Filed under: Comment
First they make you wear this:
Then they expect you to eat this:
So fortunately for you all, I’m away running workshops for most of this week and then am off to Portland for most of next so this could quite possibly be the only post for the next couple of weeks.
Well, I say that, but given some of my workshop exercises involve me getting the participants to spend 2 hours doing stuff so I can go and potter about, maybe I’ll find the time to write some more inane drivel … at least for this week.
Anyway, on the off-chance my client reads this and insists I stay in the room for every minute of every hour of every day … I thought I’d cram in a little bit of fun and do a ‘BEST FOOD AT CHRISTMAS’ challenge.
I was going to do it like the classic ‘best meat’ competition of a few years back, but as that involves setting up agendas and specific polling booths, I thought I’d do it the easy way.
Below is a list of classic Christmas grub.
We have main course, dessert and – as a mindfuck [because I’m crazzzzzy] a christmas cracker … not the ones you put cheese on, but the ones you pull for a crap gift, crapper joke and stupid hat.
I was going to add in peanuts, brazil nuts and quality street, but I decided I couldn’t be arsed.
Anyway, all you have to do is vote for which one you think is the best/most important item that makes the food on the plate a meal of ultimate Christmas joy and if you want to give an explanation why in the comments, then be my guest.
If you have blogs, maybe you’d like to write something about it and try and get people to vote for your particular favourite – see how big we can make this – but I know it’s pretty weak and you have better things to do with your life, so feel free to ignore this final request like you ignore pretty much everything I say.
So ladies and gentlemen, start your forks and taste buds and decide which food item deserves the title ‘KING OF CHRISTMAS GRUB” and I’ll appoint the winner on my return this Friday.
Now I know some of you may think particular items of food are missing from this list, but I don’t care. You can say what I’ve missed out on in the comments, but the choices are fixed so stop bitching and start voting.
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Pigs in blankets, all the way.
Comment by Simon Kendrick December 6, 2010 @ 6:21 amwhat the fuck is a pig in a blanket except billys last fucking conquest? and how the fuck did you know i was getting you that jumper for christmas?
this is such a fucking lame attempt to please lauren and groper after they complained about the lack of a fucking meat off competition but ill play its christmas and a time of good cheer and happiness to fucking all. that and youre obviously going to be sacked in portland next week unless they freak out that youll be wearing your stupid fucking in minus godfuckingknows and think youre such a mental you may come back and do a columbine on their ass. they just need to remember youre an iti and get on with it.
off to fucking vote and if turkey doesnt win everyones a prick because it might be as dry as a nuns panties and taste of cardboard, but its fucking christmas through and fucking through. when else are you going to eat the amateur chicken?
Comment by andy@cynic December 6, 2010 @ 6:46 amPigs in blankets are the sausages wrapped in bacon.
Andy, you might be thinking of this
Comment by Simon Kendrick December 6, 2010 @ 6:51 amclose, but youve not seen the wilderbeast that has accepted billys die cast model of a cock inside them. though “inside them” is only a technical term, the reality is he could fuck a belly button and not touch the fucking sides.
Comment by andy@cynic December 6, 2010 @ 7:20 amAt least the love me for me, not for my wallet.
Comment by Billy Whizz December 6, 2010 @ 7:23 amthats because you havent got any.
Comment by andy@cynic December 6, 2010 @ 7:36 amWhy Billy keeps talking to you is beyond me. Then again, truth hurts, ha!
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 8:27 amNuns panties?
Just when I thought we couldn’t go any lower on this blog.
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 8:33 amoh theres plenty more fucking depth this blog can reach. and dont blame me campbell, youre pushing it there everytime you write some of your fucking drivel.
Comment by andy@cynic December 6, 2010 @ 8:41 amI’m very disappointed you weren’t aware of the pigs in jackets moniker Andy. They epitomise Christmas for me and I have cast my vote.
Comment by Lee Hill December 6, 2010 @ 1:33 pmyou know you should go to portland with a stopover through san francisco don’t you?
oh, and yorkshire pudding (that should be my new nickname) is the king all year round
Comment by Gareth December 6, 2010 @ 6:47 amdo you realise what you just campbell to do? madman.
and yorkshires rock the fucking world but theyre not unique to christmas. look at me being a planning pedantic wanker. fuck.
Comment by andy@cynic December 6, 2010 @ 7:38 amHello … I am trying to, but the fucking airlines are full and at this moment, I’m going through Vancouver.
And no Andy, that doesn’t mean you can get me to do some painting at Chez Boucher!
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 8:28 amvanfuckingcouver. you fucking are coming to see me. i have tea to be made because i sure as fuck dont trust you with a paintbrush or hammer.
Comment by andy@cynic December 6, 2010 @ 8:42 amdon’t you guys have delta as an account? tell them to sort it out. esme needs her introduction to the alien known as a ‘nottingham forest fan’
Comment by Gareth December 6, 2010 @ 2:22 pmI’m only allowed to fly Virgin – and after my recent BA/Air France nightmare, I’m sticking with them where poss, haha!
