The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


This Is Why I Won’t Be Joining Marcus In His Public ‘Singalong’ …
April 13, 2007, 8:59 am
Filed under: Comment

Megaphone

Before you read any more of this post, please go here

Done it?

Saw the challenge Marcus thrust down upon my feet? 

Well here is a story that explains why I WON’T be doing it …

About 2 years ago, I was in JFK Airport in New York walking towards a plane that was finally going to take me home after spending weeks flying here, there and everywhere. 

I was in quite a good mood … sure I was tired and my back hurt from one too many ‘hard hotel beds’, but apart from the fact that after this flight I was going to be in my own house … I had an advance copy of Starsailor’s new album on my iPod and was totally loving it.

That was until the chorus of the first song, ‘In The Crossfire’.

As one reviewer said, Starsailor are what Coldplay would be like if they had some balls … so as a lover of all things ‘Rawwwwwk’, I was well into this song.

Too ‘well into it’ as it happens.

As the chorus approached, despite being totally surrounded by hundreds of people making the slow, feet-shuffling walk to the terminal, I apparently did something stupid. 

I say ‘apprentely’ as all this happened without my conscious knowledge or approval … however, within a nano second, I had closed my eyes, taken a huge, deep breath, opened my gob and, as if my life depended on it, screamed out the chorus infront of everyone around me!!!

What’s even worse than that is that I still hadn’t realised what I had done. Sure I knew I was singing along, but I thought I was doing it in my head and only realised something was wrong when 3 key events happened …

I opened my eyes and saw …

1. The whole World turned and looked at me in sheer shock before absolutely pissing themselves.

2. America’s gun happy security came running towards me with sodding guns at the ready.

3. Andy, my fat-bastard business partner, fell on the floor.  How I hoped it was a heart attack but no, it was from the evil shit laughing too hard.

My mind was racing … WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON … and then it dawned on me. 

O H.  M Y.  G O D.

To say I took control back of my mouth is a huge understatement … I literally covered my mouth with both hands and bit by lips, petrified another squeak may pop out. 

Now I’d had quite a few embarrassing things happen in my life, but without doubt, this was one of the worst … made even more painful by the fact I had to endure an 18 hours flight with people on the plane either pointing at me, smirking at me or advising me not to listen to any music when everyone on the plane was asleep.

Bastards.  I felt like wringing each and everyone’s neck … I mean, they’re perfect aren’t they … they’ve never done anything daft in their lives except wear those stupid airplane socks or laugh at all the wrong bits of the God-awful inflight movies.

So when you take all this into account, maybe … just maybe … you’ll understand why on this one, Marcus is on his own!


105 Comments

oh, rob – that story is awesome and awful at the same time!! i must say i’m disappointed that we won’t get to see you slaughtering a fave tune like marcus has (and reclaiming the shame) but strangely enough, i completely understand.

Comment by lauren

how the fuck had i forgotten that immense bit of comedy? one of the funniest moments in my life with the added pleasure of it all being at your expense. i love you really.

Comment by andy@cynic

your a fucking coward. But I understand.
Morning (I know…it’s REALLY early)

Comment by Chris Zodiac

and by the way Chris Zodiac is me….I’m up to something again.

Morning!

Comment by Marcus Brown

Marcus, ontop of being Chris and Sacrum … you are slowly becoming Andy by using lower case and spelling ‘you’re’ as ‘your’.

GET HELP NOW … especially as you’re up so fucking early!!!

Comment by Rob

does that mean I put some weight on now? You know. Like Andy?

Comment by Marcus Brown

Well Rob, I gave you a chance. It is now obviously up to me to take on “bohemian rhapsody”.

Comment by Marcus Brown

Genius story. Every music lovers fear!

Can we see Sacrum do one?

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Sacrum could sing something by “the carpenters”. I may even get Chris Zodiac in on the act. You going to do one Mortimer?

Comment by Marcus Brown

fuck you and everyone like you. im not fat, just big boned, like all real men are. come on campbell, do some of your beloved queen and maybe you can play your wanky guitar along with the song and show how everyone how good you once were.

Comment by andy@cynic

Haha! Not sure, my gut feeling is to chicken out… but I may change my mind.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

fuck you too big boned boy. I was aiming high, aiming for Andy but if that means being such a sensitive bugger then I’d rather not.

