The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Growing Old On The Outside, Growing [More] Immature On The Inside …
April 18, 2008, 7:15 am
Filed under: Comment

When I was young I liked practical jokes – giving rather than receiving.

[I’m so generous eh!?]

Anyway, given the shit I subjected Emah to last week [changing around all the letters on her keyboard etc etc] it would seem I still am very capable of being a complete pain in the ass, however if definitive proof  was needed of my sad bastard credentials, this will probably do the trick.

So last night I was at the shop, carefully minding my own business when I saw this …


Now to my friends who do not reside in England, on first impressions you may think this is just an innocent stick of Wrigley’s – however you would be wrong.

You see it has been purposefully made to look like a regular pack of Wrigley’s so that your friend will happily accept your kind offer of the last stick of chewing gum.

Except there’s a twist …

You see as they eagerly pull on the stick, they don’t get a nice fresh stick of chewy – oh no – they get a shock, a shock that only a 5 year finds funny.


Now when I was a kid – which admittedly is before oxygen was invented – the ‘shock’ was that there was a mini-mousetrap-esque contraption at the end of the stick so the recipient would get a playful nip on the edge of their nail when the stick had been fully removed – however we live in different times from then so now when you pull the stick out, not only do you get the mini-mousetrap-esque feature, you also get this …


A fucking nail smacking cockroach. Lovely.

To be honest, given this was built in China, I was half expecting the ‘beast’ to be real – but luckily it’s just the usual plastic shit we’ve come to love and expect – however this has rapidly taken over my genius ring trick, so if you meet me and I offer you a stick of gum, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I really don’t know why I wasted your time writing this post, it’s pointless and shit isn’t it.

Sorry – I must have manflu or something – and what’s worse is I’ll never get those few minutes back I wasted on this back.

Oh bless, there’s some nice men in white jackets asking me to try a jacket on that has no sleeves … better go then. Ta-ra.

31 Comments so far
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yesterday you were all mr “care about the community” and today youre the kind of nutter who belongs in community care.


at least it explains the real reason why emah fucked off and who can blame her when she had mr bipolar as her boss

love you

Comment by andy@cynic

ha yeah I used to love that mousetrap trick, this one is taking it to the next level… now that’s is the best kind of simple innovation!

we also has another one which was a little paper bag which had “warning rattle snake eggs” written on it. and then when you opened the bad there was a contraption in there with an wound up elastic that would unwind and hit the edges of the bag making a sound like a live rattle snake. the amount of people we got with that… hehe so lame, ahhhh memories.

Comment by Age

your winter evenings must simply fly by age

Comment by andy@cynic

do you wanna see some rattle snake eggs Andy??

Comment by Age

when you’re in melbourne next, rob. you need to pop into Bernard’s Magic Shop.. it’s full of those tricks.

and while i was too jaded to fall for any of those snap tricks as a child, a whoopee cushion and fake poo still never fails to amuse 🙂

Comment by lauren

Funny that this “nail smacking cockroach” should be just above a picture of your friend with a bloody finger tip…

Comment by Dave Mortimer

When we were kids and used to hang in the city on holidays, we’d literally spend hours in Bernard’s, Lauren. One of the coolest places in Melbourne no doubt!!

Comment by Age

only if theyre done sunny side up age.

and whats all this “jaded” shit lauren, dont you mean intellectually superior? well compared to campbell and age.

mind you thats not saying much is it 🙂

Comment by andy@cynic

you crazy aussie kids hanging at magic shops. mental.

where did you hang out as a kid in nottingham campbell? glue sniffing centres?

i bet shane meadows “this is england” was a documentary for you wasnt it.

fuck this, im off to get ready for the royal visit ( princess campbell) so try not to miss me too much ladies. and age

Comment by andy@cynic

Andy once tried to convince me to pick up some fake dog poo he claimed he’d brought into the office. I was just about to pick it up when I sensed a lingering aroma and realised it was actually a real dog shit courtesy of Max our office dog.

When he realised I’d not fallen for his little “joke” he went into a mood for the rest of the day. Emah doesn’t know how lucky she was not being based in NY with us.

Comment by Bazza

You can tell Andy is bored can’t you? He’s gone on the ‘attack’ from the very first comment. Bless

For your information, THIS IS ENGLAND was not a documentary for me, mainly because I lived in classic middle-class West Bridgford where all those ‘roughfians’ were at The Meadows, about 2 miles away.

The only time I interacted with them was if I rode my bike to the city centre and then I’d have to endure abuse and the odd stone as I cycled like an Olympian to get through the place in one piece, ha!

Why is it all the roughest parts of cities tend to have lovely names? Oh the irony …

And don’t blame us for our love of childhood tricks Andy. You’d know the allure of ‘magic’ if you’d ever been a child, but as we all know you were born aged 40 and grumpy 🙂

And Bazza, I can only apologise for that sick and stupid stunt. Sure I laughed myself like a fool when I heard about it but it wasn’t big or clever and represents one of the worst acts of corporate manipulation I’ve ever heard. I’d suggest sueing but you have enough money already.

You can tell it’s Friday can’t you … and thank god for that!

Comment by Rob

I’d not heard that story about Bazza before, hilarious. I love how you guys are keeping advertising stupid 🙂

Comment by Pete

Care in the community to community care Andy!

That’s awesome that is… 🙂

Comment by Charles Frith

Don’t encourage him Charles …

Comment by Rob

Man I left a comment on your flickr photo for these. They used to annoy the hell out of me. Same goes for jelly snakes. UGH. They were shit cheap (10p?) and we’d find them everywhere. Everyfuckingwhere. Bags, coat pockets, between papers. They fucking ruined my childhood! It’s why I ended up the psycho I am now probably

Comment by Andrea

You sound like you were made to work at cynic Andrea. Apply, you’re a dead cert 🙂

Comment by Bazza

They’re still reasonable people, I’d make them go out of business!

Comment by Andrea

talk like that wont get you a job with us andrea, we make pol pot look reasonable and any comment to the contrary is a fucking lie

Comment by andy@cynic

These guys taught me all I know.

Comment by Pol Pot.

I know, it’s just to annoy people

Comment by Andrea

hi pol, hows the cookery classes going? hilter says hi but george w is upset youve not given him back his fucking knitting pattern yet

youre alright andrea, you dont swear like lauren but youre alright

Comment by andy@cynic

this is how you treat old friends Andy? no honorable mention for you friends from montenegro and the former Balkan countries??

after I offered you top talent for your Campbell problem?

Comment by slobodan milosevic

Rumour had it you were having a party without me. This, comrades, is unacceptable

Comment by nicolae ceausescu

milo, tovaras, how’s business going? good? good.

Comment by nicolae ceausescu

ain’t no party like former communist dictator party.. Nicolae u old are you?

Comment by slobodan milosevic

I’m orrite. How in the devil are you?

Comment by nicolae ceausescu

killing time mostly, but not to bad…not to bad

Comment by slobodan milosevic

hello chaps

Comment by winnie c

Andrea is fine by me – she has my blog listed under “inspiration and aspiration” and this one under “anger and frustration”!

Comment by John

I’d file my own under ‘pscyho b*tch’ but I thought advertising my own blog on the same website is a tad rude

Comment by Andrea

ive had a fucking crap day and i think its karma for me laughing at all this dictator shit which means its all your fault you fucking bastards.

and i have the joy of campbell in a few hours, karma is one mean and tough fuck

Comment by andy@cynic

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