And besides, why would you subject Esme to such horror, unless it’s your way of ensuring she gives you no trouble in 2011?
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 2:51 pmyou thick or sick bastard. theres no fucking turkey to vote for. well ill be fucked if im voting till youve sorted that out. prick.
no fucking turkey. you did it as a shit joke didnt you. twat.
Comment by andy@cynic December 6, 2010 @ 6:48 amI’m thick. I can’t believe I forgot to do that.
Making ammends right now.
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 8:29 amtwat.
Comment by andy@cynic December 6, 2010 @ 8:43 amI’m not saying my family were poor but or Christmas, the cracker was the present. For everyone. Every year. Same cracker for 10 years so that gets my vote for King of Christmas.
Is turkey like roadkill? That was our Christmas dinner for 10 years.
Comment by Billy Whizz December 6, 2010 @ 7:16 amand you still laugh at the fucking joke dont you.
Comment by andy@cynic December 6, 2010 @ 7:21 amClassics last.
Comment by Billy Whizz December 6, 2010 @ 7:24 amJust like people who are 40 say “40 is the new 30”.
We all know it’s bollocks, we just play along incase one day we need to proclaim such rubbish.
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 8:30 amHe ate the turkey.
Comment by John December 6, 2010 @ 7:43 amfucking did the bastard.
Comment by andy@cynic December 6, 2010 @ 8:09 amTurkey and cranberry sandwiches. Yum.
Though I’ve only just got back into liking them after my Dad bought the most ridiculous sized turkey ever for one Christmas and I was having turkey & cranberry sandwiches in my school packed lunch for about 5 months. And sadly that’s not a joke.
Our freezer was heaving with the bloody thing.
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 8:32 amIt’s the only stuffing you’ll be doing this year Mr Dodds.
Not for lack of trying though … ha.
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 8:32 amwhy the fuck have you turned into jim fucking davidson?
Comment by andy@cynic December 6, 2010 @ 8:43 amRoast Turkey is now ‘up’.
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 8:36 amSo I’m presuming vegetarians aren’t invited to the Campbell household this Christmas. In that case, I vote sausages wrapped in bacon.
Comment by Pete December 6, 2010 @ 8:40 amJill was a veggie for 12 years and wasn’t married.
Jill turns to meet and gets married within months.
Coincidence? I don’t think so …
Forget Oprah, this is the sort of advice the ladies really need, ha!
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 10:27 amWhat the fuck is bread sauce?
Comment by DH December 6, 2010 @ 10:04 amA weapon of mass disgusting.
Bread & Butter pudding?
Oh yes …
Bread sauce?
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 10:26 amGod please no …
Bugger off, it’s by far the best thing on that list.
Although you forgot lobster and oysters, which would win.
Comment by Angus December 6, 2010 @ 3:14 pmNone of that Aussie Christmas shit I’m afraid Angus.
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 4:04 pmThis is the first time I hear of Lobster and Oysters at a Christmas dinner, but I can certainly get behind that idea.
How many people need to back something before it makes the shortlist?
Comment by Rafik December 7, 2010 @ 7:07 am21.8 million Rafik. (Australian population)
Comment by Angus December 9, 2010 @ 7:49 amBaked sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top – how did you miss this American classic?
I’m cooking Christmas dinner and an English friend has offered to make bread sauce. Looking forward to having that mystery revealed to me.
Comment by Heather December 6, 2010 @ 3:17 pmMarshmallows on sweet potato?
Were you Elvis’ cook in a past life???
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 4:04 pmDon’t forget the greenbeans+ cream of mushroom soup + french’s crispy onions on top = casserole. Delish.
Comment by Heather December 6, 2010 @ 4:26 pmBread Sauce all the way.
Comment by Mrskay December 6, 2010 @ 3:29 pmAnd put any left overs in the fridge, slice and add to turkey and stuffing sandwiches. I’m drooling so much I may have to go and make up one of my contraband packets right now….
YOU
ARE
MAD
Bread sauce? BREAD SAUCE??
Even the name is wrong …
I am very concerned you and Angus may start lobbying for this. It’s ‘sausage’ picketing all over again.
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 4:06 pmI like Angus
Comment by MrsKay December 7, 2010 @ 1:17 pmBut I’m scared of Andy – I really believe he may hunt me down – and my new friend Angus
Comment by MrsKay December 7, 2010 @ 1:18 pma vote for sprouts, sautéed in butter with brown sugar, is a vote for summer sun in midwinter.
Comment by Chris December 6, 2010 @ 4:06 pmSprouts? SPROUTS??
I must admit, I am slowly – after 40 years – turning into an advocate of the sprout. But as the food item that turns a meal into a Christmas meal??? You must have a very tough life.
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 4:08 pmYou young people have it easy.
On a good year we’d get one each.
Comment by Chris December 6, 2010 @ 4:23 pmInteresting ‘Christmas Pud’ hasn’t got a single vote yet. I must admit I hate the stuff [as I hate Christmas Cake] but at least it’s true to the season … unlike Yorkshire Pud and Bread bloody Sauce.
