The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

If You Are What You Eat, I’m Fucked …
October 28, 2010, 6:25 am
Filed under: Comment

So I’m doing a bit of a weird experiment at the moment – actually I’m doing a couple – and as usual, I would really appreciate your help with them.

Both are kind of inter-related, however I am approaching them as quite separate entities.

This first experiment requires you to look at the picture below and tell me what food is on the plate.

The only clue I can give you is that it is from a UK pub and it’s supposedly a traditional Sunday ‘roast’.

I know the temptation will be to either [1] take the piss or [2] just write down what you know represents a traditional British roast meal – but if you could at least pay some attention to what you think is on the plate, that would be awesome.

And yes, I did eat it.

Every last bit of it.

And I spent the next day sat on the toilet groaning and – like a person who is hungover – swearing I would never do it again.

Anyway thanks, you have no idea how useful your thoughts will be.

63 Comments so far
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thanks for making me fucking homesick you prick. only england can have food that looks like shit but tastes like heaven.

i know exactly whats on that plate including the stuff thats about as traditional as satan worship on christmas day but lets see the culinary skills of the other fuckers who have been sentenced to spend time on this bollocks.

seeing that gluttony explosion reminds me why jamie oliver can stick his healthy eating up his mockney fucking arse.

Comment by andy@cynic

And I thought Jamie was your mate …

Comment by Rob

the fact you fucking remembered that and could find it amongst this blog of shit shows i was right about how much of a star fucker you are. cock.

Comment by andy@cynic

The only mystery element is the meat – its unidentifiable so Im going with deep fried curried gerbil.

Comment by John

Good point John but they lash on so much of it on the plate that I’m thinking more collie dog than gerbil.

Comment by Rob

Apart from the undercooked boiled potatoes, overcooked roast potatoes, and tasteless creamed potatoes?

Comment by Billy Whizz

what the fuck would you know about taste, the beer you fuckers rave about is warm piss.

Comment by andy@cynic

Showing your culturally sensitive side again Andy. But Billy deserved it for his highly inflammatory and racist comment.

Comment by Rob

Where’s the yorkshire pudd? That’s a fake roast. Did you get it in China.

Comment by DH

It’s at the back Dave – it’s only a roast when a yorkshire pudding in on the plate.

Comment by Rob

Is that onion gravy or plain bisto Robert?

And do my eyes deceive me or is there lettuce on there?

David may be right, it could be an imitation Sunday roast copy or a cheap pub who wishes to make the meal look better value for money by adding any item that will make the plate appear to be overloaded.

Comment by George

fuck me theres lettuce. whoever put that on the plate should be fucking shot. like the twat who ate it and gave the impression that is fucking acceptable behaviour.

note theres a fucking ‘u’ in behaviour george.

Comment by andy@cynic

I should have known I’d find abuse rather than responses. This doesn’t bode well for tomorrow when I tell you about something where your input is even more vital.

It is not a Chinese copy of a British Sunday roast – it’s from a pub in Wollaton in Nottingham – however George is showing his brain chops again because it was [1] very cheap [about 2 quid 99] and [2] filled with an array of stuff that transcends normal roast options in an attempt for the pub to look even better value for money.

They had chicken tikka for godsake.

And I’ve been told that the photo above is not my plate – but Paul’s, my best [gay] friend which makes me feel relieved because the thought of me succumbing to none-trad roast stuff when I’m so starved of that in Asia made me very worried indeed.

Oh, and it was most definitely Bisto gravy. Well, it was probably a cheap copy of Bisto but it was still gravy and that’s all that mattered.

Comment by Rob

nottingham? thats worse than china for fucking fakes isnt it. i hear theyve produce a fuck load of fake planners as well. those nottingham fuckers are sick.

Comment by andy@cynic

You’re right Andy – but there’s not many of them on the market because people have found they stop working within a few hours.

Comment by Rob

HOME!!! Well, until I went veggie…
There you have a classic roast chicken with all the trimmings. I’m talking broccoli, stuffing, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshire pudding and roast potatoes. Not to mention – heaps of bisto gravy.
Eat one of these and you are guaranteed not to walk for hours – the key is not to wear a belt.

Comment by Jess B

Hi Jess, how are you?

You summed that up pretty well … though I must admit the way you expressed yourself sounds awfully like you wish you could turn your back on veggiedom and sink your teeth into a nice roast.

Hey, if you do, you can blame me.

My wife was a vegetarian for 12 years then met me, and within 3 weeks she was asking for a bacon sandwich. That’s true … though I don’t know what the hell it means about me.

Comment by Rob

It looks like squid at the front – yuk
And tortellini at 8 o’clock.
Big helping of cauli though.

PS Sorry I haven’t sworn.

Comment by MrsKay



You can tell who is the posh bastard on this blog can’t you.

And the ‘tortellini’ are spuds. Or sprouts. Not sure, but it’s definitely not tortellini. Stop living the American Dream and get back home before it’s too late.

Oh, and hello – it’s lovely to have you pop by.

Comment by Rob

I only said what I thought it looked like – I thought you said my thoughts would be useful?

Comment by MrsKay

Your thoughts are very useful and I’m very appreciative – but I’m an opinionated sod so what do you expect, hahaha.

Comment by Rob

wouldnt squid actually kill you campbell?

wish it was fucking squid.

Comment by andy@cynic

Thanks. Means a lot to me.

Comment by Rob

I don’t see the point of going into the details here. What matters to me is that it has the key components of epicurean euphoria: meat, spuds and gravy. And it’s a massive serving. Awesome.

