how fucking true.

jill on the other hand, got a packet of peanuts.

Comment by andy@cynic

the best present she could get from the tight fucker is a night off from having to deal with his whining fucking voice and stupid fucking face. shame he gets off being an annoying prick.

Comment by andy@cynic

Busted. Bugger.

Comment by Rob

Those things cost about $300 each. You can buy the same thing for about three quid in Tesco’s. So if you’re buying your loved one a box of nine NEST’s, that’s about $2,500. Where you live, you could buy her a fucking rickshaw for that. Besides which, don’t you live in a bamboo shed? If you knock over one of your candles, the place is gone before you can call the bucket brigade or empty your “jerry” on the flames. It’s all part of what is now known as “The Con of Everything.”
Cheers/George “AdScam” Parker

Comment by adscamgeorge

youre a fucking inspiration.

Comment by andy@cynic

That box contains 8 fire alarms and a thermostat. How hot do Nest think people like their homes to be?

Comment by Pete

Rob’s bamboo shed only has one room. And that’s where the “Jerry” is. But… it’s an “iJerry.”

Comment by adscamgeorge

You don’t want to know how accurate that comment is George. Not the bamboo bit, but the iJerry. Let’s leave it there shall we, for everyones sanity.

Comment by Rob

Your father and best friend are braver than the SAS. My weapon for valentines day continues to be flowers, dinner and a hastily chosen card.

Comment by Lee Hill

I’d rather get the frozen heart shaped chicken nuggets than a nest.

Comment by DH

But if you got a nest, you could sell it and buy multiple packs of frozen heart-shaped chicken nuggets. Think bigger Dave. Think bigger.

Comment by Rob

It seems to be left to me to point out that the real problem here is trying to stand out by advertising at the same time everybody else is advertising.

Comment by John

Doesn’t trying to sell a thermostat and fire alarm for valentines day do that naturally John?

Comment by Pete


Comment by John

I disagree with you then.

Comment by Pete

fight fight fight fight fight

Comment by andy@cynic

even if it would look like 2 dandelions battling against a mild wind in summer. fucking pathetic.

Comment by andy@cynic

I see both points, though in Pete’s defence, this is the ad I talked about despite being subjected to countless hundreds over the Valentines day build-up.

Comment by Rob

It’s just noise and not done distinctively enough. And to be clear, still referring to the Nest ad and not this blog.

Comment by John

Thanks for the support John. Thanks a lot.

Comment by Rob

In other news, this started out as an act of love and is a great story (and a doco sadly)

Comment by John

This is awesome. I particularly love this part of the story:

“He fashioned a sanitary pad out of cotton and gave it to Shanthi, demanding immediate feedback. She said he’d have to wait for some time – only then did he realise that periods were monthly. “I can’t wait a month for each feedback, it’ll take two decades!”

Comment by Rob

Are periods those things when women become possessed by the devil?

Comment by Billy Whizz

I can’t figure out why you’re not married Billy.

Comment by Rob

I had boss once who had her periods all wrong, once a month she was in a good mood.

Comment by northern

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