Don’t be a chicken Mortimer. Come on, maybe something by zig zig sputnik?

Comment by Marcus Brown

you are forgiven then marcus, and love between us remains.

Comment by andy@cynic

thank fuck for that.

Comment by Marcus Brown

Get a room you two …

Go on Mr M … give us some Bo Rhap and if I am feeling mental, maybe I’ll do some ‘Tie Your Mother Down’ or something. WHAT AM I DOING! Mental!

Comment by Rob

your place or mine Andy?

Comment by Marcus Brown

That’s fucking lame that is. There’s no way I’m accepting that feeble excuse. Even having the nerve to bring 5 star ‘hard hotel beds’ into that freakin’ sob story as if you’re Kung Fu wandering the earth, shunning mattresses, room service and living off the complimentary apple. No, this wont do and don’t say you can’t do global karaoke because you’ve got a bad back, because it wont wash.

I’m looking forward to this I am.

Comment by Charles Frith

You’ve got some bloody nerve Charles. You’ve bottled out of this, saying your fucking dog eat the webcam!

Comment by Marcus Brown

Hah. Sigue Sigue Sputnik, now that would be interesting…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

come on Mortimer…you KNOW you want to.

Comment by Marcus Brown

this is the best fucking post ever. come on campbell, charles is talking in fighting language though he might call on his mum for protection. dog ate my webcam? dog ate my balls more like.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’ve met charles. He’s a nice bloke and I like him. BUT YOU CAN TAKE HIM DOWN CAMPELL.

Easy! Easy! Easy!

Comment by Marcus Brown

Sod music, I sense a 70s style bout of wrestling…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Easy! Easy! Easy!

Comment by Marcus Brown

“In the left corner, the ruff of roughing up, the prince of putdowns, Chaaaaaaarles “The Dogg” Friiiiiiith!

In the right corner, the master of cynicism, the twit of wit, the walking airport alarm ringer… Robbbb “The Angry Bastard” Caaaaammmmpbelllllll!”

Comment by Rob Mortimer

-mumble- good clean fight -mumble- above the waist…

*DING DING*

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Comment by Marcus Brown

did you say something about LSD posts rob? i think somebody put something in the europeans’ drinks today…

Comment by lauren

“The two combatants appear to be waiting for each other to make the first move Jim”

‘YES! IVE Never seen ANYthing like it before Ted’

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Time for a commercial break!

Seb in Hamburg has done a iPod Singing thing. Here it is:

Comment by Marcus Brown

I bloody love this blog

Comment by Marcus Brown

Likewise. Its madness, but always great madness.

Where the hell are the fighters?

Comment by Rob Mortimer

After much lobbying from Marcus, Andy [the bastard] and now Jill … I proudly announce my career will officially be over on Monday 16th April.

Why?

Well, because that’s the day that I – like I did with that tagging trend of a few months ago – present to the World an EVOLVED version of the iPOD Singing genre … something so bad and frightening that Apple may go bust and cynic most certainly will.

You have been warned …

[Why am I so easily pushed into these things]

Now, you have 24 hours to tell me which artist you want me to sing out of these options … [sorry, but song choice is mine!]

WHITESNAKE
THE SCORPIONS
DEF LEPPARD
BON JOVI
EUROPE

[I had thought of The Smiths, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it … and as a joke, I was going to offer Shakira – but I know you evil fuckers would have definitely chosen it!]

Goodbye career, lifestyle and cred … hello family shame, disownment and embarassment]

Comment by Rob

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!Easy! Easy! Easy!

Comment by Marcus Brown

That’s so easy. The Scorpions. I’m sure Fred would approve.

Comment by Marcus Brown

Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change. Wind of Change.

*ahem* clear?

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Even if the Scorps win, it won’t be ‘Winds Of Fucking Change’ because I can’t whistle when I’m pissing myself laughing.

So that’s 2 for the Scorps … any other bids. Please.

Comment by Rob

New band AND song option …

QUEEN and ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ [though I wish common sense did]

Comment by Rob

Yes, please. The Scorpions.

Comment by Somebody who is not Marcus

oh god.
mrs campbell, if you’re still reading, i’m sure you’ve done a fantastic job up until now, but don’t take this one personally.

Comment by lauren

yeah, yeah, yeah lauren. But which band?