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

Of all the people on here, I know you are the one who appreciates it most. Brings back memories of Bangkok eh? Or the Mandarin.

Comment by Rob

Yes, it does bring back memories. Do you fancy a follow-up session any time soon?

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

Is the Pope Catholic?

Will be there soon matey. Can’t wait …

Comment by Rob

fried brains, a slice of random slime, congealing blood of a 5-year-old frog and a cut of thigh from an old turtle. a meal that terry pratchet and your precious JK Rowling would be proud of.

Comment by lauren

Your comment begs the question: are you in Amsterdam by any chance?

Comment by Rob

i am now. but i wasn’t then. i’m warped enough without pot.

Comment by lauren

It looks like something my mum would have made – potatoes, potatoes, potatoes, more potatoes, bit of overcooked cabbage, a sausage, a few more potatoes for the taste of it, all topped off with congealed brown fat pretending to be gravy. Classic Northern cuisine. All brings a warm glow to my bowels.

Comment by martin

Seems I had a shit childhood Martin. I’ll be having words with my Mum immediately.

Comment by Rob

too many vegetables
broccoli, potatoes, chicken, lettuce, looks like a slice of fried fish on the right, baby kailan bottom left, no mash? looks like it’s on a small plate

Comment by jacob

Hello mate – how the hell are you, it’s been ages. All well?

What the fuck do you mean ‘no mash’ … what do you think that big dollop of errrrm, dollop is on top of all the other dollop?

Comment by Rob

all is well, trying to follow your lead of getting clients to build bikes.

that mash looks like soggy colliflower, big turn off.

Comment by jacob

Roast dinner from Central Casting. Delivered round the back of the pub in a microwaveable bag with a sachet of gravy.

See if it’s not.

Comment by Chris

Ruin it why don’t you Chris.

Comment by Rob

Spending too much time round the food industry at present. Can spot a Brake Brothers at 100 paces.

Comment by Chris

Just had a HUGe breakfast now this visual !

baked potato
fried potato

Comment by bhaskar

I thought all the white glob was mashed potatoes but after looking carefully, I realised in horror that some of it is cauliflower. I can’t figure out what the other white stuff are. A bit of it looks like pasta. I see a bit of onion. Maybe it’s just potatoes. That brown ball looks like croquette. Is this actually a dish?

I’ve never seen anything like this before. I don’t know if the brown sauce (looks like worcester sauce), but it looks really sour.

Comment by naoko

That ‘brown sauce’ is fucking amazing. I’m going to expose you to it when I’m in NYC.

As for the croquette. That’s stuffing – one of God’s greatest inventions.

God, the World thinks English food is shit but they know nothing.

Comment by Rob

I think I’ve figured out the identity of the brown sauce! Does it start with the letter ‘m’? I’ve never had it before.

Comment by naoko

M? What the hell are you thinking of … that’s very scary indeed.

Comment by Rob


Comment by naoko

Well, that little experiment went swimmingly didn’t it?

Comment by The Kaiser

Yes. I’m very worried about tomorrow’s now.

How are you my little chipmunk.

Comment by Rob

not too bad actually.

Comment by Marcus

Too many comments
Cauliflower, roast spuds, boiled spuds, mashed potato, brocolli, Yorshire Pudding, cabbage, gravey, fuck knows what kind of meat
I was having our chef’s prized fish and chips for lunch, don’t think i’ll bother I feel billious just looking at this picture.
Was that your intention in some sort of group psychology experiment? We’ll I defy you, I will eat my fish and chips come what may, WITH mushy peas

Comment by northern


When I first explained those to my wife, she looked like she wanted to call the Police and now she can’t wait to get to the chippy when we land in Blighty.

More evidence that our food might look like muck but tastes of heaven. Or something.

Comment by Rob

Just reas a few comments, missed brown sauce and stuffing, bollocks

Comment by northern

Incidentally,brown sauce can be the magic ingredient in chilli con carne. Just saying.
Now leave me alone, I’m busy, As evil fate would have it, thinking about bloody frozen burgers

Comment by northern

are you talking about food or the fuckers at the disruption agency? both dead meat so thought id better fucking clarify.

Comment by andy@cynic

Thought I was on about the food, not entirely sure now

Comment by northern

Looks like fried Davros…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

As i recall it was…. Roast Beef, Roast Pork, Roast Potatoes, Boiled Potatoes, Mash Potatoes, Roast Parsnips, Cabbage, Brocoli, Cauliflower Cheese, Yorkshire Pudding, Roast Onions, Mashed Swede, Pees, and Stuffing, all drizzled with a horseradish gravy, and it was bloody lovely……can’t quite remember what we had for pudding though??? was it bread and butter pudding or treacle sponge ?????

Comment by Paul Hill

come on hill, we both know it would be treacle sponge as long as there was a river of fucking custard for him to drown it in. hes so fucking food basic.

Comment by andy@cynic

I hope it wasn’t parsnips because I’m allergic to them!

Comment by Rob

Rob, its definitely your plate as Pauls was dripping gravy off the side and I was ready to kill him! Shall we book for next Sunday but only if you and he promise to be bit less greedy this time.

Comment by Shelly

Let me guess – the pulman carvery ?

Comment by BTBB

No… the Rancliffe arms at Bunny.

Comment by Paul Hill

Not the best advert for them – really its much better that Robs photo makes out.

Comment by Shelly

Looks like a vegetarian Sunday roast.

Comment by Charles

mashed potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, pork?, lots of gravy, close slaw, I think I see an onion…

Comment by katie

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