The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

What Not To Wear …
August 1, 2008, 7:15 am
Filed under: Comment

Trinny & Susanah

As this is the last blog post for a while as I bugger off again, I thought I’d see if I could engage you all in a bit of a social experiment.

Basically I want to see your bad taste. No, commenting on this blog is not enough, I want to see when your judgement and taste really deserted you – or, if you’re feeling brave/stupid – your other halves.

What I’m after is a photo [either sent in to me or appearing on your own blogs] of the worst item of clothing currently in your wardrobe.

I appreciate that many of you – like me – might of chucked the really horrendous stuff for fear of being arrested by either the style Police or Trinny and Susannah – however, of what is in there now, I’d like to see the most horrendous thing you own … either because someone who hates you [even though they pretend to love you] bought it for your displeasure or you had a brain aneurism and bought it yourself.

To get things going, I hereby present the 2 horrors in my household …

[I would of got us to model them but [1] Jill was at work and [2] there’s already enough shocking photos of me flying around so I just couldn’t be bothered]

Rob’s Wardrobe Nightmare

30/07/2008 by you.

OK so the cat likes it but she’s likes everything!

Now I know this might not seem too bad – but that’s because [1] the photo doesn’t do it justice and [2] one of the benefits of moving countries all the time is that you chuck out all the really horrendous stuff every couple of years.

And while it might not be as disgusting as the neon lilac and green jackets I had … or the baggy paint splattered skater trousers … or the fucking black leather waistcoat [the 80’s were really fucked weren’t they!] it’s still a bright fucking red, baggy kaftan which doesn’t exactly do a bald, blind, whiter-than-white bloke from Nottingham any justice.

Jill’s Wardrobe Nightmare

30/07/2008 by you.

Jesus fucking christ!

When even the cat is trying to hide from it, you know it’s shit. Actually it’s worse than shit – it makes Stevie Wonder glad he’s blind.

To be fair to Jill, even she realised it was horrendous the moment she got it home – to the point it has never [and never will] see sunlight – but it’s still in her wardrobe which has to be contravening some Singaporean law or something.

It’s like an aerial view of some war massacre – with every colour and pattern competing with itself.

The only people who would like it are the cross-dressing community in San Fran, but as glad as I’d be to get it out the house for once and all, I can’t let Jill take it out in public – even in a plastic bag – because knowing our luck we’d be stopped for some driving violation and then get thrown in Alcatraz for owning clothing of mass humiliation.

Infact it’s so horrendous, I don’t want to give it any more publicity so moving quickly on …


OK folks, I’ve aired our dirty laundry [not literally, it’s a figure of speech] so fling open those drawers, pull out your clothing skeletons and show the World you’re a reformed character … I promise I won’t hold it against you, though whether your family will is another thing altogether, ha!

I won’t say there’ll be no blogging for another month because that will plainly be untrue – but there certainly won’t be as much as there has this week [can you tell I’ve been at home, haha] however when I return properly, I hope to have some rather interesting news – well interesting for me/us, not you lot who plainly [and quite understandably] couldn’t give a toss.

See you soon …

PS: I know it would be the worst thing you own Andy, but please – no photos of you in your birthday suit πŸ™‚

26 Comments so far
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what is it campbell? isnt humiliating your wife with those fucking jillyism enough? surely the ugliest thing she has is her bastard husband? at this rate youll soon be experiencing the same acid enema pain of divorce that ive had except youll fucking deserve every second of it and only have yourself to blame.

you were so close to me finally liking an idea of yours but you had to fuck it up by taking a pathetic swing at me so enjoy your moment in the sun campbell because i have a fate worse than death planned for revenge: dinner. mary bryant. steak knife. conversation. causally drop in you publically ridiculed your wife. and her dress sense. eyes. blood. death.


Comment by andy@cynic

does bad, bad choice of cat collars count ?

Comment by fan

cat collars? you kinky bastard/bitch

Comment by andy@cynic

Oh dear Robert, oh dear oh dear oh dear.

Can I please come to your dinner? It would be like a WWF show but with food πŸ™‚

Comment by Pete

It is rare for me to agree with Andrew on matters of the heart but I am forced to make an exception on this occasion.

It is not all bad news though Robert, the confidence you must have in your marriage is admirable.

Comment by Lee Hill

I learned yesterday that 80% of UK clothing purchases remained unworn. If only you followed that pattern.

Comment by Man at C&A.

How come you didn’t put the spotlight on your huge collection of camouflage birkenstocks? They’re vulgar.

Comment by Bazza

i don’t have a pic, but i used to have a bright, bright, bright fluoro orange jumper that i wore once to work with short denim shorts and GI boots. i got hassled so badly from colleagues (justifiably so) that i got rid of it asap.

other than that, i still have the very first dress i bought from an op shop. it’s ugly as sin and currently has a role as a hair-dying dress, but i still love it.

Comment by lauren

I have a truly ugly shirt.

Comment by Marcus

Come on Marcus and Lauren – put em up, I can’t be the only fool who has done this. Well, I can be – so I guess what I’m asking is if you’ll help me NOT be the only fool πŸ™‚

Comment by Rob way Campbell. You’re on your own with this one.

Comment by Marcus

i don’t have a camera, so you’ll have to stew. but if i do eventually post a pic, it’ll be to save jill’s arse, not yours rob. sorry, as much as i love you, jill deserves a break with this one. and believe me, my dress will make hers look like a vera wang.

Comment by lauren

Yeah – all take her side why don’t you πŸ™‚

Comment by Rob

I once ownneda towelling shirt. I thought it was cool, it wasn’t

Comment by northern

Actually, I’m quite liking that red stripey shirt. Want to sell it? What size are you?

Comment by neilperkin


Comment by John

ask for a discount neil, clothing associated with campbell is like being related to pol pot

but good news, im going to make the fucker send it to you, i want to see you wearing it neil, i want to see the tears in your eyes

Comment by andy@cynic

He’s not joking Neil, I’ve just been woken up by a phonecall from him, telling me to send it to you, so email me your address and one Large [not supersize, you cheeky bastard Dodds] Red Top thing will wing its way over.

Whether it will get through customs is another thing πŸ™‚

Comment by Rob

Excellent news. I suppose it’s only fair I post a picture of me in said shirt after I get it…

Comment by neilperkin

fuck me, he wants it. what a fucking gypsy. can i interest you in buying tower bridge neil?

Comment by andy@cynic

better wash it first campbell, you dont want neil to find any monica lewinsky dress type stains on it, that would do your reputation no good at all πŸ™‚

this is fucking brilliant, its like saturday swap shop, rob hands over his crap shirt and neil sends over his fucking dignity. what am i offered for a bald nottingham planner? bucket of shit? fair trade

Comment by andy@cynic

It’s arrived…

Comment by neilperkin

The deckchair/shirt has been spotted in public…

Comment by neilperkin

You mad … sad … bad fool …

Still, it shows you have the Dunkirk spirit … never surrender, whatever the odds.

Comment by Rob

I seriously love Rob’s shirt. The cat’s cute too.

Comment by lee

however much campbell paid you to say that, youre selling yourself way too fucking short.

Comment by andy@cynic

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