Comment by Marcus

yes! do queen. at least it’s a good song and i’m sure you’ll at least have a scrap of dignity after that..

Comment by lauren

Wrong band Lauren. Wrong band.

Comment by Marcus

Mum … it’s not drugs … it’s not a desperate cry for help … it’s not even a desire for friends … it’s just a rogue gene that you and Dad had nothing to do with .

2 Scorps / 1 Queen. Anymore?

Going to bed now – I hope I don’t wake up!

Comment by Rob

i’m sorry marcus. i like rob, and there is no way that i could possible commit him to such an act of slaughter with that other list of rubbish bands…

Comment by lauren

The Scorpions are NOT rubbish. They are just misunderstood.

Comment by Marcus

yeah, paris hilton is misunderstood too..

Comment by lauren

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Comment by Marcus

who gives a fuck what you sing, youre going to look a cock so just get on with it. word of warning, if we dont win ”you know what” because of your actions, please know your ass is going to be sued by every fucking one of us. sleep well. ax

Comment by andy@cynic

It has to be Wind of change if only for the whistling bit…it will be so funny!

Cmmon Marcus, please put your foot down!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

I don’t give a shit what he sings, as long as it’s the scorpions.

Comment by Marcus

Rob, you honestly should do the Scorpions. They are really, really underestimated. Let’s forget about that “Wind of Change”-thing. Years ago I bought a double-vinyl-live LP. Rock you like a hurricane is brilliant. And Lauren, a group that made Spandex fashionable can’t be that wrong.

Comment by Seb

Wind of whistling gets my vote. Come on boss, I’ll respect you in the morning. Possibly.

Comment by Billy Whizz

SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS! SCORPIONS!
Just because they reinvented SPANDEX!

Comment by Seb

Rob, darling please do me a favour and sing a song from the SCORPIONS. Especially for me!!!

Comment by eva

reinvented spandex? puhlease!

Comment by lauren

rob knows that rock you like a hurricane crap. he used to do it when he played with that cock, terrance trent darby. i remember because i went to one of their concerts and it was the worst shit id ever heard and asked him what it was afterwards. please god, dont let that come back into my life

Comment by andy@cynic

Eva honey, could you please stop calling Rob darling. Thank you.

Comment by Marcus

Darling or not: SCORPIOOOOOOOOOONS!

Comment by Seb

I had to check in because I am actually going through a ‘performance anxiety’ [or career anxiety] and reading all these comments has just made me feel a whole heap worse ESPECIALLY as I intend to ‘evolve’ the iPOD singing thing – which you’ll see on Monday.

Marcus, Andy and Jill … you are heroin to my dignity AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

Eva darling, thanks for calling me darling and Lauren, thanks for the Queen vote, but it seems like it is not going to happen as I’ve had FORTY THREE text messages [thank you soon-to-be-fired cynic’ers] alll voting for the Scorps – a band that I guarentee was never even known my the majority of the bastards.

DEFINITELY going to bed now. Boo Hoo.

Comment by Rob

Dear Mr Rob@Cynic.
A friend of mine, Chris Zodiac, told me that I should subscribe the petition for “Rob doing the Scorpions”. As I am from Hannover (they are as well) I would appreciate you doing thic act of British-German partnership.

In deep sympathy,
Dein Gerhard Schröder

Comment by Former German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder

YAY! Scorpions it is then. And Rob honey, could you please stop calling Eva darling. Thank you.

Comment by Marcus

Go for it.
Klaus

Comment by Klaus Meine

I fucking hate the Scorpions.

Comment by Winston Churchill

Hello ?

Hello ?

I’m going for it too. I’m going to squeeze out some Roy Castle. I may do some Chanter pipe and samba whistle accompaniment too.

Comment by TomLR

Tom LR keeping it real.

Comment by Winston Churchill

I have just been practicing The Scorps …

Rock You Like A Hurricane … Big City Nights … Passion Rules The Game … The Zoo … even bloody Winds Of Change and I just can’t do it …

What about Livin’ On A Prayer, Poor Some Sugar On Me, Here We Go Again … even Bohemian Rhapsody? Please … I’m begging or are you going to be a bunch of mean bastards. [Do I really need to ask!]

Comment by Rob

no way. SCORPIONS. and if you don’t stop arguing we should have some penalty here, shouldn’t we, Marcus? maybe ROB should do 2 songs by the bloody SCORPIONS.

