The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Rob Mortimer Is Innocent Of Hate Crimes Towards Marketing Mediocrity!
May 30, 2007, 7:22 am
Filed under: Comment

Yes Mr M … I am about to write it.  You can thank dear K at cynic for kicking my butt!

Unfortunately this post is approx 247 years late, but Mr M had an integral part in making it happen so the least I can do is tell him what he inadvertently helped happen.

OK, as I have written in the past, I can be a right vindictive shit if friends/family have been unfairly and/or upsettingly impacted by someone who only seemed to care about their own wellbeing and this is one of those situations.

Lady Of Justice Vigilante Justice!

When cynic was about 2 weeks old [literally] we were invited by a friend of ours to speak at a meeting sponsored by Colgate Palmolive. In the meeting we basically explained how society really looked at brands, the devolution of marketing standards and what our philosophy was to make the situation better on both sides.

When we invited questions, one of the Colgate Palmolive execs immediately launched on the offensive saying we were misguided, unprofessional and lacking in any sort of credibility as regards how to make FMCG brands successful – especially when the conference was being sponsored by an organisation who had consistently made its products number 1 or 2 all around the World.

While we didn’t disagree about his declaration we were unprofessional – on the other matters we immediately took the bait and basically went after him and his organisation – highlighting that sales and distribution strength did not equal brand adoration and in terms of understanding consumers, we doubted he even knew what his children were thinking about – other than what soap, toothpaste and shampoo they had to use to keep Dad and his obsession, quiet.

Anyway this went backwards and forwards till the guy said [and I remember the words clearly] “Come back when when we have actually achieved something with our company”

To say we were pissed off is quite the understatement – but it only got worse when we found out the guy we had been arguing with, had made a complaint to our mates boss for letting him invite such ‘an inappropriate company to speak at such a professional and respected conference’

As far as we were concerned, that was a declaration of war.

So years and years pass when about 3 months ago, Mr M tells me about a survey in one of the UK newspapers that shows Colgate Palmolive is towards the bottom of brands that consumers ‘like and trust ‘

Bingo card Bingo!

I ask Rob to send the article over and after Andy had checked that this individual still was working at the company [which of course he would as no one else would have him] the boys conspired to get their revenge.

For reasons I won’t go into, cynic has a company called the ‘International Federation Of Marketing Awareness’ … so they created a certificate from this organisation [including the newspaper article] … had it framed and wrapped with a golden seal … then with a covering letter, had it couriered over to his office.

From here we/I don’t know what happened … but this might be the course of events.

1 Package arrives at Colgate Palmolive.

2 Mr X’s PA delivers package to his office.

3 He reads the covering letter which talks about the organisations commitment to celebrating marketing excellence.

4 His ego takes over and he calls in his ‘team’ to see him unwrap his award for marketing brilliance.

5 His face goes read with anger and embarrassment when he reads …

The International Federation Of Marketing Awareness awards celebrates Mr X* on his ability to spend millions of pounds on mass media communication and achieve one of the lowest levels of consumer brand trust anywhere in the UK. Even lower than Double Glazing Firms and Security Companies. Because it takes a special sort of marketer to reach those depths, we happily bestow this award on you. Congratulations.

Smiley - Shocked

Not big. Not clever. Very Petty. But hey, what does he expect from a bunch of unprofessional who haven’t ‘achieved anything in their careers’. 

And no one has heard anything from him – despite there being an email address he could contact people on.

So to Mr M … cynic thank you for helping them achieve peace-of-mind and justice. You are the Walker Texas Ranger of Advertising. [But without the hair!]

* Mr X is obviously not his real name, but our lawyer advised us it would not be in our best interests to ‘name and shame’ … shaming should be enough. Sorry – I’m a wimp!

39 Comments so far
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I had nothing to do with it. I am innocent despite what Rob “Supergrass” Campbell say’s.

The man who devised and executed “the plan” is currently hiding out in Tahiti under the ruse of having a broken leg.

With that level of forward thinking he is both a genius criminal mind and a better strategist than most planners I know.

I hang my head in shame and sorrow.

Comment by George

What the hell do I say to that? Though it does explain why very few clients ever leave Cynic.
Nice to see you all are growing old disgracefully.

Comment by Pete

I am standing in my office clapping at my computer screen.

People are looking at me like I’m a fucking spaz, but damn that is a GREAT story.

Comment by Age

I am going on record to state I was made to take part in it, I didn’t want to be involved at all.
Sure I was laughing and acting hyper throughout the whole sorry episode but thats only because I was in fear. Cold, desperate, helpless fear.
Thanks Rob, Andy is going to kill you when he comes back. If he comes back.
I am going out right now to buy some colgate toothpaste. I will brush away the taste of guilt.

