The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

This Warms The Cockles Of My Cold, Cold Heart …
October 11, 2007, 5:55 am
Filed under: Comment

So I was walking down Collins Street in Melbourne yesterday, when I saw this …


… and you know what, it cheered me up no end.

Now I know that makes me sound a complete and utter bastard, but because I was having a bad day, it made me feel good to know someone out there was having an even shitter Wednesday!

Maybe that’s why people like watching Jerry Springer – because however ever bad their situation is, they still are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better off than any of the individuals appearing [or should that be humiliating] themselves on International television.

Anyway, back to the clamped-up-car.

Lets face it, if the vehicle above was something boring – like a Holden or Ford – there’s no way I would have got as much joy out of seeing it shackled up, however because the car in question …

1 Is an expensive[ish] model

2 With ‘go faster’ graphics

3 A completely superfluous rear spoiler

4 Extra big mag wheels

… it meant the owner would probably find the situation more annoying than almost anyone in the World.

OK, OK … I admit it, I’m making a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge judgment call on who I believe would own a car like this … especially because I of all people, know how dangerous it is to make mass assumptions – however as I’ve been having abit of a crappy time of late [plus this is all leading up to something], I ask you to humour me for a moment.

So who is this person that I think would drive a car like this?

Well, rather than go into specific attributes that could ultimately show me as a man full of inherent prejudices, I thought it would be best if I summed it up with a photograph.

Before I show you what it is, I think I should give you abit of a background to the image.

A couple of weeks ago I was catching a plane to Australia.

Now as many of you know, I spend rather alot of my life up in the skies so because of that, I’m on the top tier of a bunch of Frequent Flyer Programs.

Anyway, just I was about to get on board my Singapore Airlines jumbo, I heard my name being called out.

Nervously I went up to the counter only to be told by a rather shocked SIA employee [I was looking particularly ‘terrorist’ that day] that because the flight was full, I was being upgraded to First Class.


I know I should have refused on the grounds of it being too elitist – but I’m as guilty of Champagne Socialism as much as the next man plus this was SINGAPORE AIRLINES FIRST CLASS – so I bounded on board only to fall asleep within 4 microseconds, resulting in me missing out on all the creature comforts you get flying at the ultimate pointy end of the plane.

Hang in there … the ‘conclusion’ is just around the corner.

Anyway, when I woke up [just as we were landing] the hostess handed me 2 parcels and said they were for me to take home.

When I looked at them, one package was some overpriced male ‘grooming kit’ and the other was a set of SIA Pyjama’s!  Yes, fucking PJ’s!!!

Anyway it was too late to change into them [and to be honest, having seen other people wearing them, the reality was they looked abit stupid] so I saved them till I got back to Singapore and in true newly-weds fashion, gave them to my lovely wife.

For reasons only known to SIA … they have created the World’s most dodgy nightwear EVER.

Sure the fabric is nice and soft, but the colour and size is just plain ‘wrong’.

However on the bright side, they do allow me to show a visual representation of who I believe would be the driver of the car at the top of this post [just incase you’ve forgotten what the hell this was all supposedly leading to] so ladies and gentlemen … boys and girls … it gives me great pleasure to introduce you to MC Jill, [probable] owner of a brightly coloured, graphic covered, big wheel and spoiler packed Nissan Z!

DSC00009.JPG Vanilla Ice eat your heart out!

PS: In the interests of keeping my marriage alive, I should point out that Jill is definitely ‘taking the piss’ in this photo!

10 Comments so far
Leave a comment

That is my car WTF?!?!?!?!!!!

Comment by Age

Well in that case you should come and collect it because I passed it this morning and overnight it’s become a magnet for bird crap – great for the paintjob 🙂

Comment by Rob

Hahaha, sadly (very sadly) I drive a POS Holden Calais with 450,000km on it… I wish I could drive a Nissan Z (without gayass paint job though).

This post is weird because just this morning I noticed a car in the car park of my local train station that has the exact same wheel clamp and stickers all over it. This kind of action never happens in this city, so to see two in one morning is a little worrying. I hope it’s not some new strategy they are enforcing. Secondly, the poor bastard at my station was parked legitimately in the car park where there are no signs restricting length of stay, so fuck knows why he got clamped.

Oh well…

Comment by Age

Hahaha, the guy I was with said almost exactly the same thing …

“Wheel clamping doesn’t happen in Melbourne”

… and apart from having to tell you that it does [at least now], the scary thing is that in both cases the cars were legitametly parked. Maybe it’s a conspiracy against badly souped-up Nissan Z cars?

Sounds fair to me … you can’t have stylish Melbourne ruined with this sort of visual pollution, ha!

Comment by Rob

The car I saw this morning was your standard Holden Commodore. Worrying, very worrying.

Comment by Age

Yes that is worrying – removing the wheelclamp would probably cost more than the value of the car!

Comment by Rob

Words fail me.

Comment by Pete

one of my stand-out london moments was walking along a street in soho, going to work on a cold summer morning and seeing a huge bentley being clamped for parking illegitimately outside liberty.

Comment by lauren

There is nothing legitimate about that car. Both it and the owner are illegetimate. Complete and utter illegitimates.

Comment by John

With that Holden, the owner would take the wheelclamp with the car as it increases its scrap value 😉

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Leave a Reply