Comment by Seb

Seb given you did Blur – maybe YOU should do the Scorps, you are a German afterall!

Comment by Rob

And to Andy … I have been told what you are trying to do with Virgin and you will DIE if you make that happen!

Comment by Rob

David Hasselhoff…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

😉

Comment by andy@cynic

Don’t use those fucking smiley faces to hide behind!

Comment by Rob

Andy, whatever it is, please make it happen.

Comment by Marcus Brown

and Rob, I’ve just read your comment on my blog. Could not agree more.

Comment by Marcus Brown

Rob, honestly I wanted to do it. But I don’t want to upstage you. And someone you know forbade it. It’s your turn, so do it. I will do some even worser than Scorpions later. And Andy: whatever it is, do it.

Comment by Seb

since when has a campbell threat stopped me?

Comment by andy@cynic

YAY! And I’ve just done bohemian rhapsody.

Comment by Marcus Brown

post it. NOW.

Comment by Seb

in that case, jesus shall rise again and cast us into a pit of hell for damning the song of the world. well done.

Comment by andy@cynic

And there I was thinking I could finally put this shit week behind me …

Comment by Rob

processing bohemian rhapsody right now. Rob, you’re gonna love it. Andy too. 😉

Comment by Marcus Brown

bohemian rhapsody now on my blog. We will all burn in hell. Great.

Comment by Marcus Brown

There’s gonna be blood on the dancefloor. I’ve retrieved the webcam from the dog (it wasn’t pretty) and just given it a quick dry run with my mate Audrey, to see if the crocodile rock is gonna work some magic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfFOS3G5y9c

April 16. See ya there 🙂

Comment by Charles Frith

This is turning into the new drug that is sweeping the World – only it is more damaging and once you’ve tried it, damn less addictive.

Comment by Rob

good morning all! what a saturday morning feast i’ve stumbled upon!! and i don’t have time to watch it all today – dammit.. marcus – can you start a separate blog for all this isinging? i think it needs to have a home all of its own (apart from youtube)..

Comment by lauren

Audrey is tops by the way Charles – if she read the BBC News, it’d be the most watched show in the UK.

Anyone who thinks seeing a mans arm torn off and being held between the teeth of an evil croc is ‘the best thing she’s ever seen’ is alright by me.

Maybe she can join in and sing ‘Crocodile Rock?’

Comment by Rob

Isn’t she brilliant. Salt of the earth.

Comment by Charles Frith

Well I’ve just scared all my neighbours by singing [?] a bloody Scorpions song IN A GERMAN ACCENT all bloody morning!

I am in shame …

Comment by Rob

It has been done …

World Premier, Monday at 7:30am, Singapore time. I suggest you stay in bed!

Comment by Rob

you silly bastard. cant wait. enjoy your last weekend of dignity.

Comment by andy@cynic

Easy! Easy! Easy! YAY!

Comment by Marcus Brown

well done rob. your [lack of] choice of band is deplorable but i applaud your guts to step up to the plate.

Comment by lauren

Yes … but that ‘vote of courage’ won’t do me any good as of 7:30am + 1 second on Monday!

Now go and have a bloody weekend!

Comment by Rob

just bloggin’ about my bloody weekend 🙂

hang on, you would tell everyone to fuck off if you really were concerned about doing this, wouldn’t you? i’m assuming so. so fuck’em – it’ll be great!!

Comment by lauren

Trust me dear Lauren – it makes David Brent from ‘The Office’ look positively cool in comparison!

Comment by Rob

But at least I am not taking it entirely seriously – so maybe I’m not quite as bad as Ricky Gervais character [though he seems awfully like David Brent in real life, ha!]

Comment by Rob

are you ‘avin’ a larf then?

Comment by lauren

Judge for yourself … but it featuresa few surprises that will keep you amused or just plain disgusted. Like most German music, ha.

Comment by Rob

100th comment. Morning.

Comment by Marcus

YAY … 100 comments, the record!

And now 101 … the number of the house I grew up in. A coincidence???? Errrm, yes.

Comment by Rob

102. The house over the road.

Comment by Marcus

103 The puzzled neighbourhood watch twitcher:

“What the hell is going on at number 101?”

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Pervert

Comment by Rob

These times were very memorable and a lot of fun.

Comment by Charles Frith




Comments are closed.