Comment by Billy Whizz

The spirit of friendship is alive and well on this blog isn’t it. Mind you, maybe I started that decline by writing this post in the first place – but hell, Mr M demanded I did it.

Hey, you know what that means – Mr M is the real guilty party in all this. 🙂

Billy, relax – apart from the odd ego, no one got hurt so save your money on teeth-brightening chalky paste and buy some beer instead. Rather than brushing away any guilt, you can drink yourself into forgetting all about it.

Comment by Rob

Very clever strategy to blame this all on “Mr M” but you better pray the marketing guy at GM Australia doesn’t speak out about what you did to him or the courts will realise you have a history of marketing ego destruction.
Just bringing that up because I care about you guys. 🙂

Comment by Pete

Yeah Rob, try and blame Rob Mortimer for the GM “incident”. Even Andy is innocent on that one.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Dear Pete and Billy – there is a significant difference between the 2 ‘events’ you mention.

The GM ‘attack’ was to actually WIN business [which I hasten to add was successful, even if only for a VERY short time] whereas the Colgate Palmolive campaign – which I had NOTHING TO DO WITH [oh no!] – was an act of pure, unadulterated revenge.

It’s a fine line between prison and innocence and with my legal heritage, I make sure I end up staying on the right side, ha!

Now I have a FINAL preso to write so I’m signing off now. Laters …

Comment by Rob

Fuck being the Bob Geldof of Advertising, you’re Teflon Rob of Advertising.

Comment by Billy Whizz

I have been reading this blog for a long time but never posted a comment. Today all that changed because I’ve just found out you are the guys responsible for an event a friend of mine (who works at Colgate) told me about. Don’t worry, I won’t point him or his work friends to this blog, I just wanted to say thanks for reminding me not all people in adveritisng are wankers. As it seems to be fashionable to associate you with someone or something, I will say you are the Robin Hood, Ashton Kutcher, Mafia and Michael Moore of Advertising all rolled into one. Brilliant.

Comment by Andrew Perkins

Who the fuck are Colgate? Never heard of them.

Comment by Marcus Brown


Comment by Marcus Brown

I am following the comments on this post with both excitement and trepadation …

Comment by Rob

I would like to say I had no part in this escapade, none.

Comment by NP

You are Mr M’s friend … if we go down, you go down!

Comment by Rob

I don’t even know who Colgate are? Do they sell meat products?

Comment by Marcus

Yes Marcus … Colgate Pork … you should find it in your supermarket!

Comment by Rob


Comment by Marcus

chapeau. in two weeks Rob turned from being the Bob Geldof of advertising into being the Ashton Kutcher of advertising and all because of fucking Colgate.

Comment by Seb


Comment by Seb

Is it ironic that I am totally brand loyal to Colgate toothpaste?!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Mr M … you might be one of the only people on Earth who is asked by a company NOT to buy their product.

Comment by Rob

Just to promote it… but not buy it!

Nice revenge, funny and loyal to the truth.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Happy now Mr M?

You have caused me untold hassles with my supposed friends, hahaha!

Comment by Rob

Do I sense the resurgence of the sausage crew?

Comment by NP

i don’t care who was involved or not, but THIS kind of caper is exactly why i love you guys so much!! rock’n’roll advertising toughness No.1, with a bullet!

Comment by lauren

The Dark Side of the Wurst is back. I can feel it NP. It’s time.

Comment by Marcus

YEAH! sausage action.

Comment by Seb

Exactly Lauren.
Its not the fact that it was revenge, it was the fact that you got back at them using nothing but the truth that they were unable to accept.

Now for the love of god do some talks over here so I can watch the carnage 😀

Comment by Rob Mortimer

If anyone is interested. The Dark Side of the Wurst is REALLY back.

Comment by Marcus


Comment by Rob Mortimer

Late to this one..nice story Mr M/Cynic.

Rob M.. now you’ll never be Colgate’s brand spokesman.

Comment by Will

That’s a classy, intelligent way to get revenge.

Comment by Jade

Arent I perfect for the role?

A person who is a loyal Colgate user despite all their negative brand image?

I believe in how good the product is!

Anyways… its not like I did the bloody 🙂 thing; I just sent Rob the newspaper article!!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

You don’t get away with it that easy Mr M … especially as our lawyer is shit hot and represented Nick Leeson, ha!

Comment by Rob

Oh, I don’t know Rob M… you lit the fuse, Cynic just provided the trigger.

The annuls of history will be the judge. 😉

Comment by Will

Ah dont worry, I have the original emails that state “Here is the article, let me know what you do with it”

Also, the fact you have clearly stated on this blog and via email several times that I dont know what happened, and that you were going to tell me prove I had nothing to do with it.

Comment by Rob Mortimer


Comment by Rob

Wow. I could have gambled your funds on the futures market and still got away with it 😉

Comment by Rob Mortimer

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