The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

WARNING: Reviews Can Damage Your Health!
March 19, 2007, 11:56 am
Filed under: Comment


These are actual quotes taken from government‘ employee performance evaluations.  …

Part of me is impressed with their evilness, part of me is scared to death. 

Any examples you lot would like to add?

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”  

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”  

“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.” 

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 

“When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.” 

“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.” 

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.” 

“A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” 

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” 

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” 

“He’s been working with glue too much.” 

“He would argue with a signpost.” 

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.” 

“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.” 

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 

“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.” 

“A prime candidate for natural de-selection.” 

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” 

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” 

“He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” 

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” 

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 

“It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 

“One neuron short of a synapse.” 

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 

“Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes.” 

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

38 Comments so far
Leave a comment

ooh, rob – they’re ace! however, considering my current.. er.. difficulties at work, i’m also a bit scared.
my personal favourite? “I would not allow this employee to breed”..
notice the regularity of the masculine pronoun in that list..

Comment by lauren

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”


Comment by Age

Andy used a good one once …

“You’re so insignificant that if you were a turd, I wouldn’t even bother flushing you away”

VERY cruel – but regarding the person he was talking to – very fair.

Anyone able to beat that?

Comment by Rob


“It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

Almost makes me want to meet the people they are talking about to see if they are really that bad!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

I think you’ll find them all working at either JWT or – if they were insulted by crappy bosses – cynic

Comment by Rob

our (Eva & Marcus) personal favourite is “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

Evil and brilliant.

Comment by Marcus Brown

On that note, I do like the old:

“His train of thought is still boarding at the station”

Comment by Rob Mortimer

I am about to use one of them right now …

Comment by Rob

Forget all my talk about ‘appreciating cultures’, I’ve just said “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm” … and the atmosphere is rather dark to say the least.

Why do I have to be a smartarse?

Or actually, just an arse?

Comment by Rob

oh dear.

Comment by Marcus Brown

Didnt go down well?!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

say sorry.

Comment by Marcus Brown

haha! perhaps should have gone with “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” ???

Comment by Age

Say sorry?

No fucking chance …

I’ve just added “IT MUST BE NICE ON YOUR PLANET” because this guy has just told the room the most ridiculous load of bollocks I’ve heard in ages.

More pandamonium … more cultural clashes … more happy, smily Robbie!

Comment by Rob

See “He would argue with a signpost”?

Thats you that is.

Please take note I am in the office way before official opening hours. I deserve employee of the week.

Comment by Billy Whizz

just testing.

Comment by Marcus Brown

oh dear rob. need a hole in the ground to disappear into?

Comment by lauren

Welcome back Billy but a few things worth noting are …

1. Insulting the boss is not the best way to come back to work … ESPECIALLY WHEN …

2. You’ve been away for weeks – of which 2 of them were at home watching company supplied porn.

3. We don’t have ‘Employee Of The Year’, let alone of the week. And even if we did, coming in early won’t make up for the fact that for the rest of the week, you’ll be in late claiming you’re “in credit”.

4. We are not a pub … we don’t have ‘official opening hours’ though with the work practice bollocks in the US, I am sure there is some clause that say’s you’re right.

5. Do some work today … you only had a gall bladder removal so don’t treat it like you’ve just got back from Iraq. Remember I had it done and was back at home and work within 4 days! You are already seen as a weakling.

Apart from that – hello – I’d say we’ve all missed you but Jemma is the new office ‘character’ so you’ve been reduced to bit-part player. Because of a girl. Ha.

Comment by Rob

Still, Kudos for the Newman and Baddiel reference Billy.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

meeting going well then Rob?

Comment by Marcus Brown

Testing what Marcus? My hardman creds?

Look I am a fairly laid back, don’t take myself or life too seriously kinda-guy … but when I meet someone who is paid a fortune who talks unmitigated shite, I suddenly become Andy on a bad day and trust me, this little prick deserves it.

No need to worry though, the main man comes in soon and I shall enjoy watching him rip to shreds this ‘wannabe, never will’

Ooooooh, I’m so viscious today aren’t I!

Hey, has everyone gone to see Marcus’ wicked paintings? Almost as good as Lauren, ha! Maybe we should all have a blog paint off … where we name a subject and have 2 days to paint something and put it up for independent voting.

Why I am suggesting that, I don’t know … but it’ll encourage Marcus to keep painting and I think that is a good thing for him both emotionally, spiritually and revitalising his natural talent.

Comment by Rob

If I knew you weren’t in Rambo mode Rob, I’d give you some fucking lip, but I’ll let you off this once. I hope you are considering yourself very lucky.

PS Who are Newman and Baddiel?

Comment by Billy Whizz

Yeah Billy, I’m quaking in my fucking boots.

[Thank God I realised that I had actually written QUACKING or this would have lost all its tough guy image. Ahem]

And Newman and Baddiel were ‘The Smiths’ of comedy in the late 80’s / early 90’s … so infact Rob is insulting you, ha!

Comment by Rob

thought you were going soft on us.

Comment by Marcus Brown

The “Thats You That Is” line is from Newman and Baddiel. They had two supposedly intelligent people discussing big topics which then descended into name calling insults…. reminds me of someone!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

I am confused, scared and a bit lonely. That will teach me to come into the office early.

Going now, got to read 2733 unread emails.

Comment by Billy Whizz

rob, marcus is a better a painter than i will ever, EVER be, so it’s no contest. but everyone should go see the paintings – they’re awesome!

do we get to watch you and andy rip this guy a new one on youtube too? to go with the bruce lee impersonation?

Comment by lauren

Well Lauren – why don’t we have the ‘paint-off’ and see for ourselves eh?

And it’s not Andy who is coming – someone far more powerful and well known who will not only rip them a new arsehole, but shame him till the day he dies.

I like this man …

Comment by Rob

Lauren, don’t be silly.
Billy, stop showing off.
Rob, enjoy the chaos.

Oh, and it’s snowing in Munich.

Comment by Marcus Brown

You really are a Dad aren’t you!

Comment by Rob


Comment by Marcus Brown

So Newman and Baddiel influenced a whole generation of musicians, wrote searingly funny stuff that young people actually connected with and provided a credible alternative to the post punk dross/bubble gum pop around in 1983?
It’s snowing in Leeds too.

Comment by NP

Don’t tell me NP, you’re a Smith Fan!

OK … I’m being a bit harsh, especially as I quite like Baddiel now … but that Newman guy got right on my tits and I wanted to smash the face in of anyone who said he was a ‘genius’. Pretty much have the same feelings now – and given I am angry at the moment, maybe we should just leave it right there, ha!

Comment by Rob

Newman is now a bike riding political comedian, he turned his back on fame after N+B. I respect him for sticking to his guns in spite of what he could have had.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Yes … alright, so he’s not all bad then.

Bar Humbug … wonder if you’ll be so supportive of the ‘star’ in my upcoming post!

Comment by Rob

Lets find out…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Baddiel’s a tosser though

Comment by NP

OK, I’ve been put in my place. I’ll step up for the paint-off.. so long as we can be broad with the definition of ‘painting’..
about the assumption with andy: oops! – although i’m sure he could come up with some decent insults for you too. good night.

Comment by lauren

Leave a Reply