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 4:14 pm20 kilo roast suckling pig, grilled veg in olive oil,roasted potatoes, bacon, russian salad, wine, vodka, home made bread
but out of your list i’d go for the bacon wrapped sausage
Comment by niko December 6, 2010 @ 6:01 pmI was going to vote for sausages in bacon, until I remembered that EVERYTHING on that plate tastes better with yorkshire pudding.
Comment by Rob Mortimer December 6, 2010 @ 7:09 pmGrilled panda on a bed of blanched celeriac, liberally drizzled with a festive jus.
Comment by Tarquin December 6, 2010 @ 7:30 pmThe Chinese Government would like a word …
Comment by Rob December 6, 2010 @ 8:52 pmA vote for Sprouts is a Vote for Summer. http://cjhurst.posterous.com/a-vote-for-sprouts-is-a-vote-for-summer
Comment by The Brassica Appreciation Society December 7, 2010 @ 4:16 amsomeone is lobbying for fucking sprouts? fuck me, thats like lobbying for palin. if someone pushes bread fucking sauce or parsnips i may have to turn violent.
Comment by andy@cynic December 7, 2010 @ 5:59 amThe sprouts, definitely the sprouts – it’s all about the sprouts.
Comment by Rantz December 7, 2010 @ 6:07 amThe Cracker, never know whats for christmas dinner in this part of the world. One year it is Malaysian food, another its roast chicken, another year it’s just beer.
Comment by Jacob December 7, 2010 @ 10:55 amcustard, ask Northern, I used to have it for lunch on its own (or maybe he didn’t notice that)
Comment by andreea December 7, 2010 @ 9:01 pmseems I’m not the only one since it’s in the lead now. hah
Comment by andreea December 7, 2010 @ 9:02 pmid rather have custard on my fucking turkey than bread sauce.
Comment by andy@cynic December 7, 2010 @ 10:31 pmCustard is universal, you can have it on anything. Anything.
Comment by andreea December 7, 2010 @ 11:07 pmandy, there’s no way this is equivalent to meat wars – rob’s just leveraging christmas, like any good ad lad.
in light of the northern-hemisphere-focused and meat-heavy fare, i’ll be the only one voting for christmas pudding. poor pudding.
Comment by lauren December 8, 2010 @ 2:25 amthe only thing hes leveraging is his fucking laziness.
and christmas fucking pud? fuck me lauren, krautland has fucking made you soft.
come on campbell, move this on, i was fucking bored of it 10 seconds after you wrote it so now im in the same state i get after watching 9 seconds of 60 fucking minutes and thats call 911 standard.
Comment by andy@cynic December 8, 2010 @ 6:54 amhow the fuck is custard in the lead? vote rigging on a state of fucking florida scale.
turkey twats of the world, ufuckingnite.
Comment by andy@cynic December 8, 2010 @ 7:54 amI would have voted Turkey, but you didn’t seperate white and dark meat so I’m abstaining as a matter of principle.
Comment by northern groper December 8, 2010 @ 7:17 pmAnd where is the roast goose?
look at princess fucking northern.
and whats this goose shit? real northerners think rats are caviar so just who the fuck are you?
Comment by andy@cynic December 8, 2010 @ 9:33 pmI’m a planner that already disqualifies me as a real northener.
Comment by northern groper December 8, 2010 @ 9:44 pmAnd, tapping Yorkshire genes screaming for acknowledgement, for your information, Yorkshire Pudding is supposed to be served on it’s own, as a starter with nothing but gravy NEVER with the main event.
At least I’m not asking for head of boar, which was the other thing we used to eat before turkey took over
being a planner disqualifies you from being a member of the human fucking race.
Comment by andy@cynic December 9, 2010 @ 2:33 amI don’t know what shocks me more, NP’s “Chrimbo Geese” declaration or the current lead of custard in the poll. Something dodgy is going on … which means this poll is just like real democracy. But come on, custard can’t be the food group that makes a meal a Christmas meal can it??? I mean I love custard and all that, but the ‘King of Christmas Grub?’ Really??!! Tell me it can’t be so. Then again we are talking about people who come here in the first place.
Comment by Rob December 9, 2010 @ 7:44 amit’s christmas rob. that’s what’s wrong. christmas.
Comment by lauren December 9, 2010 @ 8:44 amWhat on earth do you have custard with? Please don’t say Christmas puddingm is nothing sacred? Nothing?
Comment by northern groper December 9, 2010 @ 6:07 pmon it’s own as a starter. With gravy.
Comment by Chris December 9, 2010 @ 8:19 pmChris, my kind of person.
Comment by andreea December 9, 2010 @ 8:19 pmIs that supposed to be fucking funny?
Comment by northern groper December 9, 2010 @ 9:33 pmenough of this shit campbell, havent you got other shit to offend us with.
and custard winning is proof democracy is fucking wank.
Comment by andy@cynic December 9, 2010 @ 11:59 pm